Random Musings

Grief

We are just an ordinary couple in a romantic relationship but it feels like we're already married and having marital problems.

But it's not like I can blame him. If anything, I hate the circumstances that caused things to be like this.

I love him and I know that he loves me very much. But he feels so far away from me.

He is talking right in front of me while we are eating but he still feels like an unreachable star I can no longer touch.

Grief is such a funny thing, but it is so painful to be actually involved in it.

He is grieving and I could only be here for him, waiting for the chance when he actually accepts that he needs help and gives me a permission to let me comfort him.

We've been together for seven years and this is the first time I feel so useless seeing him in pain, just because I could not reach him wherever he went to.

xxxxx

I despondently look at the reminder in my phone.

Next week is our 9th anniversary, huh.

I did not even notice that it's coming up.

"Sabrina, you have a guest in the lobby. Feel free to go home early. It's not like there are things to do right now."

I simply smile at my boss, quickly fixing my thing as I dread going into the lobby.

"Tony."

His eyes widens as he sees me. Then he smiles at me cheekily, the kind of smile he always used to have during our high school days when he has some naughty ideas to do.

"Oh! You're early. Wanna have some dinner together? Let's eat at the newest mall nearby."

I simply smile, appreciating the effort he's been doing the past few months and said yes.

Grief is truly such a funny thing, as I know he would never be the same as before. But he loves me as much as I love him, and maybe that's what all that matters.

There would always be that sadness that I could not take away from his eyes. But he's been making an effort to make up with me. It's just a matter of finding our own normalcy.

I'd known him for twelve years, been in a romantic relationship with him for nine. And in his moments of grief, when he needed me the most, all I could do is to just be there for him, feeling useless that I could not do more for him.

xxxxx

Time might have been enough to lessen the pain but it never truly takes away the grief. It would always be there.

And yet, Tony managed to find his own definition of happiness in the midst of that grief.

"...I knew that when you stayed in those darkest moments of my life, grieving the deaths of my first family, my second family would start with you. I knew you felt and still feel so helpless with my grief, but you don't know how much grateful I am when you just stayed at my side despite not being the best boyfriend you deserve to have. You staying is more than enough for me, and if anything it just made me love you more. Because why would I let go of the woman who still loves me at my worst? That's when I decided to give you the best wedding you deserve so that you can feel how much thankful I am to have you in my life and now, for the rest of my life as well."

I couldn't help but tear up. It is painful, watching him in pain over the years. But I knew, and he made it clear with me for a long time, that he might have lost his first family, but he still have me as his family. An assurance that no matter what happens, I would always have him.

It is the greatest gift, to be called a family by someone, when you grew up in a cold family who sees children as heirs and not as sons and daughters. Tony, and his family when they were alive, still welcomed me warmly despite knowing the fact that I ran away from my family and was removed from inheritance.

"It is my great pleasure to have you as my wife starting today, Sab. I love you so much and I hope the next years of our marriage be filled of blessings and happiness and if not, may us be blessed with strength for I know for sure that I will have no one but you as my partner until the last breaths of my life."

I tearily smile at him as he glances back at me lovingly.

Grief is truly a funny thing, because as much as it is painful to endure and is still something to endure, it strengthens our relationship. It made us realize that we would not have anyone but each other.

It proves that no matter what happens, at the end of the day, we would still choose each other and our love.

I hope it stays that way in our marriage years.