Forever Yours

chapter thirty-one

After Joel and my reappearance in the house, I go straight up to my room. Not giving Dad or Connie any explanation as to why I ran from the house. And not sticking around to talk to Joel more. Joel... my ex-boyfriend. That doesn't sound right. None of this is right. I start to cry once I reach my room and flop onto my bed.

About an hour goes by of crying before I hear a knock on the door. I groan. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. "Go away!" I call to whoever is at the door. But my wish is not granted, when my dad walks in.

"Willow," he says.

"What?" I ask a little too harshly. But he doesn't get mad. He just looks at me with sympathy.

He sits next to me on my bed. He starts to pet my head like I'm a dog. I look up at him with disdain. A scowl evident on my face. I can't help but be infuriated by this man. If only I was allowed to date, I could have told him about Joel in the very beginning. Nothing would be a secret. Connie wouldn't be Dad's girlfriend—well fiancé now—, and I would still be with Joel.

"What's going on honey? Why are you crying? Is this because of Connie and me?" Dad questions.

"Well..." I start to speak, but I don't really know what to say.

So, Dad interrupts me, "I know you miss your mother, and this must be hard for you to see." He's still petting my head.

I give him a confused look. Of course, that must be what he's thinking. And of course I miss Mom. And of course I was skeptical of Connie at first, but that's not it at all. He must be feeling so terrible.

"No, Dad, it's not like that. You know I love Connie." I assure him.

"Then what is it honey?" he questions, trying so hard to pry answers out of me.

I turn over in bed, away from him petting my head. "It's nothing. Can you just go away?" I ask quietly. Tears start to fall slowly again.

Dad sighs, so I add a "Please?"

Before leaving my room, Dad says, "Connie and Joel are staying the night. I hope that's alright." I say nothing. I start to cry even harder after I hear my door click shut.

Hours later, long after everyone has gone to bed, I'm still awake thinking. The crying stopped only moments ago. I think back to what I said to Joel on the Ferris wheel. I told him that I would die without him. Well, here I am, still alive. But I wish I wasn't.

The pain is too much. I claw at my shirt, wanting to dig my fingers into my skin and rip my heart out. So that I could no longer feel it breaking. I start to cry again.

What am I supposed to do now? Now that I don't have Joel. Life feels meaningless again. It feels like it did three years ago. After Jack. I'm broken for the second time around. I think back to how I handled the situation then. What did I do to get through it?

A thought crosses my mind. I'm immediately up and out of bed. I change into my black, ripped jeans, my favorite Ramones t-shirt, and I throw on a black hoodie, pulling the hood up over my head. I make my way downstairs quietly, so as not to wake anyone. Especially Joel, who's sleeping on the couch, steps away from the front door. I watch him sleeping. He has a scowl on his face, his eyebrows pinched together. Like he's having a bad dream.

I'm sorry Joel. You'll be ok.

I turn to walk away and step on a creaky floorboard. I turn to look at Joel and he wakes up. He squints at me through the darkness. "Willow?" He questions, voice groggy. "What are you doing?"

I turn away from him quickly and run out the door. I hear him call my name again—more urgently—before I slam the door shut.

I make the fifteen-minute drive downtown and park along the street. Joel tries calling me for the eighteenth time. I hit the decline button and get out of the car. I walk into the hotel lobby. It's exactly as I remember it. Except, there's a new receptionist. She smiles at me and says, "Good evening!" All chipper and shit. I give her a fake smile and make my way over to the stairwell. I make the long ascent up. Thinking about if I'm going to do it for real this time. I have to. I just have to.