After all of these years, I thought I would've been the one with Katsuki. I thought maybe I could've been the one he said 'I love you' to. Yet, he chose you instead.
I've known Katsuki since before he had a quirk, before he teased me for being quirkless, before it all. I loved him before you even knew who he was. I loved him for all of his flaws, all of his perfections and everything else in-between. I knew he'd never love me back, but some part of me wanted to believe it was because he was simply not capable of love. But that's selfish, believing he couldn't love because he wouldn't love me? From the way he looked at you, the way his eyes never left you after they were met with your glorious presence, I knew it was over. I knew everything I had believed, hoped for, was not true and Katsuki would in fact never love me the way I loved him.
In middle school, he didn't bully me, he teased me, but with a friendly glint in his eye. After elementary school, he had shed the idea that I was trying to be better than him and started letting me in. It wasn't easy, obviously he wasn't perfect, but it was better than what it had been. I felt a little desperate, like I would've done anything for him to look at me for more than just a second. Like I would've sold my soul for him to give me a smile, ask me to hang out, anything that would show he saw me as more than just a loser who's followed him around for years. But I saw the way he looked away when I backed away, when I sarted improving. He didn't notice, he never noticed me. Maybe there was a snarky remark on how I never give up, but that was about all.
Then, when we stepped foot into that classroom, his eyes rolling because I had been chatting his ears off, I knew everything was going to change. From the way the air changed, the way his walk slowed, to the way he stopped listening because he had seen you, the brightest light in the room. He saw you laughing and talking with others, the friendly smile on your face, and I knew it was all over for me. This was where it would end because I could no longer compete for a heart that would always beat for someone else.
You both got close, you sat together at lunch, even if Katsuki had never eaten lunch with anyone before, you passed notes in class, studied, laughed. All the things he never did with me, he did so easily with you. I swear if I would've asked, he would've said it was easier than breathing. Being friends with you, was probably like a breath of fresh air, an escape from the bubble I'd been keeping him in.
So I let him go, knowing no matter how hard I tried, he would never love me the way he loved you.
And my heart grew smaller everyday. Eveveryday he ignored my greeting, everyday he opted to sit with you in class, everyday he laughed with you like I'd never heard. Everyday my heart kept breaking, watching you open your arms and him come running into them. I'd held my arms open for so long, they were starting to get tired, yet I held them open anyways, hoping one day maybe he'd change his mind. He never did, so at some point I had to go a different direction, walk the other way so I didn't have to watch him cut apart my heart bit by bit.
When everything started getting serious, when the League started attacking and we knew their plan, that's when I heard him say it, those three words I'd been yearning to hear for years.
"I love you."
He said it in passing, in the common rooms when he thought no one was listening. You both were curled up in each other like animals seeking warmth, and I saw the warm glow come from you both when he said it. You said it back, the biggest and brightest smile I think I've ever seen on your face. He looked happy, he looked like he was in love. That was good, it was good he was happy. If nothing else, I'd rather not sulk in my own pity and accept that it was at least good he was happy, that he had found love.
But that didn't come immediately. That took time. Night after night I cried into my pillows, trying to drown out the sound of those words in my mind. Trying to wash out the images of you holding him, kissing him, making him happy. I spent so much time crying, I hardly had time for anything else. That was, until I started advancing and I could no longer cry my nights away.
When you saved him after he had been kidnapped, my body was filled with rage. I knew it would work because he loved you, he'd take your hand, but he wouldn't have taken mine. And he did take it, and all I could do was stand and watch you fly off, holding on tightly because he loved you and not me. I could no longer be sad becasue I was angry. Angry you had been there at all. Angry you had loved him back. Maybe it you hadn't, if you had hated him instead, he would've run to me. Maybe he would've come crying and I would've shown him that I loved him better. That my heart was fuller of him than yours was. Except you had come, and you did love him. Who was I to take that away from you?
I wasn't the one who ened up taking him from you. But sometimes, selfishly, I wish I had been.
During the war, he risked his life for me. He made so sacrifices, for me. It's not as if it felt good, he was half dead. But god, I was anticipating the moment we got back home and I could claim Katsuki Bakugou had saved my life multiple times because he cared for me. And yet, as it went on and the end seemed farther and farther away, I doubted that moment more and more.
He died. He died and I could've stopped it, if I had stopped anticipating the end. If I had focused on saving him, maybe I could've gotten him back home to you. But I didn't and rage bubbled up at that revalation.
Because, in the time he was alive, none of it was spent telling me he loved me. He spent the few months leading up to his death telling you he loved you. And when I had woken up, crushed with the weight of his death, I could do nothing but be angry.
So, I got out of bed, ignoring everything the doctors and my mother were saying, my face a mixture of defeat and deep rage. I pushed the door open, ripped out the IV cords and pushed down my friends that tried to stop me. I marched right over to you, sitting in the waiting room in your hero suit that was starting to stick to your body from how long you had been wearing it. You looked heartbroken, and it only fueled my anger.
Before I could proccess anything, even the expression of relief on your face, my fist landed a punch to your bruised face.
"It's not fair!" I shouted, grabbing your shoulders and making you look at me. Your expression filled with pain, worry and tears. Tears came rolling down my face as I looked at you, tried to see what he saw. Tried to see what about you made him love you.
"Why did he love you!" I screamed, my voice cracking and my brain drowning out all other noise. But there was no other noise to block out, even the nurses at reception had gone quiet.
I pulled you closer, shaking you like you were a toy with a broken voice box, "why did it have to be you."
You didn't even look angry, and I hate you for it. I hate you for not hating me. I hate you for not pushing me away, I hate you for hugging me like you understood what I was feeling. I hate you Kirishima.
You didn't say anything, you just squeezed me tight like I'd slip away if you didn't. I'd never sobbed harder in my life than I did in your arms. Not a single one of those empty nights crying into my pillow matched up to the screaming cries I let out in the middle of the hospital.
Through my cries I mumbled nonsnese, some of the words louder than others because my emotion was too raw, like a fresh rug burn.
"He loved you! He's gone!"
None of it made sense, but it's like you understood every ounce of emotion pouring out of me. You squeezed me so tight my knees buckled and I fell to the floor, wrapping my arms around you because my body felt so rigid.
Then when my sobs quieted to silent cries, I whispered, in a tone only you'd hear, "why couldn't it have been me?"
Your hand brushed my matted hair and you said back, in a cracked and wavering voice, "I don't know Midoriya, I don't know."
And I hate that you don't know.
