Lifes Truth Cuts Deep

Life after death

"After a while I didn't cut but now I've started doing it again idk why but I just feel so bad I feel like I don't have a reason to live anymore I fell in love for a  a while but he left so now I feel a trillion times worse because I really loved him I know he loved me and I know I broke him from him seeing me like this. I'm falling apart all over again but hitting the concrete a million times harder. I don't feel like living anymore but the thought of my family seeing my lifeless body is too much for me to handle even when I'm dead and gone. Imagining one of my siblings seeing me there dead and lifeless on my bed or the floor haunts me because I would never want to hurt someone so badly even if they have hurt me a trillion times worse. But I've always wondered what really happens after death I believe in heaven and hell but i wonder what they are really like heaven is described as beauty and peace but hell is described as pain, hunger, and fire but what will these places really be like. I believe I'll go to heaven if I haven't killed myself by then. Because In the Bible it says if you kill yourself your going to hell so I won't kill myself because I don't think I can take anymore suffering and if it's worse than life then I don't wanna go." I say to my therapist. "That makes sense life can be very hard and especially after everything you have went through." My therapist states. "In all honesty I haven't even told you everything I have been through because something new has happened." I say quietly. "What happened if u don't mind me asking?" My therapist asks me while looking at me in my eyes trying to figure out what I'm thinking. That's when I say, "last year when I was raped the first night I was asleep the second night I was awake still too afraid to say a word not knowing If I would get hit or worse because I knew what he was capable of and I knew he always had a knife on him who knew what would have happened If I screamed or something. After all of that happened my mom didn't care my dad didn't believe me I thought my mom believed me but I guess she didn't because afterwards once the rape kit came back saying they found his semon that's when she started asking if I'm okay or actually being a mother towards me after everything went down I got grounded and had to get a flip phone I got punished for what he did to me and my step mom bailed him out of jail before he even spent a night. So yeah I was punished for no reason."