If This Was A Movie

Chapter 8 - Crazy Stupid Love

Just as when she felt like she was getting back on track with her life, Jamee had to start from scratch again. Maybe it was her fault that she had always built her plans around the people around her instead of just her. She had lost so many people in her life but the one person she knew she could never lose was Carmela. Everything fell apart so fast and next thing she knew, she's getting on a bus to go back to her hometown.

Home never felt like home ever since her mother passed away. It felt more like a job. Taking care of everyone who she never felt any connection with. Nobody really understood how much she wanted to go away from that small town. Nobody understood how judged she felt for wanting more. To them, in order to be happy, you should be content with what you have. As if having an ambition was such a terrible thing. Maybe it's that regionalistic character that these townsmen had, the constant need to reject modernity and progress. She wasn't allowed to dream, except when she was with her mother.

Her mother grew up in the city, in a small village in Makati, back when it wasn't surrounded by tall, corporate buildings. Her mom's side of the family wasn't well off, so her mom had to get a scholarship or else her grandparents wouldn't have been able to put their daughter through any decent university. Her mom would always tell Jamee random stories about her college life, as they would lay on the balcony, staring up at the starry sky.

"Sinagot mo talaga yung professor mo, ma?"

"Oo. Eh tama naman ako eh. Bakit ako matatakot sa kanya?!"

A starry-eyed Jamee would giggle in awe of her mom. She knew she wanted to be just like her one day: strong, intelligent, and fiercely fights for what she knows is right.

Her mom was in her senior year when she met Jamee's father. He was a smart, charming college student from the same university. Smitten by his father's wit and sometimes corny jokes, her mom fell head over heels for him. It was unusual for her, but their love felt like an escape from the awful reality they were in. Like a gust of wind whenever her mother felt weary from having to juggle her responsibilities at home, trying to pass her classes, and make sure she's not fired from her job. That love eventually turned into something they weren't ready for--a pregnancy. It felt as if the world had decided to play a practical joke on her mother.

I've been working my entire life, was it so wrong for me to be happy just for a little while? Why does my happiness have to be punished? Those were the thoughts her mother had, sure. But when Jamee came into her life, she realized that it was just the beginning of her happiness. She never thought she could love anything the way she loved her children. She could watch her college friends live their lives independently, working in some of the best companies in the Philippines and abroad, but she could never trade what could have been for what it is now.

"'Di ka ba nagsisisi na nakilala mo si papa? Mas maganda siguro buhay mo ngayon kung hindi naging kayo." Jamee would later on ask, but not without any fear that her mother would confirm the guilt she had been feeling. "Hindi magandang buhay yun kung wala kayo," as her mother assures her that she is completely happy with the life she has now, "Pero ikaw, gusto ko matupad mo lahat ng pangarap mo. Wala kang hindi kayang gawin, anak. Tandaan mo 'yan. San ka man dalhin ng mundo, desisyon mo kung paano mo patatakbuhin ang buhay mo."

Her mother's words would echo in her head every time she found herself in the same place once again--back home, the last place she would want to be on earth. It was like an alarm clock, letting her know that it's time for her to get up and carry on with life. Except this time she felt like she had been emptied out spiritless. Her tears start streaming down for the tenth time today as she washed the dishes.

She doesn't even know what she misses more: the busy city life, playing house with her best friend pretending they knew what they were doing, the excitement of starting a new job as a barista, or Seokjin... and the way he smelled... the way his dimples would appear everytime he smiled... his corny jokes... his face every time he rolled down his car's window for her. She tries to wipe her tears gets soap on her eyes instead.

"TANGINA MO NAMAN UNIVERSE" "KALMAHAN MO LANG NAGEEMOTE AKO EH."

She's not making a sound but she swears she's screaming at the universe in her head as she quickly rinsed her face. Her aggressive mental conversation with the universe is cut off by the familiar sound of a car pulling up outside her house. She's scared she's imagining things now because it sounds exactly like Seokjin's car.
She hears a couple of people get off the car and she swears she's heard those voices before. "Nababaliw na ata ako." Jamee again comments on herself.