I ask myself countless times why I write here. Why I write at all, even. Isn't that time better spent coding or learning or practicing something? Doing something productive? Important? I am the master of wasting a life. I miss being disciplined. I miss thinking I could somehow work hard enough to become brilliant. I miss thinking hard work was the only thing I was limited by until I chose to let it be something that limited me.
I still think it is, if I'm being honest. What stands in between me and 100 LeetCode problems, even 75, is sitting down and doing the problems. Working hard and doing those problems. But I am so divided, I have noticed. There are always conflicting things I make sure are happening in my life whenever I do something important. Like right now, GRE and the Chrome extension project. Not to mention miserably failing at work too. And to top it off, adding the Gorakh Hills trip in between all of that. Stupid. So, so stupid. I don't even know what's wrong with me.
I guess there are some things I could do to simplify stuff for me. Like prioritizing and selectively investing effort and time into things. But I have a bad habit of prioritizing the worst things. My priorities, truly, are all over the place after all... I don't know how someone can be so dumb. I don't know how I can be so dumb. I thought I was good at least this one thing. Prioritizing. Stupid. So, so stupid.
And hey, what's up with me not giving answers to people? Not replying to messages, not showing up when I need to? When did I develop this pathetic trait? I am ashamed. I am also paralyzed. And for the life of me, I still just cannot take out my phone and write one simple text to someone and tell them hey, I'm out, I can't finish this project with you anymore even though I committed to you, oh the reason? Nothing much, just that I'm a loser who never finishes anything, yeah okay bye let's not ever talk again because I cannot look you in the eye after this in my entire life even though we've had amazing moments together. The silly dialogues in my head, coupled with this lack of action. Stupid. So, so stupid.
I wish I could sleep so much. Without ever having something pending. Without having something pending associated with impending doom.
