Lifes Truth Cuts Deep

Emergency

My mom got home one day and found me in the bathroom with my wrists slit and picked me up and brought me to the emergency room. where the doctors had also found that I had taken a whole bottle of pain killers. When I finally woke up everyone asked me why I did it. But honestly, I just didn't want to deal with anything anymore all of my guilt was taking over me. My mom was crying in the chair in the corner of the hospital room and I knew what I had done I had hurt her even more than i already had and that made me feel even worse and told her that I was fine and she asked me one more time why did you do it and that's when I realized it my father was in the room he never came to anything well at least he cares enough to show up. I personally think he just wanted to see me dead but maybe that wasn't true. I was pulled out of my thought process by someone saying that it was Friday it was time for therapy and i knew how things worked mostly because I've done this a lot when it was a day for my therapist to see me and i was in the hospital, she would come to me instead of me come to her and there it was her silent knock on the hospital room door. As she came in everyone who was in the room hurried out of the room like she was something bad like a predator and they were all the prey. But she had a smile on her face and that's how you knew it was untrue her smile explained everything. But I wasn't afraid. She then said, "I'm ready for some more of your story." So, I told her Well I guess I can start on last June, but you have to promise me that you won't think I am crazy. She then agreed, " I promise." So I told her how I was at my fathers and I was watching the kids the whole week the kids where my father's girlfriends niece's children and I watched them as if they were my own children at a very young age they would call me mom but I didn't really care when they were older they would find that i was not there mother they would cry every time I would have to go home to my mother's but I was always just so happy to leave I was tired of the screaming and things being thrown and the blood everywhere. I was tired of the disposing of the bodies i had to do with my brother. I just couldn't do it anymore but i still did go over there to make my father happy and to be able to see him more until one day I was over there for a whole week and in that whole week i couldn't sleep i never slept but in that one night i did sleep I felt someone caressing me in a weird way i didn't want to look I just wanted it to be over with and when it finally was he kissed me and i hated every second of it I felt so dirty that the next morning i went and took a shower thinking with images because of my PTSD I was also upset because he was a married man and his kids where the kids i watched at this point in time I was fifteen years old and he was twenty-seven. But that was on the first night and at that moment I had already made up a story in my mind and believed it too i lie to myself making up stories in my head so i don't have to face the problems. So, the next night i slept with him again hating every second of it this time was in the bathroom. The next day his wife came through the door angrily and said for me to get my ass outside. And my stepmother was on the couch and said Hey calm down what's going on. She said this little bitch here is saying that she slept with my husband. Already it was all over Hanning town and that was the small little town that I lived in. so when it was finally time for me to go back to school i was called a Home wrecker and all of these other things and the worst part was that my father didn't even believe that I was raped he didn't even believe a single word i said because his girlfriend said that would never happen but when I found his car outside of my father's house I was pissed i saw the Facebook post where the kids where at my dad's looking like a happy family without me there and it burned so I just shut off my emotions I still never told anyone i was raped because i was still pretending that it was consensual and that I liked it but every time I told myself or told someone else that lie I got madder so then I just had a mental breakdown and that's when i let the secret spill and there was no more lying. I still hate myself and i still cut myself and every second of the day i see what happened and every time i smell a certain smell or feel a certain thing i think of him and it burns and i just want to forget. So, I found something that helped me forget. When i took a blade to my wrist for the first time just trying it out i loved it because i could forget everything so i continue to do it." But the situation gets mentioned every day at school and sometimes even when i go into the towns store. The nurse then came in and said, "Hey sweety it's time to take the iv out you're being discharged.