NOMZAMO

Chapter 16

Nomzamo's Pov

I know that some of you all think that I must be happy and content with everything that is happening but where do I start with all of this.I was told that both my parents are still alive now what should I forget everything and hug them.I don't think so a part of me is happy that both my parents are alive thing is how do you start  calling someone mom at the age of 21.It does not make any sense does it?The woman who is my mother has been knocking on the door meaning a part of her doesn't want to accept that I don't want her near me.I would forgive them because that is what my mind tells me to do but my heart won't allow me to do.Everything is so overwhelming not so long ago I was locked up like a prisoner or even a slave in the dungeon. I had already given up thinking I'd die but Charlene saved me.The Lord's timing is always perfect believe you me.It is going to be hard to bring myself to forgive them and if anyone was in my situation they would have done the same.The journey of healing is never easy to me it's like climbing up a mountain there are some hurdles that one might face it gets so hard that one may just cry and break down in tears.This journey is so discouraging the today you have a mother and tomorrow you don't.You know some say it's easy to heal but nobody knows the sleepless nights crying your balls out or even during the day.The barrier that you create yourself to protect your own peace seems necessary at that time it's jot so rosy and nice to tell yourself by saying okay I want to heal now.The times you end up venting it's like pouring water from a bottle inside a cup you fill the cup but you remain empty. I have heard this narrative that people have adopted that it's okay to cry it'sa part of healing.Currently I am bleeding inside but we all know that the blood that is seen by people is only the tears.I mean I have no life at all ,never matriculant ,an orphan, sad or even broken.The scars might heal but the pain remains and memories that keep on playing like a song.You try to escape but your past catches up with you.I am now realizing that the journey to heal is to first introspect yourself then forgive yourself so that you are able to forgive the other person.I was so motivated before the day my mom died you know I had hopes of me trying to get back to school but you know how life is it has no manual at all in the end I figured that you create it yourself. Your healing journey depends on your type if manual of life.

"Nomzamo please open up baby,we need to talk so that we come up with a solution.You cannot stay locked up in that room forever your father needs to see how grown you are"(tries opening her door)

"I don't want to talk about anything what is the use of talking when you are well aware that nothing won't ever change the situation that you all abandoned me and I was raised by my mom or I'll say my aunt. I just don't get it that how does one say they love you then do this.How do you think I survived all of these years.Did you thinl that I would wake up healed from everything.My peers laughed at me because of my home situation that I lived in a one roomed house that is the size of a bedroom imagine I had to live with the fear of saying at home this at home that how did that make me feel?I felt scared and vulnerable.To me it was very normal to live in a one roomed house it never mattered till every one made it a issue.The bullying do you how hard it was to go to school every day to be a bearer of insults.They say that go to school to broaden your knowledge but to me I was knowledgeable to bullying.To my mom it was the toughest decision ever to make as whether I let these insults define me or overcome them do you know what I did I had to let the define me because it felt normal to me.Pain became a part of my life.I cannot change that it's just how life is pain is pain you either drink meds or just deal with the pain so I just let it control my mind and body it became my coping mechanism.Where were you?Enjoying your life forgetting that you have a daughter then you think that I would just open my arms and run to you?I am not trying to be disrespectful but please let me process everything.I will come to you when I have tried to control my emotions I feel like I am guided by them"(sobs)

"It was not easy baby but I had to make a decision would you rather have died or survived and be the person that you are today.I know you are in pain so we need to get you the help that you need.A shrink maybe?I will give you time to process everything since everything is just too much to handle.Do come for food or I'll bring it for you and leave it at your doorstep.I love you"