UGLY DUCKLING; S.MENDES

..a start..

I stood right where I was with my books tightly grasped in my arms. I had no real idea what was going on or even what I was feeling. I guess you could say something snapped in me. I know everyone says that, but when it truly happens- you know. Something just doesn't sit right and your whole life meaning starts to crumble and you start questioning everything, I mean literally everything.

Even ice cream favors. I'd think to myself....what if I'll regret getting this flavor because it'll be too sweet? It sounds ridiculous but it's the truth. Rejection makes everything harder and some people will never know because they'll never be rejected. Those are the lucky ones. The ones who can live without regret.

I live with regret now. It's opened my eyes and made me realize how stupid I was acting. I'm not pretty, therefore I don't deserve a handsome boyfriend. Therefore I don't deserve Shawn and he sure as hell doesn't deserve me. In fact I could care less if he gets his heart broken by some other girl...because he deserves it, because he's one of those shitty people who live without regret.

Now I will admit I'm disappointed that I won't be able to look at him the same way again, and he won't be able to look at me the same way again. But hey, it was bound to happen sometime so why not now?

I shoved my books in my locker and slammed the door, catching a glance at a picture. It had a boy with soft brown hair and deep chocolate eyes, he had an ice cream cone with sprinkles in his hand. There was a girl next to him, she had dark brown hair that almost looked as dark as the night sky, she also had dark brown eyes that looked full of galaxies, she also had an ice cream cone in her hand, but hers was melting. That girl was me and the boy was Shawn; and our relationship was like our ice cream cones. To him it was perfect and nothing changed, just add a little awkwardness which were the sprinkles. To me it was slowly disappearing and soon it would be gone, just like seconds after the photo was taken, my ice cream fell to the hot sidewalk and melted all away.

I bit my lip remembering what he said "I mean look at me and look at you- we're not made for each other," I held back tears as I walked down the empty hallway. I now know what everything meant. In all my anger, disappointment, and regret- I realized how sad I could become. I'm not one to cry, in fact I usually become incredibly pissed. But I guess this signifies how much he truly meant to me, he's worth my tears. And that's how you know you truly love someone, you cry.

I swept the hair out of my face and carefully went down the steps. I also realized how beautiful crying can be, it blurred everything I saw and revealed their true colors. It also revealed the truth about Shawn and I. I never had a chance, he was right about what he said. How many girls does he have adoring him? Every single girl in school has an undeniable crush on him. Of course they all teased me about how much I liked him, I made it too obvious. But the teasing wasn't stupid, joking around stuff. It was recognition of how stupid my crush on him was. I never had a chance with him. I mean look at me, I'm a below average beauty. My hair is too dark and plain, my eyes are flat, I'm not skinny, I don't have big boobs, my butt is big but only because my thighs are fat, my face has no imperfections but it's not pretty and rather plain. The only things I have are a nice style and a cool personality. But the only thing people see is my clothing choice, they don't see my personality so therefore I am NOT beautiful. The only reason Shawn likes me is because I'm a good friend. If I wasn't, I would be just "another girl" to him. I guess it also helps I've know him for a long time and I've been with him through thick and thin, even before he became famous.

I didn't want to be there for him if he was just going to throw me away like trash. But I figure I only have to deal with being trash for another month then school's out and I can find myself a new guy best friend, someone new to love. I have a new start this summer and I'm going to make it worth it. This will be the summer that will change everything and I really mean it. No more school, no more Shawn, no more being trash.