Red Blooded

Chapter 24 - Groupie Love

I tried to think back to pinpoint the time in my life when everything had started to go horribly awry. I sat for a while just thinking about it, but in the end I had given up and decided that it really didn't matter. I was happy. For the first time in a very long time, I had found myself feeling happy, and it was all because I was 'growing' as a person - or so I liked to think anyway.
And maybe I did have to thank a few other people around me too.
Hayden especially; mostly for dressing up in a pair of black jeans and a black shirt that had 'Groupie' written in large white letters on the back.

"So I'm pretty sure I lost my virginity back there." Hayden shrugged, nonchalantly. My knees were already weak from the laughter that had started when he began to moan. "I'm serious. I didn't realise women could be so deranged."
He leaned forward over the table, his eyes wide from shock. "I can still feel the slaps against my ass!"
The coffee that I had just taken a sip on in between spouts of laughter came spitting out. I fell back into my chair and covered my face with both hands. Hayden smirked and leaned back with a smug look on his face. By this point, I was worried that my laughter would entice the manager from his cave in the back and that he or she would ask us to leave.
"Sssh, people are looking at us." This was amusing to him. The more he spoke about the night that had passed the more I laughed. I had never imagined that I would actually enjoy the concert and the company that came along with it together.
Two weeks had passed since my birthday, since he had presented me with Michael Buble concert tickets, and the anticipation that led up tonight had been almost unbearable. Suddenly, I felt like a school girl waiting to see the next big boy band. In fact, I ended up like one.
Our night had started out gracefully. After getting into the office at 5am and putting in a solid 12 hours of work, I left feeling mellow and calm. Hayden met me at the concert instead of picking me up at home. Crick was driving me there and I wasn't confident enough to bring up the story of my sudden friendship with Hilary's 'former fiancée whom I used to hate a lot but now don't'.
It was all going so well. We were standing in the front row, close enough that I could catch a glimpse of Michael's smile...until a lady in her mid forties pushed in between Hayden and I and started stroking his behind. He was mortified. I was laughing hysterically. Hayden kept looking over his shoulder at me, trying to convey with his eyes for me to intervene, but being the friend that I was, I decided that I would give the couple some room and move back. What I thought was a simple gesture turned out to be the green light for every eligible woman over a certain age to hit on him. In the end, he pushed out of the crowd that had stopped listening to the music, ran towards me, grabbed my hand and pushed us both out of the crowd and out of the venue where he flagged the first cab down and told him to 'just drive'.
Somehow we ended up in a coffee restaurant house in the middle of Queens.
"My sides hurts so much." Both hands rested over my hips, massaging them slightly.
"Stop laughing then." Hayden retorted.
"You stop making me laugh!"
Hayden shrugged. "I can't help being funny."
I had no energy to reply. My energy levels were pretty much drained from laughing so hard I wanted to pee. Hayden looked unaffected. In fact, Hayden looked pretty darn good - he looked better than good. I had seen him every day since my birthday and every day since I managed to find something that I liked better about him. Like his mouth; when his lips lifted in a smile, I could almost see the dimples that were so much less prominent now than when he was younger. His eyes looked beautiful, not in a pretty way but in a way that made me stare longer than was required.
But every time I caught myself staring at him for longer than I should have, I had to remind myself - it was the bond. It was always the bond. There were moments in the last couple of weeks when I was laughing because Hayden had either said or done something stupid when I suddenly this nauseous feeling came over me and I stopped abruptly to think about whether it was actually the bond that was making me laugh with him. The feeling didn't last long though. I started to believe that I would have known whether or not the wolf was controlling my feelings for him. My feelings for Hayden, though very much platonic, were generated because I had started to actually like Hayden as a person.
Despite my subconscious informing me that I was either in love with Hayden or dangerously close to falling for him, I stayed firm.
I wasn't ready for a relationship. I wasn't ready for love. I wasn't ready to replace Marc.
"Have you calmed down yet?"
I nodded slowly. "I have indeed."
"You ready to go home?" He asked, already digging deep into his back pocket for his wallet to pay for the coffee.
"Yes please," I slid out of the booth and walked round to him. "There's a small burger stand not far from here. We can walk there and get burgers - my treat?"
Hayden placed a few bills on the table and walked me out of the restaurant. "Sounds great."
I took a quick glance at my phone once we stepped out. The late September air was a little frosty, but it felt good against my skin. We fell into step beside each other, not saying anything for a good few minutes, until we turned the corner onto the next block. The burger stand was about a ten minute walk from here on.
"Can I ask you something?"
I looked up from the sidewalk and into his green eyes. "Yeah."
I could have been mistaken, considering it was dark and the light from the posts wasn't enough to illuminate his face entirely, but I was sure he gulped.
"I wanted to ask you about...forget it. It's stupid."
I stopped, pulling him to a halt by grabbing his hand. "Hayden, just ask me." For a split second, I was frightened of his question. It was important to him, that I knew, otherwise he wouldn't have even begun to ask. He didn't reply. He just stood in front of me, looking conflicted. "Talk to me." I insisted, softly.
His face softened dramatically, his eyes drooping in sadness. "It's none of my business. I shouldn't even be asking you this, so don't answer if you  don't want to," he paused and looked remorseful, "and please don't hate me either...but...I just wondered how you knew Marc was the one."
Nothing could have softened the impact of that question. It stunned me into perpetual silence until I could feel my impatient body forcing me to move. I turned away from him and carried on walking, choosing not to answer...for now. It wasn't because I didn't want to answer; it was because I didn't know how to answer. It only took a few moments before Hayden's footsteps alerted me to his presence by my side.
How was I going to answer his question?
Why wasn't it getting easier to talk about Marc to others?
Why did Hayden even want to know?
He cares. Accept that you and Hayden have a strong friendship now. Let him in.
The air had taken a chilly turn, though not uncomfortable, but I still shivered. Marc wouldn't have hesitated to wrap his jacket around me. Sometimes, when I refused to take his jacket, he would refuse to even wear it. There were times when I would want to say something so badly that I would forget the words to speak, usually when I was annoyed or frustrated, but Marc was always there to soothe my soul, as if it had needed to be soothed in the first place.
How did I know he was the one?
"I just did." I spoke, answering his question. My arms crossed over my chest, partly to stop the chill that was slowly becoming more noticeable. "I'm sure you got all the juicy info from Hilary anyway," I looked up at him to confirm my suspicions and he shrugged apologetically, "but I only ever had three loves. Sam, Marc...and you."
I turned my head back to the front. The burger stand wasn't that much further; I could almost smell the caramelised onions already.
"I fell in love three times throughout my life. You were first, but only because I was forced into it by nature. It was generic." I didn't have to look at his face to know that my words would hurt him. Hell, if someone had said those to me, I would hurt too. But he did ask a question. I would answer it. "There was nothing about that love that I controlled. Sam was next." The memory of falling in love with Sam still brought a smile to my face. "He was my first real love. It was great. And I couldn't have wished for a better lesson in relationships."
"Lesson?" Hayden asked, confused.
I nodded, still not looking at him. If I looked at him now, I wouldn't want to finish. "Yeah. Falling in love with Sam was a lesson that hurt me so bad. When he left for London, all I could think about was his words when he told me he was leaving: This opportunity is too good for me to turn it down for a relationship that probably isn't even going to work out." I sighed. "I hated him so much in the minute that passed after he had said those words to me, but there was something in me that forced me to push all my feelings down. I felt like nothing would change. I would always be the girl that everyone looked over. I would always have my feeling trodden on, stepped on and squashed. I wasn't worthy of love. But in the end, I toughened up because of it." I stopped again, aware of the lump in the back of my throat. My heart ached for the girl that I had left behind in the past.
"The months that followed were dreadful. I drank so much, partied so much and slept from sunrise to sunset, only to go out and party and drink again. I was about to go home one night, after Hilary ordered me to come home, but instead I went to the pier on the docks and sat down. I'm not even sure how long I was there, but it was long enough for me to feel incredibly pathetic and sorry for myself. Enter love number three. Marc. He found me slumped over, my hands holding my head up, and I was pretty sure I was sobbing."
It was simple memory, but it was powerful enough to make me yearn for him so much.
"He stayed with me on that pier until sunrise the next morning. He listened to me. He talked to me. This man was a stranger to me that night, but as the hours passed and he pretended to sit comfortably to show me that he wasn't leaving, I'm pretty sure I somehow handed him my heart that very moment. And he had it. He kept both hands on me, keeping me afloat, never letting me drown...until he died."
Hayden kept quiet, waiting for me to finish. Suddenly I was grateful to him for asking me the question, for letting me answer. Suddenly I realised that I needed this.
"He was everything I thought I didn't need. Our love was natural and organic. There were no gimmicks involved, no cheesy line to chat me up with, and no fear of being rejected. For what I am and what I was, Marc wanted me. We were supposed to get married next month but instead I'm going to be wondering how I managed to survive a whole year without him."
With Hayden, still silent, by my side we walked another few minutes until the silver roof of the burger stand came into view. He kept up pace, never falling behind, despite how fast I realised I had been walking.
"Grab a table." I ordered him as I walked up to the slightly stereotypical fat man behind the counter and placed the order. I looked over my shoulder at Hayden just once whilst I waited. He sat looking away from the counter, his shoulders hunched a little. With the food served, I walked to the table and placed the Styrofoam box with burger inside in front of him. "Grubs up."
Hayden looked up suddenly, as if I had just interrupted him from deep thought.
"Thanks."
I sat opposite him, devouring my burger before he had the chance to even open the box.
"I have another question."
I looked up from the fingers that I had just licked. "Okay."
His face told me he was determined. His jaw line seemed more prominent, and his eyes burned with so much emotion that it was difficult to tell what he was even feeling.
"What do you think would have happened if my wolf had accepted you in the clearing?"
I finished chewing before I answered. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, do you think we would be like them? Do you think, ten years later, we would have been Alpha-Luna of the pack? Marriage? Kids? Do you think we would have been happy if my wolf had wanted yours."
My mind blanked. Never in the ten years I had been gone from Wolfeboro had anyone, let alone myself, even asked those questions.
I shrugged. "I don't know. I don't think...I just..." I stopped, confused. I knew him now. I knew him better than I thought I would ever get to know him. His words came rushing back to me, when he told me the story of what had happened when I left. "No. I don't think we would have."
"Why?" He asked, his deep, husky voice suddenly sounding so scratchy.
"Because..." I dropped the burger in my hand, wiped the excess on a napkin and leaned forward, keeping eye contact with him. I knew what his questions really meant.  "Because you're not like them, Hayden. You're nothing like them." The conviction in my voice sounded so sure. "I was young and having a heritage like ours meant that all I could think about was going down the same route. It consumed me. I was so blindsided that I didn't realise that everything I was wishing and hoping for was dreams that were only available to me inside my head. I can see the look in your eyes, Hayden. I know what you're thinking. I know who you are. You're just like me. You want to be human. Just human. You are good, do you hear me?" I reached out and grabbed both his hands and pulled them towards me in mine. "I'm seeing that doubt in your head, Hayden. Your wolf controlled you. Your wolf was the one that thought it could toy with another person, another wolf..."
It was like deja-vu.
One minute I was talking to him, watching his face clearly, and the next minute...a line of red appeared on his skin out of nowhere. The red trail cascaded down his nose and over the curves of his lips.
My eyes widened. "Shit, you've got a nose bleed!"
Hayden snatched his hands away from mine and reached out for the napkin. "Gross." He wiped at the liquid, leaving dark blotches of red just under his nose. "I hate nosebleeds."
"Do you have them a lot?"
He shook his head quickly, his hand still on his face, holding the napkin in place. "No."
"Should I be taking you to a doctor or something?"
He shook his head again. "No. But...I'm feeling really tired, mainly because you thought it was funny to let the hyenas pounce on me."
I smirked. "I was the perfect wing woman for you today. You should be grateful. Most men would love to have me as their wing woman."
Hayden frowned and rolled his eyes. Wiping the last remnants of the crimson liquid, he grabbed a couple more napkins and stood up when I did.
He  flagged a cab down a block away. It took us directly to my apartment building. He rode the elevator up with me and dropped me off to my front door.
"Thanks for a great evening. I had so much fun today."
"Aside from serious altercations with the female Buble fan population," he stared pointedly again, making me blush, "I had a great time, too."
I turned my back on him for a few seconds to open the door.
"Do you want to come in for a drink?"
"I'm alright. I'm beat, and my bed and I are in a serious relationship. She won't like it if I don't get to her in time." He joked.
"Do you want me to call a driver? He'll be here in a couple minutes? He can drop you off home if you like."
Hayden laughed softly. "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you."
My face screwed up slightly. "Tell me what?"
He sighed. "I live on the third floor."
"What?"
Hayden nodded his head. "Yep. You heard correct. I live a few floors down."
It all made sense. "So that's how you got here so quick when Kate was here? I always wondered. Huh."
He walked backwards towards the elevator, shrugging his shoulders. "It was empty. The realtor said it was a good investment. And I did tell you that I would look for something close."
I rolled my eyes. "Yes. I remember." Shaking my head, I walked inside. "Night Hayden."
The door was open long enough for me to see him walk into the elevator and wink. "Goodnight, Em."
It was only after the doors had shut, both the elevator and the apartment door, that my phone pinged to life. It was a text - from Hayden.
Thank you for being so honest with me. I don't deserve to have you in my life, but I am so grateful that you are.
That text was the last thing I thought about before I went to sleep that night.

"Do you want the good news or the good news?"
"Considering you handed me a death sentence not that long ago, I'm not sure what you consider good news." I shook my head, exasperated at Sue.
She chuckled, "I guess I did. But the good news really is good news."
"So hit me with it, Doc. What's this news that has you practically giddy?" I asked, leaning back on hospital bed.
It was the first of the chemotherapy sessions since finding out that I was pretty much doomed, the first since 'hibernating' for two or so days. It was six hours of sitting on a bed with needles stuck in me whilst watching midgets fight on Jerry Springer. Dr Sue had taken blood samples and hustled in and out of the room all day. At one point, unlike the other times, she had asked me to do a full MRI scan to check progress. She was good at her job, that was for sure. She smiled at me, keeping me informed of change in medication and the like. But every time she smiled, I could see the dimming of the fiery passion she once had for her profession.
"Well," she walked round to my side of the bed and stopped a few feet away, "It seems as though I was mistaken with my initial analysis."
My heart began to thud fast - so did the monitor I was hooked up to. Sue frowned and raised a brow. I tried my hardest to slow it down but it was the anticipation that was getting to me.
"Doc, this heart ain't gonna stop until you tell me. What mistake?"
She opened the files she had in her hands and brought out a piece of paper and held it out for me. "I checked and doubled checked. That paper shows your stats from a month ago to now."
The lines and numbers blurred into one. I had no idea what I was looking at. I huffed out loudly and dropped the paper onto my lap.
"Just tell me. What mistake?" I snapped.
Sue fidgeted on the spot. "It seems as if your wolf has declined, almost to the point of non-existence."
"What?" I shot up. "What do you mean declined? H-how?" I whispered the last question.
"I'm not even sure." She smiled, but it didn't touch her eyes. "Your wolf is near enough gone. Your organs have started to reshape and your blood count is steadily going back to normal. You still have leukaemia, but that leads me onto the other good news. You only need maybe six more sessions before we can assess you again. I'm confident you'll go into remission very soon."
"But?" I prompted. I could see the words coming out of her mouth and I could hear them too, but there was something else.
"But nothing."
She's lying.
I know.
"Are you hiding something from me?"
"Why would you ask something like that?" She asked, confused. But she wasn't. I could feel it. She said that she had good news, yet when she told me, she had smiled - but it never reached her eyes. Like there was repercussions for her happiness or something; as if she was conflicted.
Or maybe I was over thinking. Watching ten lie detector tests on the Springer Show had probably clouded my judgement.
"I'm going to be okay?" I mumbled with sudden relief.
Sue's gaze softened. Her sparkling eyes shone with hope that I hadn't seen in a long time.
"Yes. You're going to be more than okay."
"What about Hayden? He's going to be alright, right? With my wolf fading, his will too. Will he be okay?"
"I'll get him in for testing." She said quickly and changed the subject just as quickly. "Right now I want you to rest. It's just a few more hours before I can release you."
She walked out of the room a few seconds later, leaving me with my thoughts. She had just given me my life back. I cried. I did. But it wasn't until my head hit the pillows that I realised I wasn't exactly sure what I was actually crying about. Before, knowing that I was slowly declining, I was able to let my guard down, prepare for death even. I had built my bridges with both my families, and had written a will preparing for death. The biggest step I had taken was to finally make amends with Hayden. Up until now I was sure that I was making up for lost time now before it was too late. But with this extended time limit, I found myself worried about what to do next.
And maybe that was what I was crying about.
I could finally move forward with my life, instead of keeping myself on pause.
It was happy tears.