So I unpublished all previous parts in this story. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let's make a list of all the good things I've left behind that I used to do before. Right off the top of my head, there's reciting Surah Mulk at night. That single habit that lend me such peace and such coolness of mind, that I can't even begin to understand why I left it. Reciting the last two ayats of Surah Baqarah too. What a nice habit. I used to listen to people, give them my COMPLETE attention when talking to them. When I used to talk to people, I used to make them feel like THE most important person on the planet for me. And now, now I just treat conversation like a chore.
On this note though, what I've realized is that I let the thought of them not being around in my life later on, be the reason that I convince myself there is no point in them mattering right now either. "If you do not get attached to someone, they can never leave you." Maybe I should try a different approach. What if my time with them right now matters all the more for the exact same reason that I will never see them again? Am I trying to deprive myself of the pain and hurt that I am, in reality, supposed to feel after all? I'm still hurting, maybe less or maybe more than I should be if I changed my stance, but maybe I should try it. What's the worst that could happen? (I can imagine a lot of things to be honest, but anyways).
What else... hmm...
I'll think about this more after namaz.
Okay so I offered namaz. This kid — classmate — reached out to ask me to check his statement of purpose, and he said something interesting in that process. "Do people only text you to ask for help with work?" I replied with a yes, truthfully so. That's all it's ever been really. Take a moment to step back and look at everything. If I hadn't been at the top of the Dean's List, no one would have even known me. "No Name"... what a wonderful time of my life that was.
Switching gears, I've been thinking about money A LOT lately, and I've been wanting to make certain lists like what I need it for, what I'd want to do with it, what luxuries that I would definitely spend it on, and I think I want to get a few of those things off my mind too so here it goes: hot water even in the summer, white chocolate, fresh fruits, Ovaltine because I NEED chocolate milk, a driver because I seriously just want to carelessly stare out the window on my way home from work, good mattress, swimming pool access somewhere clean and nice. I think that's all from the top of my head; I'll keep adding to the list whenever I think of something.
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Why does it all suddenly feel impossible? There's lots to do, of course, but it should all be possible. Let me think. There is November 30 which seems to be the deadline that's "all the rage" lately. Tomorrow marks the end of 3 HCI assignments that I should have the brain to complete by tonight. There's the YouTube assignment, Google/Bing assignment, and then the Paper Prototyping assignment. Then, we have the SI Quiz two days later. Next, we have the FYP deadline going hand in hand with the HCI final project deadline. An extension in one of the two deadlines is extremely needed. Once both of these are done, we have the QWorld quiz deadline on the 4th. During and throughout this whole time from today to December 4, I have to do app dev each day as well. It really does look impossible all of this. I'm not sure how to complete everything. I suspect in one of these, I might have to begin under-performing now. Oh also, DBMS TA work is all happening in the background. If I can just do the labs, I should be fine hopefully.
God. Help. Me.
