What do I write though? I know I want to write a chapter on LinkedIn posts I "want" to write, and there's one chapter on each of the people I miss that I want to write, plus there's one on the Valedictorian Speech I will never get to make that I also wanted to write, and another one about the children I don't want to have and why too. There's also sooo many of the Medium posts I want to write about things that I'm learning here on the job (and maybe even get paid for lol). Plus I want to make a portfolio website too. Oh and I also want to learn how to deploy an app on Vercel. Oh and I also want to make tapestry.io - new passion project that I hope no one steals from me. I also want to build up on Krypton, but I don't think the "owner" of the project will like that very much so there's that... I also need to add projects to my LinkedIn and portfolio. Oh, and if all that wasn't enough, I also have the GRE to prepare for. Wonderful. Just plain wonderful. I go back and forth in these few minutes I have and end up doing nothing. I want to make a list. I want to fixate on each item on that list and modify it and perfect it and then execute it. I miss him... we used to have fun making lists. I think we were the only two that did. This feels like cheating. Even thinking about doing normal routine stuff feels like cheating. All this is so complicated on Wattpad. I have to hide names, and make up metaphors, and just go crazy trying to put what I have in thought onto paper (screen, actually), all the time thinking I have this weird invisible, unreal, imaginary bond that links me to the people I... did not love. The people I did not love, but I care about. The people I did not love, but were important to me. The people I did not love, but I miss. The people I did not love, so the only way to save them from me was to sabotage whatever bond we had. The people I did not love, so I wronged. The people I did not love, so I tried my best to give them every reason to hate me. And hey, I think I succeeded. So now I should be happy, right? I'm happy for them. I'm happy too.
