Collision

Chapter Thirty

~ Chapter Thirty ~

Ellie's P.O.V.

With every word I used to describe Julie's fate, Carl shook his head in disbelief. Although he let me finish the story, I could tell that he wanted to shut me off the minute I'd mentioned his dad.

"Say something," I urged, breaking the silence that was tearing him apart more than it tore me.

Carl stared at the empty air in front of him, as if he'd just lost his memory and forgot how to speak.

"Carl..."

"Stop. Please, stop," he begged, a different urgency to his voice. "No, it doesn't make sense. You're not making sense. I'm going to go."

I ran in front of him to block his path and keep him from going anywhere. "No, you're not. You need to know that this secret can't be told to anyone."

"I wouldn't tell people lies, now please get out of my way while I'm asking nicely."

My eyes grew wide as he just told me off.

This was the reaction I'd feared? No, this was the reaction I never knew could happen. Carl, out of all people, was one of those who denied the truth. Maybe blind with respect for his dad, he didn't even bother putting the pieces together.

Sighing as he walked away from my sight, I shook my head and walked back to the group. I decided to keep my mouth shut from then on. No one would believe me except Joel and I didn't want to tell Joel. He was getting along with those folks and it'd been a while since he looked normal. He must've really missed Tommy, since he grew a liking to Rick's character. Well, Rick's outer appearance. Tommy would've never done any sort of thing as ludicrous as this.

For the rest of the day, I decided to alienate myself from the pack. Joel was the only one with enough care to keep up with me, but I didn't let him notice anything. Letting him get back to his talk with Rick about the laws and the dead government, I got ready to sleep, not even caring about the pair of eyes digging daggers through my back as I forced my own eyes closed.

No, I wouldn't let him get to me. I had nothing to feel guilty about; I only told him the truth which had to be told sooner rather than later. But a part of me felt nothing but guilt. What if I had just driven a wedge between his relationship with his dad? On the other hand, what if I had just driven a wedge between him and me? I couldn't decipher which would be worse.

Deciding to shut off my thoughts, I focused on turning my back away from everyone around the fire. Tears dropped slowly to my ears, one by one in pattern as if scheduled for my heart to break in sync with the time that would never heal.

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Although I pretended to snore, I truthfully did not get even a minute of rest that night. Maybe it was the adrenaline, the lack of adenosine, or even the cramps of which my stomach gifted me with, but I stayed unmoving and awake.

Surely the people who were awake to watch over the camp talked here and there, but when they didn't, I was comforted by the silence. The silence let me escape with my own thoughts, and whether I liked it or not, my thoughts were the only thing on my side and keeping me as sane as possible.

Would I have to tell Joel? If I did, would that be a relief or a disaster? No, I'd have to keep this to myself and leave it for Rick and Carol to decide whether or not they want to reveal the truth. But what would I do until then? Eat my brain from the inside out until my conscience ate me alive?

From the back of my head, a small voice kept prompting me to do something: leave.

For a second I almost slapped myself for thinking such a stupid thing, but after a few minutes of pondering, it didn't sound like such a bad idea.