UGLY DUCKLING; S.MENDES

..absent explanations..

Officially done.
Was all that I texted Cher when I got home. I didn't bother explaining anything else, nothing about how I was standing there sobbing as he turned away from me and left. About how he had just left me there, without any reply or any sign of regret. The least he could've done was pretend to be regretful or upset, I would've been okay with that.

I started blasting the songs on my playlist as I did a mixture of screaming/singing/dancing/crying/laughing. It felt good to not care about how he was feeling, or about how pissed my mom was right now since my music was so loud, or about how strange it's gonna feel to be by him, or how I was going to get my final done, or how everyone would react when they found out I was officially done with Shawn, or how I honestly felt about everything that was going on, it felt absolutely wonderful to just forget and not care for even the smallest moment. Because that small moment saved me several days of worrying and made me the happiest I'd been in a while, even before things got bad.

I ended up falling in exhaustion and sprawling myself across my plush carpet that covered my floor. I laid my head by my phone and shut my eyes calmly. I was at peace. I was actually okay with saying goodbye to Shawn and I was okay with him being pissed at me. I was okay with all of it and I didn't mind the emotional roller coaster I had been through. I was at the last loop and I could even see the ending, but I was unaware that there would be technical difficulties.
---
I woke up to my phone buzzing right in my ear. I sat straight up and read the caller ID "Shhhawn." I stared at my phone slightly amused. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, it was all so interesting: current time 2:40 exactly, last time I conversed with Shawn I was sobbing, he was pissed, he left, I was still sobbing, now I'm done, but clearly he's not.

I finally answered it and put the phone up to my ear, all I did was listen.

"Why do you respect my choice?" A confused yet clearly upset voice asked.

"Because you believe it was the best choice, and I wanted the best for you." I replied in a monotone voice.

"Well, I don't respect my choice and I think I made the worst decision ever. I live with regret now. Don't talk to me, I won't talk to you." Is all he said before I heard those dreadful beeping sounds, meaning the call had been ended.

I continued sitting up as I bit my lip and contemplated his words and tone. It sounded like he had been crying, but maybe his voice was shaking from anger again. I was back to the start or rather stuck on the loop right before the roller coaster was supposed to end. All I can do now is hope that somehow I'll get off, but right now I must become comfortable with the circumstances.

The circumstances being, Shawn has a part I need to fix myself- his explanation, but he's dangling it just far enough for my fingertips to graze it but not grasp it. He's making me suffer like he's been suffering. I was just unaware of what he lost. I lost my lover and he lost his best friend.

We both lost each other and we both don't want to be found. I think we're both okay with that, if he wasn't okay with it he wouldn't have agreed not to to talk. And I wouldn't have suggested it.

I smiled knowing that not only had I found peace, but soon, once Shawn dries his tears and washes his face- he'll have found peace too, or at least, acceptance.