Heartless

Chapter 8

Eda woke up early in the morning before Serkan and Kiraz. She used this occasion that they were still asleep to enjoy the moment of the closeness of the three of them together as it never happened before.

Serkan was embracing her and Kiraz as they both were snuggled to his chest. Eda kept her eyes closed, pressing her nose to Serkan's t-shirt to inhale his scent mixed with Kiraz's and it smelt heavenly. Two most important persons in her life, sleeping soundly next to her. That was how it was always supposed to be between them, Eda thought sadly. Unfortunately, their family was built on her lies, and now all of them were paying the price for it.

Eda started to contemplate the past couple of weeks she had spent here, back in their home with Serkan. She couldn't get through to him, even if she tried, and all she did during their shared care over Kiraz was pushing him away, no matter how good her intentions were. The effect was still the same.

He was distant to her. Glimpses of his affection were still there, in his long gazes when she caught him staring at her while he thought she wasn't looking, in his gentle, instinctive touches when they bumped into each other by accident, or now when he was asleep. Eda knew about his feelings toward her. He made them known pretty clearly to her, but she also knew that his heart was broken, and now, he was shielding himself from her so as not to get hurt more.

She seriously started to get scared that the friendship was all that he ever would want to offer to her, and even if objectively speaking, it wasn't the worst thing that could happen, for Eda, it was almost like an end of the world because she wanted all of him as she once had. Being friends would be slow, painful torture, having all that she dreamed of just next to her, but couldn't reach it, being stuck in a limbo.

Eda started to worry if the limbo and the slow breaking of their bond hadn't started already. They'd never had so many disagreements before as during the last weeks. When they were a freshly married couple, it sometimes happened that they were arguing about some unimportant things, but they never hurt or offended each other, and all of their silly disagreements ended before going to bed.

Eda was afraid that they had grown apart during the last two years and weren't on the same page anymore as they used to do so effortlessly. She needed to do something soon, or she was risking losing Serkan entirely. The problem was she had no idea how to win him back. He didn't want to talk and knew about her, her past job, and her mission enough not to want to come back to this topic ever again. He even had a vague knowledge about why she started working for the police, as he once alluded, shouting at her when she signed the divorce papers, but he didn't know the whole truth. 

However, given her later deeds, it wouldn't change a lot between them because there was one thing Eda couldn't change in his view on her past and motivations. Nothing could change the fact that she lied to him and used him as a tool to get to his family. She could blame her boss, work colleagues, and distant family for a lot of things, but she couldn't blame anybody for what she voluntarily did during her mission. It all was her. There were a lot of grey zones she could hide in regarding her past life, but there was one fact that was black and white. She didn't have to marry Serkan for a mission. She did that because she wanted to have him for her own as if he was an object she could play with and dispose later for her convenience, and he knew that too well.

Was he able to forgive her for such humiliation and betrayal? Even if he still loved her? Eda didn't know if she would, if the roles were reversed.

Serkan sighed through sleep, and Eda immediately stilled, keeping her eyes closed and pretending to be asleep. He shifted slightly to his side, and his face moved closer to Eda's head as he rested his cheek on her forehead, but in the process, Kiraz slid from his chest and got sandwiched between the two of them. Eda felt her moving as she wrapped her hand around a strand of Eda's hair and tugged it.