Red Blooded

Chapter 23 - Conflicted

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Words will never hurt me?

Lies.

They hurt. They hurt like hell.

Every word felt like the prick of a dart, so sharp and pointy; and when thrown with acute precision at the dart board, at the bull's eye, it hurt even more. Just a few simple words had enough power to shatter the illusion that I had strived to achieve. It was no use denying it; I had given Hayden power to hurt me.

He didn't want to see me.

I could only groan in frustration. How the tables had turned. If someone had told me months ago that it would be I who needed comfort from him...well...I don't know what I would have done, but I certainly wouldn't have believed them. After that first rejection nine years ago I thought I was done leading the life I was forced into leading. Ten years on and the scars of my battles were evident for all to see.

Paige told me a joke last year, on my birthday, in attempt to make me laugh: What goes up but never comes down? I'll admit I was puzzled, but sure enough the red headed angel told me the punch line, your age, and collapsed into a fit of giggles. It was true. Every year the number increased, steadily growing. I was twenty four yesterday, and today I was a whole year older. Twenty five. If I were to look closely enough in the mirror I might have seen the fine wrinkles growing around the eyes, the laugh lines that were appearing around my mouth, and my blonde hair darkening in the sign that they would soon turn gray. But it was lies. Growing older gracefully, wrinkles and all was a lie omission.

Weren't wrinkles and laugh lines all a part of growing up? Shouldn't my wrinkles hold some oath of wisdom? Wasn't I supposed to have learnt a lot of things with every year I grew older? Because the fact was, even though I knew that I had turned another year older, I was still stuck in the mind of that fifteen year old girl who ran away from home. The only difference now was that I was better – aesthetically, of course.

It should have been a monumental occasion for me. Ten years of solidarity. Ten years of strength. Ten years of holding on. But as I got out of my car with Crick's house in view, all I kept thinking of was that I had ten years, all right. Ten years of missed opportunities.

All I want is for life to start working out for me, please.

"What'd you wish for?" The cherub beside me asked, pulling on my hand before I had the chance to straighten up from blowing the candles. "C'mon! Tell me!"

"Paige, honey, she can't tell you otherwise it won't come true." Gen pacified her daughter from where she sat, opposite me, beside crick.

"But how will I know when it comes true?" She asked, folding her arms and sitting back into place.

"I'll let you know." I told her, leaning forward to place a gentle kiss on her head. Dinner had long since finished, and as tradition remained strong, the cake was the finale. It had been a long day; all I longed for was the peace and tranquillity of my bedroom. Crick and I had picked up Sam from the airport at seven in the morning before we went straight to my old apartments – Hilary's house – where he showered. For breakfast Eric, Hilary, Sam and I went to breakfast at the deli I loved. I spent the afternoon with Paige and Adam in a tradition that had been started since they were old enough to walk, and now I was here, with my family for dinner.

"I don't think I can have any more food," Mary groaned. "If I eat anymore, I won't be able to keep up with Leo when we get down and dirty."

"Mom!" Eric cried, turning a beetroot red and shuddering. Everyone burst out laughing.