Katsuki loves Izuku. A lot more than he'd like to admit. He likes to believe that at some point Izuku loved him too. That somewhere behind those eyes the admiration he saw was real. That the smile that blinded him was genuine and not put on like a show.
But he'll never know because it's over now. He won't ever get to see the care and love in his eyes again, or see his dimples in the way he had. He'll only ever see him looking like that for someone else. He had his chance and he lost it. He had a firm grasp on it until Izuku started pulling his fingers away, until he finally gave up and let him go. If he hadn't let Izuku go, if he had just held on a little tighter and tried a little harder, maybe he'd be laying in bed with him right now. Maybe he'd fall asleep kissing him and not Kirishima. Maybe he'd talk to Katsuki, whisper about his day, until his eyes felt heavy and he started softly snoring.
Instead, he's alone in his bed, his hand hanging off the bed with a half empty bottle of alcohol in one hand and his phone in the other. The clock reads one in the morning and he's not planning on going to bed anytime soon. His head lazily moves to the side until his eyes focus on the bottle of antidepressants on his bedside table. It calls to him, his name written out on the label and telling him to take it all. Make the pain go away along with all the memories he never let go of. He grabs the bottle after dropping his phone onto his chest. Without even bothering to sit up he pops open the cap with a shake of the plastic pills inside the small bottle.
He takes big breath, a lump growing in his throat along with the knots in his chest. This is what he had to do to feel better, to finally rid himself of the guilt and anger he's never been able to let go of. At least in hell his body would be burning for all eternity and not his heart.
He closes his eyes, a tear slipping from his eyes and sliding down his temple as he remembers one last thing. One last memory to take with him.
-
"I love you Izuku."
Izuku looked up at Katsuki with all the love his heart could muster. His heart pounding in his chest and beating against Katsuki's chest as they danced. It was the graduation party, the last night to dance and drink illegally before they would be shipped off into the real world with more real world problems then they thought possible. The last night for slurred 'i love you's and kisses that would stick in their memories for years.
Izuku let a tear slip from his eye, feeling so many things all at once, until he laid his cheek on Katsuki's shoulder.
It took a few more seconds of music and background chatter for muttered words to come out of Izuku's mouth.
"I loved you too, Kacchan."
He no longer could admit his heart grew full in Katsuki's arms. He could no longer hold onto him with the tightest grip in the world like he would slip away if he lifted a finger. If he did that, his world would collapse when Katsuki let go first. He could feel it in the way he kissed him and held his hand, the loose grip that would let him float away if he really wanted to. But now, he needed to. Because loving someone who will never squeeze you as tight as you squeeze them, will never warm up your cold heart.
So, he'd be leaving with Kirishima tonight, starting over with someone who has an iron grip on his heart and would never let go. Even if his eyes always found someone else, he'd learn to look at Kirishima the same way he looked at Katsuki. He'd learn to hold on just as tight. He wouldn't spend his life chasing someone else. He didn't want to.
-
The empty bottle fell to the floor as liquid poured from the corners of his mouth and soaked into his pillow. When no more of the burning liquid came rushing into his mouth, he threw the bottle to the ground with a choked sob and the sound of shattering glass. He threw an arm over his eyes and cried, his throat closed and his stomach turning and twisting.
If only he had held on a little tighter, hugged him tighter, wiped his tears away, danced with him longer. He'd be in Izuku's arms, not the freezing arms of his own pity.
In a state of deliriousness and overwhelming pain, his arm leaves his eyes and his hand reaches for his phone until he has a loose grip on it again. The screen illuminated his pained face, the tear streaks glowing in the bright light. His eyes blur, unable to focus until he blinks and finds Izuku's contact still waiting for him to call.
He barely had to think, he can't hesitate. If he hesitates, he'd go to the grave with more pressure on his chest than he has now. When the phone starts ringing he puts it on speaker and drops it beside his head, his arms feeling like noodles and his legs no longer there.
His room is silent, the sound of ringing echoing off the bare walls and back into his ears. Another tear slips out as he thinks he'll die on his bed without ever saying goodbye to Izuku. Without ever telling him he loves him one last time. Without reminding him he'll never forget the love he felt. Then the ringing stops, but the voicemail doesn't start.
Instead, there's silent breathing and rustling until a sleepy, croaky voice says, "hello?"
Katsuki smiles to himself, "Izuku."
The line goes silent. It's so silent Katsuki starts to hear ringing, the ringing of electricity and the ringing of his heartbeat in his ears. He almost thinks Izuku's hung up.
"What do you want?"
He says it with such hostility that Katsuki almost believes Izuku hates him. But how could he?
Katsuki sighs, "you know," he turns his head so he's facing the phone, "just called to say I love you."
Katsuki hears a defeated sigh and the obvious sign of someone rubbing the bridge of their nose.
"Katsuki, please stop calling me. Goodnight."
In a moment of panic Katsuki blurts out, "does he hug you like I did?"
His words are getting slurred and he closes his eyes so his head stops pounding so hard. He takes a big breath before opening his eyes and continuing, because he doesn't want to know Izuku's answer.
"Does he treat you like shit," he chuckles to himself, the sound barely above a whisper as he breaths, "like I did?"
Izuku stutters a sound before he goes quiet. Katsuki looks back up at the ceiling. All the blood rushing to the back and settling like his head is a bowl full of water. He's getting pretty tired.
"I don't blame ya," He whispers, his eyes fluttering until they close. But he can still hear Izuku breathing. he can still feel his chest moving up and down. He can still feel his lungs barely filling with air every second.
"He's better than I ever coulda been."
It goes so quiet Katsuki thinks he's dead. He thinks he's stopped breathing until his heart pulses and his body forces him to breath in again. He had imagined more puking. More violent crying as he crouches over the toilet. But maybe it's just his will to die, keeping everything down so his body really takes the damage. He's never been more at peace in his life.
"I love ya 'Zuku."
Izuku takes a breath and Katsuki hears him exhale shakily.
"I loved you too Kacchan."
Katsuki smiles. His heart flutters and he breaths out like it's his last breath. His body feels so light, he might just get carried into the clouds by fairies.
In a whisper, one filled with hidden tears, Izuku finally says, "goodnight Kacchan."
Katsuki opens his mouth to say something else, say goodnight or good morning, whichever one came first. But his throat closes and he breaths in again instead. There's a few seconds of silence before a beep tells Katsuki that Izuku's hung up.
He wishes he could've said more. Done more. But everything he's said and done until now has left him on his cold bed in his blue bedroom, where someone will eventually find him unconscious. He hopes whoever finds him tells Izuku he was the last person he talked to, tells him he was special to Katsuki. Even if Izuku never believed it, it was true.
Katsuki's grip gets looser and looser until his lungs push out all of his air and his heart empties out all of its love. Katsuki hopes Izuku loves Kirishima as much as he loved Izuku. He hopes his grip never gets loose.
