"Lahat ng pangarap ko'y bigla lang natunaw... sa panaginip na lang pala kita maisasayaw"
*** Ten years later..
It's a different kind of hot and humid today. With the April heat peaking its wave, I have no business to be staying outside, yet here I am wandering around the streets of what I once promised myself I will never set my foot upon.
Not much has changed, I noticed. Everything is pretty much the same.. except that they're not.
What brought me here? I don't know! I was just having lunch an hour ago with a friend of mine who lives in Dasma, but here I am now.. in front of San Antonio. And just outside this beautiful Parish, is the house that I once called home.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
It's been a while since the last time I went inside the church to pray. Most of my prayers now, I'm doing when I am alone. On the solitary part of my day, when I am once again consumed by my thoughts from the past.
It was hell. Those three years I've spent in the mountain? They're nightmares that wouldn't let go of me, even when I am awake. Even when I am far from sleeping.. even when I am busy doing something.
Even when I tried to end my life, they still kept me from having that liberty. Even when I just wanted to forget, it still crept into my skin like it's part of me already.
Just like him. Just like Greggy.
I know he kept his promise. I know! He did, he really did! It's almost always a feast whenever they will get the money they've extorted from him!
It's disgusting and it angered me to think that the food that I was about to eat that day, was from the man I am longing to be with.
But I was also aware, that for as long as they've held me captive, money will flow freely! There's no way in hell that they're going to release me. Not when Greggy is still giving them what they want.
Things took a different turn when one of them flipped over the unfair division of what they recently extorted. As his form of retaliation, he sent out a message that I was dead.
Clearly, I'm not.
But that's my cue. If I were to stay, they will kill me anyway. And so I tried to escape. It wasn't just me, there were four of us who tried. I don't know what happened to them, but when one of us tried to bargain once again of either we go back or we continue to run, I chose what I thought will lead me back to Greggy.
I run.
But she needed something, any form to give them back as her payment for trying to escape. None of us had any money.
With a heavy heart, I gave her my wedding ring.
And the next thing I know, they shot her in the head before they burned her body.
Now they have something to sell for, again.
A dead body. My dead body.
I walked barefoot for weeks. I have no food, no clean water. I have nothing but the spirit inside me to go back home to Greggy.
It was almost twelve weeks of trying to get out of the mountain when I reached the highway. I was run over by this vehicle that ended up being my saving grace.
They brought me to the hospital. They took care of me. I was so dehydrated that my organs started shutting down. I was on the verge of having to lose my kidney! I don't know for how long was I in the ICU after I underwent into coma but it was Greggy that I tried to go to as soon as I was out of the hospital.
The doctors said that it was indeed a blessing in disguise, that my body went into full shock leading me to my comatose state that it allowed itself to fully heal from the tremendous amount of pain, malnutrition and dehydration.
But I am certain that it was everything but a blessing to me. Because when I wake up, when I tried to go back to Greggy, it was all too late.
He's married. He married Charo.
The way I see it, my life is a cascade of missed opportunities and chances, yet every now and then, the heaven would smile down at me to give me something that's to last my lifetime.
Who would have thought that the innocent and clueless and naive eighteen year old me would end up marrying Greggy Araneta, right?
It was brief, but that's more than what I deserved.
Greggy has shown me that love is more than just fleeting emotions. Love is a choice, a commitment. Love is knowing that you may never say hello to each other again but you will still try with every fiber of your being to not say goodbye.
Love is reaching for what you promised to each other you will be even if you know that they may never know that you've made it.
And I made it, Mahal. I made it. I've graduated college with the help of those people who found me on the highway. I'm taking my masters now, Greggy.
I know you will be so proud. I'm proud of you too. So damn proud.
You have no idea how many times I've tried to reach out to him. I wanted to!
Hanggang ngayon, gusto ko. Gustong gusto ko. But I owe Greggy his peace. It's not just him and me anymore.
As I continue to watch his life from afar, I have this sense of pride after I learned that he's going to be a father. He was wonderful with Bailey and Jammy, how much more to his own little Greggy.
He has saved my life in more ways than one. Allowing him to keep his peace is a small price I have to pay for the life that I am now living that he fought so hard for. Even if it means, that I have to say a million times goodbye.
And as I am about to leave, there's this familiar figure walking towards the aisle. Beside him is this cute little boy that looks exactly like him.
I have dream about this moment a thousand times in my head. How would I feel about it? How would I react? But it's nothing as compared to seeing him in the flesh again after a decade.
He looks exactly as how I remember him. I know that I have a whole life now without him in it, but it's a life that I've created around the memories of him, of us.
Mahal..
He seems happy, relaxed and healthy. Sapat na sa akin ang lahat ng iyan.
Hindi ko kailangan na lumapit pa. Hindi ko kailangan na kausapin ka. Hindi ko kailangan na malaman mo na nandito lang ako.
Kasi Mahal, hindi naman ako nawala. At paulit ulit kitang mamahalin, kahit sa malayo. Paulit ulit kong naririnig pa rin ang boses mo, kahit hindi na ako ang nasa tabi mo. Paulit ulit kang laman ng bawat dasal ko.
I hurriedly went out to catch some fresh air. It was hard to breathe inside.
But then, the scorching heat from a while ago now turns to mist. I don't have an umbrella, I need to get going at baka umulan.
I walk to the right side of the Parish when someone comes running.
'Baby!'
Greggy.
'Baby!'
Mahal..
'Baby! Wait for Daddy! Stop running!'
He moves past me as he runs after his son. I look at them one last time before I make my way out of the premises. Before he sees me.
Truly, it was force majeure that sealed our fate. But not even an act of God can ever stop me from loving him.
Pwedeng malayo, pwedeng malabo. Pero palagi lang nandito.
Mahal kita, Greggy. If not in this lifetime, then maybe in the next. But until then, ikaw lang, Mahal.
