The Spirit Walker (BOOK ONE): The Ripple

Chapter Thirty: Just Rae

I find Elder Diyani in the greenhouse, kneeling on the ground, snipping herbs.

"I thought the Anisahoni were the medicine makers," I say, and Elder Diyani tuts as she glances up from her work toward me.

"We are. They only make medicine for the children. How you still do not understand this after more than a month of my instruction..." she trails off with a sigh.

"Elder... in the cave... what happened?"

Elder Diyani tilts her head to the side, and snips off three more leaves from a bush I do not recognize before pushing herself to her feet and moving toward another- a small shrub with silvery needles.

"That is a question that only you can answer."

"No- I mean- I almost drowned. I could have gotten hypothermia. How did that happen?"

Elder Diyani purses her lips. "You walked into the water."

"And you didn't stop me? I was high."

Elder Diyani frowns, and glances over her shoulder to me. "Your feet were solidly planted to the earth."

I rub my temples, and curse the fact that while we now speak the same tongues, there is so much of the language of our Ripples that do not translate. "No. I mean- I was hallucinating."

"You were seeing that which the spirits wanted you to see."

"And the Spirits wanted me to wade into freezing water?"

"It would appear so."

I close my eyes and sigh. Religion here seems to be about the same as religion everywhere. Blind faith in the face of logic and reason.

Elder Diyani ties the little leather pouch she holds, drops it into the beaded bag at her waist, and brushes her hands off. "Our Righ is upset. He is a man, and therefore he will never understand our ways. There is nothing to be done for it. You do not understand because you do not yet know the ways of our people. You will learn, and you will come to appreciate that the Spirits do not always work as we expect them to."

She crosses to me, and gently squeezes my shoulders. "Now. Tell me. What did you see?"

And just like that, the fact that I could have died in some ritual under her watch is brushed under the table, expected never to be discussed again. I bite my tongue, but let the subject drop.

"Ceallach."

Elder Diyani nods, as though this was the answer that she was expecting.

"We were... together, under the water. We were connected by... I'm not sure, exactly, but it seemed like an umbilical cord? We just... we held hands and floated together. I could hear the earth's heartbeat."

Elder Diyani hums, and then nods sagely.

"You have the gift of visions, to be sure. Perhaps, you may even have the gift of communing with Spirits."

I blink. "Like with a ouija board?"

Elder Diyani just stares at me blankly.

"Okay, no Ouija boards in this Ripple," I mutter under my breath.

"To commune with the Spirits, no board or other physical object is required- If that answers your question. Although- it would be rare for you to have been blessed with both gifts. It is not unheard of, but it is not common."

"Will Elder Chenoa be able to tell?"

Elder Diyani dips her head. "Her gift is Interpretation."

"What is yours?" I ask, and the way that Elder Diyani's shoulders stiffen is subtle but noticeable.

"I do not have the magic that flows through your veins, or that of Elder Chenoa's. However, I am skilled at gathering and preparing herbs, and I am a historian of our Clan."

Her chin is lifted and the words are spoken with pride, but the undercurrents of self-consciousness and defensiveness are unmistakable. So much of Dhaoine-Tir has seemed so egalitarian, but now I can't help but to wonder if I was only seeing the country at its surface.

I want to ask if the women without "gifts" are held in lower esteem, or treated as lesser within the Kituwah clans, but bite back the question. I will find someone else to ask.

"So- will I have to go through another ritual with Elder Chenoa?"

Elder Diyani relaxes- the movement so subtle I might have missed it- and she nods her head in agreement. My disappointment must show on my face because she tuts her disapproval.

"I've passed out both times I've had to do one. I hate them."

"You sound like an ungrateful child."

I sigh and shake my head. "Calum won't be happy about it either," I grumble, and Elder Diyani plants her hands on her hips and levels a stern glare at me that causes me to shrink into my skin.

"You are a clanswoman blessed beyond measure with at least one gift that many women dream of. Our Righ is fortunate enough to be mated to such a woman. If either of you deserve your positions, you will adapt, and you will learn to be happy about it."

I sigh, but bite my tongue.

"Yes, Elder," I murmur with my head lowered, the picture of submission. Elder Diyani scoffs.

"You have more of Ceallach in you than you realize."

I blink, confused, and lift my head. Elder Diyani must see the question in my eyes because she explains without prompting.

"When you first arrived, you were meek, mild, skittish. In many ways, you still are. To be frank, I was initially concerned about the sort of Bhanrigh you would make, spineless as you seemed."

I gape, and Elder Diyani lightly pats my cheek. "It would appear that was the trauma of your situation masking your true nature. You do not have Ceallach's charisma, or her arrogance, or her bravery, but you do have her fire- her stubbornness, her sense of justice."

"That... doesn't sound like a compliment."

"It is neither compliment nor insult," Elder Diyani replies with a shrug. "Merely an observation."

I frown, Elder Diyani's words rattling around in my skull, joining the other comparisons of Ceallach and I where I always seem to come up lacking. She was magnetic. She was like the sun. I do not have her charm. I am not as brave...

Elder Diyani cups my cheeks, as though she can see my internal struggle, and offers a gentle smile.  "That shared fire means you have it within yourself to be an excellent Bhanrigh, in your own way."

In my own way.

Why does it feel like it will be in a lesser way?

"Now, come. Let us visit with the Ladies of Clan Maclean. Networking is necessary for the Bhanrigh, and you do not have much longer in these lands."

I follow Elder Diyani back into the castle, mutely, unable to shake my feelings of inadequacy.

Will I never step out of Ceallach's shadow? Will I live here, obscured by her overwhelming radiance, for the rest of my days? Only ever considered to be 'good enough,' a pale imitation of the queen of legend?

Will I ever come into my own, and be recognized for who I am- not whose skin I walk in?

Will I ever be able to be just...

Rae?