Forever Yours

chapter five

Present Day

The weekend after the football game goes by so slow. I worked five hours on Saturday and Sunday at my new job. I got my job right before school started because my dad wanted me to 'start becoming a responsible adult.' It's at this seafood restaurant called The Lighthouse. Dad knows the owner, so it was easy to get me a job as a server. Other than that, I watched a movie with my dad, did my homework, talked on the phone with Mia, but I mostly laid in bed and slept. I didn't want to leave the house at all. I was too sad, too busy crying and thinking about seeing Jack for the first time in a long time.

I thought about Joel a lot too. I thought about our conversation on the football field and how concerned he was when I saw Jack. I appreciate his concern, but I'm also mad at him. I can't believe he asked me what happened between Jack and me, the audacity! He isn't that good of a friend to inquire about such a touchy subject. But it's not like he knows it's a touchy subject. I'm sure he assumes it's almost nothing. Maybe that's why I'm mad about it. Because he thinks nothing bad really happened. But the truth is, the worst happened, and I don't know how to cope with it.

The past two years of my life have been trying to get over Jack. I thought it would be easy, but it was so far from that. Getting over Jack has been a struggle; just like losing my mom. I never figured out a way to cope with either, so I turned into a depressed, angry being, who hates everything and everyone. I don't feel happiness in anything anymore. The little things-like getting an A on my math test-, the big moments-like turning sixteen and getting my driver's license-; nothing makes me happy. I lost my sunshine I once had. Getting over Jack has been hard mostly because I'm reminded every day by my classmates of the choices I made that led to the ending of Jack and me. That, and the fact that I still care about him. Why do I care about Jack so much? Maybe because he was my first. First boyfriend, first love, and first first. But none of that matters, I should see what he did and realize that he is nothing to care about. Jack hurt me and that is why it should've been easy for me to move on. He's a horrible person, but that made it harder in a way. He took power over me that day, and I felt like a prisoner to him. To his actions, his words, and his feelings. And I still am.

I let Jack control my life and the way I am. I don't date because of him, and I feel like that's sad. I feel broken; like I'll never be able to love again. It sounds a little over dramatic, but that's how I feel.

Then there is Joel, this sweet and handsome boy who is trying so hard to be my friend, or more than that? I don't know, but I'm just so scared he'll be the same and I just couldn't take that again. I can't take being broken again.

Another thing that has been happening all weekend are Joel's incessant text messages. I gave him my number the day of the game and I'm now regretting it.

Joel: Willow? Can we talk?

Joel: Are you ignoring me??

He just needs to see that I'm not going to reply and go on with his day. But I get yet another text. This time asking if I'm okay. Obviously I'm not! But I give in and reply this time.

Me: We'll talk later. Leave me alone.

And by later, I mean never, but I'm not going to say that because that will just lead to another message. Finally, he stops. He's going to expect a friend conversation on Monday. Ugh.

Monday finally comes around and I'm dreading going to school. Well, more specifically, I'm dreading whatever 'talk' I might be having with Joel. But at least I'm getting it over with sooner rather than later, because he's walking up to me the second I get out of my car.