What's a girl to do

Chapter 9: Love hurts

I know that things between Ezra and me might be weird now especially knowing what I know and the way he treats me is so special and how could I have messed that up, by being stupid I kissed the one boy who I knew would mess everything up for me not only will I lose Ezra but then I would have to explain why I did that , but I don't know why I was highly in the moment and it's something about him that particular night I couldn't resist , his stare had me so deep I was stuttering but I know I probably needed that moment with him everything in my life was so much better before I met either of them" now all I feel is regret and guilt every time I see them it's  not even worth all the trouble maybe phoebe was right , maybe I did need to stop this with both of them , but the thing is how can I do that when I'm already so far deep in it's not even funny how stupid I feel knowing I actually sound and starting to act like Jace , Jace was the worst person to me and yet I feel like our connection is closer and that I will always feel something for him , no matter how hard I try to resist or run away from it " he's always there in my mind it's like he has my whole heart stuck in one place , but that's not what I want to think about

I want to love Ezra the way I love Jace but I can't it's impossible to love someone when you're mind always been on that one person, I can do so much better then this I feel like I'm having a brain freeze this is too much thinking" it shouldn't be this hard to make a decision when I have Ezra right in front of me how can I be so blind and stupid , it's nine o'clock and I'm at school new day new week , no stress i just finished my journal writing for today I'm so confused school never been this quiet , I was walking to my locker , when I saw my best friend phoebe standing there talking to Ezra I wonder what she was saying , I walked up towards them In a confused way " hi guys what's going on they just stared at me in a upset way as if they know what I did , then all of a sudden I get a text from Jace saying " who's Ezra's and why are you seeing him. my heart dropped to my feet , then Ezra looked at me like I took his heart and crushed it he knew I kissed Jace and phoebe told him I just know it , I couldn't even respond to him because it was true but he wasn't supposed to find out this way I was so mad , I walked away with anger how could she do that " how could she ruin my chance with Ezra " I *slided* down the wall in tears " he will never forgive me now " I was so stupid to kiss Jace it was the worst mistake for me and that I got to face the consequences " I didn't speak to anyone the entire class period I just kept waiting for Ezra too come and say something to me 10 mins go by and he's ignoring me I sadly walked to my car to go home " how did I not see this coming I knew this whole thing was a bad idea I was so down I didn't even turn on the radio I just felt like crying so hard I lost the one guy who didn't see me as an object, he saw me as a person as a star he said that his self when I remembered every moment we had there was not a single time I wasn't happy now it's all gone because of one mistake

I'm now home but I couldn't even speak to anybody else because of how upset and angry I was at phoebe for ruining my chance with Ezra even though I did wrong , I will admit that I still could of fixed it i know that wasn't the smartest idea or decision but it felt right at the moment " and she had no right to jump in , maybe if he didn't ask for a pencil or even smiled at me , or if i wouldn't went on date with him I wouldn't be so in love , he had my heart ringing because I knew I was missing out on something I needed , he was the perfect guy and , perfect guys are the ones I push away I don't know why I do that maybe because I'm afraid of hurting them or me getting hurt but I couldn't lose him I knew he would find out eventually but it was too soon and I didn't have enough time to explain, now Jace is asking me who's Ezra and I can't tell him , right after I kissed him I met up with Ezra for another date and I can't believe I'm in this situation. My heart feels torn between two guys, Jace and Ezra I knew this was a mistake . I should have been honest from the start, but now I'm caught in a web of lies and deceit will he ever forgive me now I don't know

I knew what I got myself into but It was wrong for me to do this especially to Ezra he was a sweet guy who gave me a chance and I blew it because I kissed Jace I fell in love with him and now everything is wrong and coming together My thoughts raced as I pondered how to rectify this messy situation Jace wants to know who Ezra is but I feel like if I tell him , he's going to be mad and hate me In that moment, I realized that honesty was the only way to salvage what remained of my relationships so I had to tell him the truth—even if that meant potentially losing both Ezra and Jace
at least I know I did the right thing by choosing honesty as my guiding principle because only I knew what was going on inside my heart and mind. It was scary, but I couldn't keep living in this web of lies and secrets so I called Jace and asked if we could meet in person to have a serious conversation . His voice trembled as he agreed, sensing the urgency in my tone , i waited 5 minutes for him to arrive at the coffee shop I broke down and told him the truth about my feelings for both him and Ezra , and just as I suspected he was mad at first. He couldn't believe I had kept such a big secret from him and he suggested that we didn't talk anymore . In that moment, I could feel the weight of my actions crashing down on me, regret flooding my every thought not only did I lose Jace but I might lose Ezra too Tears welled up in my eyes as I grasped the gravity of the situation.