Daughter of Mayhem

An Unnerving Truth

[Author's Note: Hi readers! I know it's been a few months since my last chapter. I promise I have, in no way, given up on this story. Ideas always pop up in my head for this story, so I'm always writing something. :) This chapter marks the end of season one of the series. The next chapter will be considered season two but it doesn't immediately pick up with the first episode. I want to write about Jax and Charlie easing into parenthood and the struggles they face coming to terms with the truth of Donna's murder. I feel like both of them will suffer a serious state of disillusionment and who knows? Maybe we will see a real argument between the two of them. But, that's for the future! For now, please enjoy this chapter. It's a bit longer than most of them and I apologize for any typos. As always, I enjoy when I receive some feedback, so feel free to let me know your thoughts. Happy reading! :)]

–Charlie–

     When damage is done to a club like Samcro, retaliation is the only recourse. An ill-spoken word challenging the pride (or ego) of a rival club member, interrupting the flow of whatever outlaw trade the clubs are involved in, attacking them on their home front, or attacking one of their women—these are all valid reasons for a motorcycle club to resort to retaliation. If you've been involved in the life in any capacity, none of it surprises you. It's just how things are, especially for the ones who have been in the longest like my dad.

     Internally, things work very much the same way. Brothers can't simply take retaliation, against others or each other, in their own hands. There is a democratic process that must take place before any and all mayhem ensues. A vote. Without that basic principle, the integrity of the club—based on their own moral code—comes into question. Without a vote, the foundation that builds a club begins to crumble.

     A vote is something most do without question and wouldn't consider doing anything major without the approval and/or knowledge of their brothers. However, on a rare occasion, under the guise of protecting the club, a member or two may act without club knowledge in a manner ill-befitting of the integrity of the club. And in nearly every case of someone going rogue on a scale where death is almost a certain outcome, their assumptions are misguided, reprehensible, and innocent people become collateral damage along the way.

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     I was only about fifteen minutes behind Jax when I walked into the home we shared. I found him sitting in the living room, a sleeping Abel in his arms, and Wendy sitting on the sofa on the opposite side of the room. I sensed frustration and a little despair coming from her and I couldn't help but wonder what was going on.

"Hey Babe," Jax said, offering me a smile when I came into the room. I hated that it was still tainted with sadness, and I hated even more that my own smile was weak and short-lived."Hey," I said and bent to kiss him and then kissed Abel's forehead. He didn't even stir. I turned and sat beside him, and my eyes met Wendy's, but she quickly looked away. "What's wrong?""Nothing except he's been fussing since the moment I got here and when Jax comes in and takes over, he's content and sleeping. I have no idea what I'm doing." Her eyes welled with tears, and she was swift to wipe away the one that slipped out."It takes time, Wendy.""I know! Time that I don't have because I have to leave tomorrow. I've read all the books around here about babies, but I guess they don't have a chapter about ex-junkie moms."     I could see she was trying to refrain from pulling her hair out so I went to sit beside her and pulled her in a tight hug. She stiffened only for a moment before she allowed herself to be comforted by her ex-husband's girlfriend."Our pages haven't been written yet. Early months are stressful for everyone and the fussiness is about as normal as it gets. You aren't doing anything wrong.""It sure feels like I am.""From what I understand, all moms feel that way in the beginning. And hey," I said and leaned back out of the hug I was giving her, "you can share the weight of that burden with me." She chuckled and wiped her face free of the tears she had shed against my shoulder."If it's all the same to you," she said, "perhaps for the time being, I let you carry the burden. I think I might be too fragile to withstand it all right now.""I think I can do that. I remember this one time shortly after my niece was born, Donna just..." I trailed off, the loss of my sister all but slapping me across the face all over again. I felt the sting of tears and, for a moment, my grief threatened to swallow me whole. Was that the first time I said her name today? After a few deep breaths, a gentle hand grabbed mine and pulled my attention to the woman sitting beside me. Her expression was soft, full of compassion and sorrow and I found myself squeezing her hand with my own."I am so sorry about Donna. I didn't know her well, but she was always kind to me, even when I didn't deserve it. If there were anything I could do, please know that I would." I wiped my eyes with my free hand and smiled at her."Thank you. I appreciate it. The only thing we need you to do is take care of yourself, okay?""I will certainly make an attempt. I can't make any promises.""Promises, while well-intended, are nothing but empty words. Actions will speak louder than your words ever will. We are rooting for you, Wendy.""Better not let Gemma hear you say that," she said with a laugh. I scoffed and shook my head."I'm not scared of Gemma. I'll give back as good as I get.""I'd pay good money to see that." I laughed and said, "why do you say that?""Because you're so different from her. You're so sweet. To literally everyone. Although, I do believe deep down, you might enjoy raising a little hell.""Deep down?" Jax said from his spot on the other couch. I glanced over at him and his face was alight with humor and sarcasm. I offered him a cheeky grin before turning back to Wendy, who was chuckling at our interaction."It's not so deep down, Darlin'. I do like causing a little mayhem.""All the more reason for me to pay money to see it.""You'll probably get to see it for free since we're going to be involved in each other's lives for the rest of our lives," I said, grinning. They both laughed and I gave a slight shake of my head. "When is the funeral?" Wendy asked, using the same soft tone as before. I sighed and rubbed my face."Tomorrow. It will be a closed casket and there won't be a viewing.""Was...was the damage that bad?""I don't know. I haven't been able to see her.""You don't need to," Jax said quietly. "It was about as bad as you're imagining."     A nasty retort was on my lips until I looked up and met his anguished, haunted eyes. All my rough edges softened because I knew he was trying to protect me from the image that had robbed him of sleep and given him nightmares the night before. I gave him a nod, acknowledging without words that he was right.      Without warning, nausea slammed into me, and I was forced to excuse myself. I almost didn't make it when the little I'd eaten that morning reversed itself through my system. When the wave passed, I shakily got back to my feet and quickly brushed my teeth. I'd swear I had a stomach bug if there wasn't such a heavy presence of grief that made it almost too hard for me to breathe. It was easier when I was at home compared to when I was at my brother's house, however.     Desperate for a bottle of water, I headed for the kitchen but was stopped when I heard Jax call me from Abel's room. He was just laying him down when I walked in, and I was happy to note that the baby didn't wake. I leaned over the side of the crib and softly touched Abel's sweet, sleeping face and I couldn't stop my spreading smile. Some of my tension drained from me when Jax's hand rubbed my shoulders and then gently squeezed the muscles on the back of my neck. His voice was soft when he spoke, to either not wake the baby or to not have Wendy hear, I didn't know."Are you okay?" The squeezing on the back of my neck became rhythmic and a quiet moan escaped me."Yeah," I said with a nod. "I'm okay. I just wish this shit wasn't happening." His arms wrapped around me from behind and he whispered, "me too. I wish there was a way I could change it." I settled my weight against him and he held me a bit tighter, nuzzling the spot just behind my left ear. If I were a cat, I'd be purring. As heartbroken as I was, I wasn't about to take intimacy with him for granted. "I wish you could too, but unfortunately, not everything is fixable, Baby. As devastating as it is, we will adapt and carry on. It's what we do.""We just never saw it coming." I turned in his arms until I was facing him and held him around his shoulders."How could you even anticipate it? All Old Ladies know the risk but the violence so rarely affects us this deeply because you all protect us and handle your business. How could you possibly have seen something like this coming?""By beefing with the Niners—""The club has had dealings with the Niners, ups and downs, for years, Jax. They've never targeted an Old Lady from what I can remember.""You don't think it was them?""I don't know. I don't know what to think, Baby, but the math ain't mathing. This seems to go much deeper than a gangland dispute." His eyes looked to the wall behind me and his expression turned thoughtful until I cupped his face and made him look at me. The sadness remained but he gave me a sweet smile and I stood on my toes until I could kiss him. When we pulled apart, he held me close enough for me to bury my face in his neck and tight enough that it felt like no matter what happened, he would always hold me up. He kissed my temple, sighing as I held him around his middle."I'll keep my eyes peeled. I have to leave for church.""Okay," I said and we separated after a few minutes. "I'm not sure what you guys are going to do, but whatever it is, please be careful.""We will, Baby. You good with Little Man?" I smiled when he reached down and gently ran a hand over Abel's head and though the baby sighed, he didn't wake up. Jax's expression softened and intense eyes met mine after a moment."We'll be fine," I said. "I think between Wendy and me, we can handle him.""Mom will be here in a bit, too.""I know. And I know Gemma can handle Abel. She was born to mother everyone.""Ain't that the truth," he said, chuckling and bending to kiss me lightly. "Bye.""Bye, Babe."I took a few deep breaths before I left Abel's side, returning to the living room after I got a bottle of water from the fridge. Wendy was reading one of the several baby books she was surrounded by and I sat on the couch where Jax had been sitting when I came home. I grabbed the remote from the table next to me and turned the TV on, flipping through channels until I found something mindless but entertaining."Hey is there any of that pizza left from last night?" Wendy asked, not looking up from the book in her hand. I glanced at my watch and realized it was getting close to noon and, as I'd just vomited what little breakfast I ate, food didn't sound like a terrible idea."Unfortunately, no there isn't. I'm not surprised since Abel coming home was a whole event and the men around here sure can put away the food. Are you getting hungry?""Starving, actually. Sometimes I can't stomach the thought of breakfast and then I'm starving by lunch time.""I can call Gemma and see if she will stop by and pick something up. What would you like?""I wouldn't mind a burger.""Sounds good to me." I grabbed the cordless phone from the table next to me, calling Gemma swiftly."Hi Baby," she said and her soft words made me feel warm."Hey Gem.""I was just about to call you. From the number you called from, I assume you're at home.""I am. Are you on your way over?""Yeah, I'll be there soon. It's getting close to lunch time. Are you and Wendy hungry? I can pick something up."I chuckled and said, "that's actually what I'm calling you about. Can you pick up a couple of burgers?""Of course, Sweetheart. You both want everything on it?""Have it all put on the side. I'm not sure what all I want.""Cheese on mine, please," Wendy said, not looking up from the book in her hand."Did you hear that?" I asked Gemma."Sure did. Cheese for you too?""Absolutely. Can't have a burger without cheese.""Okay. I should be there in about twenty minutes.""Sounds good," I said and we exchanged goodbyes.Wendy finally looked up from the book she was reading and gave me a small smile. "I envy that.""Envy what?""How close you are with her. Being someone she loves only helps your relationship with Jax.""It's always good to get along with your boyfriend's mother, but Gemma and I have our own relationship. That was established long before Jax and I ever thought about hooking up. Although, I suspect that she always wanted us together.""As one of his past relationships, I can say with complete certainty that you are correct.""She may have wanted Jax and I together, Wendy, but if it had happened on her time line instead of this one, Abel wouldn't be here. No one, not even myself, would turn back time to erase it all."She smiled and said, "we had our time. It was chaotic and dramatic and I don't regret anything other than the fact that I couldn't stay sober. I will forever regret that and carry it with me for the rest of my life. If I'm being honest, I think Jax and I were toxic for each other. I know I wasn't who he really wanted.""Maybe you were at the time. Why else would he have married you?""We were both lonely and we knew each other well enough at the time. We'd been hooking up for a few months and I think it escalated from there. I genuinely loved him and I think he had love for me, but he was only ever in love with you.""I don't know about that," I said and cleared my throat. She chuckled and flipped through her book again."That's because you don't see how he looks at you when you aren't paying attention. You don't see what us mere observers see when we're in your orbit." I glanced away for a moment before I focused on her again. She seemed casual and relaxed, like it didn't bother her in the least bit to sit in her former home with me."Are you uncomfortable to be around us, Wendy? Does it seem like we are shoving things in your face?" As if she were taken aback by my words, her wide eyes shot up to meet mine."Oh no, that's not what I mean, Charlie. I was uncomfortable at first but that was mostly because I wasn't sure how you were going to react with me being around and wanting to spend time with Abel. However, the longer I'm around you the more comfortable I am. You have, to my astonishment, encouraged me to be present in my son's life. Knowing my history with the man you love, you've also welcomed me with open arms. I know it's because of Abel, but there are many women who would use my tragic mistakes as an opportunity to push me out completely. Jax is also different with you around. He's always been brooding and he has all those rough edges and walls because of the club but since you've been back, he allows some of the hard edges to soften. He allows more of his own personality to show and it's easier to see the kind of father he's going to be."The smile that touched my lips was involuntary as I thought of Jax when he held his son for the first time. No one would ever convince me he wouldn't love his children with all his heart and do the best that he could. "On that we agree.""Do you think he'll be like his dad? Since you and Opie grew up with him, you can offer some insight there." I thought for a moment before I answered."I think Jax will be more involved with Abel, and any other children we have, than his dad was with him. John seemed a bit distant, but if I'm being honest, that was mostly in the later years of his life. When we were younger, my family and Jax's family were always together, both in and outside of the clubhouse.""Because your dad and John were best friends right?""Yes, they were. When there was downtime in the club, both our families would spend as much time at the beach as often as we could. John and my dad were always tossing the football and running around with Opie, Jax, and Jax's little brother, Thomas.""I forgot he had a brother.""No one really talks about him much, but it was after he got sick, then after he died, that John seemed to distance himself from everyone. I think he spent a lot of time with another charter. Right after Abel was born, Jax couldn't bring himself to see him for about a day. He was too afraid of getting attached and then losing him. That was the closest I ever saw Jax be like his father, in the parenting sense. He pulled his head out of his ass and then was there for his kid. Where John seemed to take a step back from everyone, Jax did the opposite.""I didn't know that about John.""Not many do. We were close enough that his absence was noticeable. He came back from whichever charter he was at after Thomas died and he was physically here, but even as a young girl I could sense he wasn't himself. He lost one son and yet seemed to disregard his older son. Jax spent a lot of time at my house after Thomas died, too.""He and Piney do seem really close.""They are," I said with a grin. "I know Gemma always wanted Jax to hook up with me but I suspect my dad wanted the same thing. He'll never admit it, though." She snickered and shook her head, finally giving up the pretense of reading the book in her hand as she closed it and tossed it on her small pile."One day, I'd like to hear at what point you and Jax began to see each other differently."I laughed and said, "honey, I've been crazy about that man since I was twelve years old. If you want to know at what point he began to see me differently, you'll have to ask him.""You mean you don't know?""I have my suspicions but I never really thought to ask. I'm just glad he doesn't see me as a sister.""I've seen how he looks at you. There is absolutely nothing resembling sibling love on his face.""Thank God for small favors."      By the time the words left my mouth, Gemma made her way through the front door, food bags in her hand. The three of us sat around the kitchen table, talking while we ate and then talking for several hours longer. When Abel woke up, we each took time to tend to him and smother him with as much love as we could muster. It was there, in the heart of the home I shared with Jax, with his mother and his ex-wife, that Gemma and I both forgave Wendy for her past mistakes. I could feel the beginnings of an unconventional, yet genuine, friendship building between Wendy and myself. This was made even more clear when I wept in my grief for my now-dead sister once again and she wrapped me in a tight embrace. I would do everything in my power to make sure Abel not only had myself and his father, but he would have the woman who gave birth to him as well. A friendship with her would be the best way for that to happen.