Random Musings

Yearning

Inspired by Dandelions of Ruth B.

(unedited)

xxxxx

Since the very first time you took a seat beside me in class and initiated a conversation, I know I want you in my life.

That time, all I wanted at best is to be your friend and at least to be close with you.

And I did get what I wanted.

But that just made me want you more.

Love is such a wonderful yet scary thing. It could either make us the happiest person alive or be in the saddest chapter of our life.

Growing up as a witness of a happy marriage slowly burning into ashes made me afraid of the idea of myself being in love.

Then you came into my life and decided to become a permanent part of my college years. And became the fixation I cannot get rid of.

I am already happy with the friendship you gifted me. Why did I need to fall in love with you?!

Jealousy is all the confirmation I needed to realize that my feelings are deeper than I thought, when I felt it as you introduce your girlfriend to me.

But who am I to be jealous? It's not like you were ever mine.

Then I saw the happiness in your eyes, heard the laughter from your lips, and felt the excitement you have whenever you are talking to me about her.

That's when I realize that fuck, I am truly in love with this man, and I would do everything just for his happiness.

I cannot help but be wistful whenever I am sitting in the field of dandelions you love staying at in campus.

If only, and could only be if, I decided to confess to you, would my feelings be reciprocated? Maybe I could have save you from what seemed to be endless heartbreak for you. Unlike her, I can be selfless because that's how much I love you.

Maybe I should have made sure everything would go smoothly even if jealousy still perked up within me.

Or maybe I was too selfish, distancing myself physically but still present enough, reasoning that as a supportive best friend, I should gave you two more time alone.

Or maybe I should have tried befriending her more as well because she is what makes you happy.

But it's not like I can change anything now, though.

In the end, I still lost you.

She and your unborn child died in a car accident two years ago.

A year later, a month after graduation, I found your cold body with an empty wine bottle and pills surrounding you.

I cannot blame you, though. You just chase after your happiness. After all, it has always been her.

♪ And I've heard of a love that comes once in a lifetime
And I'm pretty sure that you are that love of mine ♪

I found a reason to give love another chance, which led to me always wishing you were mine. But it doesn't matters now.

I already lost you the moment I let my fears define the status of our friendship.

xxxxx

"Alessa!"

She happily turns towards me, putting that smile on her lips that seems to only be for me.

"Silas! I've been looking for you for a while!"

I could only chuckle. Then I gesture to our surroundings.

"You know I love dandelions."

She looks away, pouting. "This field of dandelions is quite big, though."

I could not help but smile. Who could not fall in love with this woman?

"I love you."

She widens her eyes, then lowers her head as she blushes.

"I love you too. You know that."

I know she meant it platonically, but I couldn't help but assume it was more than that.

Still, I couldn't make her mine. I badly wish to, but I can't.

I don't think she was ready for that, and I don't think I deserve to have her as more than a friend. And I don't want to risk it just to lose her for good.

It is the best for us to stay as friends. In that way, I could always have her. Even if I fall in love with someone else, I know she would still be there.

After all, she has been more than his first love and best friend. She is the rock that steadies and holds me together. And I would do my best to not lose her.