Nightmare-tom kaulitz

The Band

"Panic Soul", the band that I made, is going on our first ever tour in America. We've done it before but only in Germany. Going to America feels like a much bigger deal, especially for me since I know that my favorite band, Tokio Hotel, is going on tour the same place.
My wish is that I'm able to find them somewhere when I have some time left over after or before a show. If I'm not too tired. But I've never told anybody how much I really like Tokio Hotel. They mean the world to me. I've listened to their music since they made their first song. I'm the same age as them which made them that much more loveable and relatable.
The three other members of my band - long time friends - Connie (the leader and guitarist), Bonnie (the cute one and bass player) and Maggie (the funny one and the drummer) have of course heard of Tokio Hotel. What they don't know - and would never want to know - is that I got the idea to make a band, because I heard about Tokio Hotel. They don't know much about Tokio Hotel other than the names of the members and their first song. I'm pretty sure that all three of them hate Tokio Hotel, and I've always pretended to feel the same as them. I don't want the band to fall appart.

I'm the singer and "the sexy one" and the one who gets all of the ideas and writes all the songs. I feel like a fourth wheel sometimes, of that's even possible. I mean, Connie, Bonnie and Maggie. Even their names sound the same. My name is Trudy and of German origin unlike the others. People think that my name is Gertrude because that's most popular, but it's Ermintrude. That's why I go by Trudy.

Our band just made a new album one month ago which is what boosted our America tour. It was a difficult album to make, but so worth it. We celebrated with a big party at Connie's house when her parents were out of town. To me, it became chaotic, while the others had the time of their lives.

"Trudy, what do you think about this?" Connie says and plays something on her guitar. It sticks in my head immediately and I know that we have to do something with it.

"Yes, yes I love that. We need to use it for something. It's more of a funky kind of vibe, isn't it. Like a sexy love song or something. Let me check what I've got." I say and start looking through the "songs" that I've written. A notebook full of incomplete songs that I just randomly got the idea for and had to write down, but never finished.

"How about this one." I say and hand Connie the book while pointing to a page.
Bonnie and Maggie gather around Connie to read it. They all get the same look on their faces and I know that it has been accepted.

"BOOYAH. This is it True. My god, you are a genious." Connie says, and I know that if anybody was watching us right now, they would be 100% sure that she is the leader of the band.
Most of the time, the singer is the leader but not in our band. Connie wanted to be the singer but it turned out that she couldn't sing, but I can. And she knew how to play guitar too, so of course we would distribute the roles the way we have.

"Is that your brother coming home?" Maggie asks, looking very serious. She has a big crush on my big brother Sam, and it has been that way since she saw him the first time. Actually, I think that Sam might be falling for her too. I just don't know if it's such a good idea for them to get together. I think it would be an emotional disaster.
I listen closely and I hear noises from upstairs. My parents are still at work so it must be him.

"Yeah, go get him tiger." I say and she runs up the stairs to the basement where we always practice, and I hear her "flirty" voice saying "heyyyyy, baby, how are youuu" the way she always does.

"That girl is crazy. I've made up my mind about boys. From now on, I'm a lesbian even if I'm not attracted to women. I'm more attracted to women than men." Bonnie says, and I laugh along with Connie.

***

The entire day before going on tour, my parents were picking on me about everything. They were talking to me about boys and how to be careful on tour and on stage. Most of all, they kept indicating that I wasn't doing anything with my life.

"You are 18 years old, sweetheart. Shouldn't you be getting a job by now?" Mom says while we are eating dinner. I drop the fork.

"Mom! I do have a job! Panic Soul is my job. Do you even know how much money I could get with this band. We are going to America and we are still full of song ideas. At least I am, and Connie has so many ideas about the musical part too. This is going to go well. We've already gotten so much more money and success than I thought we would with this band and we will only get more." I explain, my voice octaves higher than usual from annoyance. I always do that when I get annoyed.

"Okay, okay, just be careful with the whole fame thing. I don't think it's for you." Dad says, and I feel offended deep into my soul.
I have lost my appetite and I grab my plate to put it in the dishwasher.

"Where do you think you're going, young lady?" Mom says and I keep looking at the floor.

"I'm going to my room to pack the rest of my things. And then I'm gonna mentally prepare myself for this tour. I hope you will miss me. Miss arguing with me and never telling me anything nice. I could use some confidence." I say, getting my frustration out.

"Hey... we didn't mean anything by it. You know what we mean. It's a dangerous bussiness this fame thing. We just want to protect you." Dad says as I go up the stairs. Please don't follow me, please don't follow me, I think, and my wish becomes reality.

I go into my room and close the door where I have a big Tokio Hotel poster on the back of it. It's the only poster I have of them and it's always hidden as long as I keep the door open. Seeing their faces calms me down enough to be able to think clearly.

I have to write down everything I need, and then I need to write in my diary, and then I need to take a shower, and then I need to clean my room so it's nice for when I'm back, and then I need to think every scenario through and then I can relax and listen to some Tokio Hotel before bed.

So that's what I do. And it takes longer than I expected to get my mind clear of all the worries, but I manage to do it. I'm almost too tired to do anything else before sleeping, but I have enough energy to listen to two Tokio Hotel songs before sleeping.
I imagine meeting them while I'm on my tour and I let my imagination run wild, making me believe that they would actually like me in real life. I try not to think about the sad truth even when it hits me like a bus once in a while.
But it makes me happy and distracted enough to fall asleep.

***