Red Blooded

Chapter 13 - Peace

I should have been strong.

I should have been stronger.

I should have been a lot of things by now: mother, wife, carer, lover...

I was not a believer of God - not even by a long shot. Science proved all my theories correct; science told me why I was what I was. But lately, especially in the last year, I took great comfort in thinking about something else, something other.

Something better - better than life itself.

There was so many things that I wanted to do with life. I had every possible means to fulfill nearly all of my dreams. It wasn't stupid, right? To grieve already? I mean, don't get me wrong, I would fight this cancer with all my might. I would fight it to the bitter end - the cancer's end; but I still felt like I should be grieving. Like I should be mourning life.

I'm not even sure why.

I was still alive.

I was still....

I wasn't healthy. Not one bit. I had cancer. How could I have cancer and be healthy? Even wealth couldn't buy me my health. If it could, I'm sure a lot of people would have tried to buy it in bulk and sell it on for extortionate prices.

But even health wasn't a guarantee.

Death was inevitable.

Death was a guarantee - maybe not now, but in years to come.

I still had to deal with death.

Eleven years ago

I failed.

I tried and I had failed. Even death didn't want me. How sad was that?

It was sad. It was very sad.

And now, I had the misfortune to wake up to another day and go to school to face the ridicule that I was so close to leaving behind. I shook my head in resignation. The disappointed looks on my parent's faces made me hurt inside - all over again.

I remember them bringing me back home from the hospital in the car - everything was silent, tense. They said nothing as they took me back home after a failed attempt at ending my life. The look on my mom's face said it all - burden.

That wasn't the look on Jessica's face right now, though. The look on Jessica's face was as if she just smelt something bad, something horrible.

On the outside, I was complacent. On the inside, though, I wished I had taken just a few more pills - death would always be better than facing her - the blonde, relentless bitch responsible for a lot of loathing.

"Well, well, well. I see it takes a lot to put this dog down." She scoffed, looking once of her shoulder to get a reaction from her girlfriends.

I tried to maneuver past her, but she quickly side stepped, blocking my exit.

"Where do you think you're going?" She snarled as she leaned forward. Her 5ft6 frame loomed over me, blonde hair dangling over her shoulders. I flinched away from her, recoiling as if I was ready for the onslaught of fists that would batter my face and body.

But no harm came.

"You think I'm going to hit you?" She gasped in mock hurt.

Yes.

"No." I whispered.

Jessica nodded her head. "That's right, I'm not." She said.

Why did I let myself feel relieved? Why did her lying words get me to relax my shoulders.