Lately, I've been hurting. A peculiar kind of pain that stems from no real ailment. University will soon end, and all the items — and I mean ALL of them — on the bucket list I never had the heart to put down on paper, will never be crossed out. University sucks. Each and every aspect of it.
I also need to stop using Instagram. "Kisses in dusty libraries..." This narrative that it keeps building for me, I cannot help but be saddened by. I didn't get anything here. What I got, I do not know how to sustain. I'm just so... useless. Nothing works.
Today, I closed my eyes and threw an empty line into the river. And he tugged on it.
I can't believe how happy this made me. It worked! But then just as easily, I cut him off. Stone-cold replies that, are probably for the best but, instantly closed him down. Not even a courteous good-bye. Nothing. Zero. Null. And void. God, I miss him. I could spend hours talking to him, listening to him, trying to understand him. He was always just so... Liquid Lightning. That's the only way I will ever know how to describe him. Oh and Chonky too. And Sherlockspeare. And God, so many more things... I'm obsessed though. It's definitely not love. And it's definitely a crush. He just makes me feel so... feminine I guess. Like suddenly just very, very, incredibly, utterly, embarrassingly girly. I can physically feel myself burning up and just blushing like crazy. It's just so... different to how I'm used to being. He's just so different.
What a wild, wild girl he makes me.
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I cannot remember what I looked like before this. The acne, it's become a part of my face. I don't think I will ever be pretty again. Was I ever pretty to begin with in the first place? Out of everywhere on my entire face, why is it on the only place anyone else can see? Out of every part on my entire body, why aren't eyes one of my pretty features? I always had the realization I wasn't pretty, but the fact that it would ever matter to me is so recent that I'm just... lost. There's no coming back from here. There's no lack of acceptance or anything. It's just... sad that this, ALL this, is it.
I wish I had someone to ask all my deep questions. No. Scratch that. I wish the people I want to ask all my deep questions from, wanted that too. I wish we were closer. I wish we were, at least, some form of friends. I wish so much. And nothing comes out of wishing really.
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If I could, I would like to write every single day for the rest of my life.
