ShiVi Stories

Zaroori hai Zindagi ke liye

Kasar chodi hi kahan tune
Mujhe apna banane mein,
Meri saari zindagi beeti,
Bas tujhse roothne mein tujhe manane mein,
Yun to zindagi mein meri,
Ek dunya samayi hai,
Par kyun ye dunya meri,
Maine tujh ko banayi hai...

Pain...
That was the only thing his brain could register right now. Pain to the extent of nothingness. Shiva could feel his back literally being pressed to the ground. It felt like the weight of the whole world had fallen on his back and yet he couldn't let it defeat him because underneath him lay his Chipkali, his chudail, his Maami ki behen ki beti and right now she was as still as the death personified.
His first instinct like it had always been when she was involved, was to shield her from the onslaught of the rain of stones. His second had been to make sure she wasn't pressed down by his weight. And even though he had succeeded to keep the majority of the weight off her, she was still breathless and falling unconscious under him. And for the umpteenth time in his life, but for the first time so gravely, he felt it...
Helplessness...
To his utter horror, he was watching his nightmare come alive. She was slipping away right in his presence. His fiery wife had her eyes closed and lips parted. If the situation would have been something else, the expression on her face would have impassioned him, but the situation was critical and he doubted that she was already seeing her parents and her after life. He felt his heart go into an overdrive as the wisps of death began to curl around her willowy frame. The destruction around him began to seep within him at the sight of her silence.
"Aye... Chipkali... Uth." He murmured softly. He hadn't ever been so soft with her. Not even in the most weakest of her moments. But today... watching her already halfway towards death, he couldn't raise his voice. Today his voice and mannerisms along with his heart was that of a person whose world laid in ruins. And the panic that had shrouded his senses didn't let him search for anything profound to bring her back. All he could reach was the song he had sung wrong amidst his family's protest. He began to sing it... Wrong again... But this time he wanted her to protest and she smiled as she did, collapsing soon after. His heart collapsed along with her. His eyes teared and his tears began to wet her face after they traversed through his, intimately connecting them through their grief. Raavi frowned but remained silent and unmoving otherwise. Shiva sighed as he placed her forehead on hers.
If the world ended today, he wished he could go before her. Because what was life if she was absent from it? She had been a monumental presence in his life. He didn't remember a time when she hadn't been there. His life had her memories so intimately woven in it that he sometimes fell in a dilemma if it was his life or hers. He sobbed as he watched her look so lifeless and dusty. Raavi never looked dusty, but right now amidst so much destruction she appeared to be the dirtiest she had ever been. Shiva chuckled thinking about how she would have behaved if she was so dusty normally, and then winced as the slight movement shot pain up his torso.
And as the time ticked by and he began losing hope of anyone ever finding them, Shiva began to trace her features with his eyes, partly to memorise them and partly because even watching her face was giving him peace and was reviving the much needed, hastily diminishing hope. She had to survive with him. She had to come back to him. His heart was asserting.
'Why?' His mind whispered. 'You have been treating her like shit. You have been hurting her like shit. She have gone through the trauma of rejection. The person she loved had rejected her on the altar. Her dream, seconds away from her grasp, had been snatched away like it was all a joke. She had then been cajoled to marry her beloved's younger brother, her childhood tormentor, the one who proclaimed his hatred for her like he breathe air, aka you, on the same altar as the one she loved and his girlfriend. She had been asked to stay in the same house and watch them make googly eyes at each other and move on. She hadn't even been given the luxury to mourn. She had been lectured, blamed without a reason, expected to adjust because she was familiar to you all and yet the love and affection she should have gotten due to familiarity had been missing. And your brother, who had led her to the door of death, escaped with no retaliation for such a grave crime. Is it fair to her? And yet when she stepped inside this marriage, expecting not love but at least a little understanding from you... what did you do? You bruised her with your words. You allowed her to think that you abandoned her instead of clearing her misunderstandings. Didn't she deserve that peace of mind? She spent weeks thinking that you don't want her alive. Didn't she deserve to know that you wouldn't abandon her in need? You pulled her in your punishments without any fault of hers. She had to watch and bear the shame of your punishment and then it's aftermath and yet when she tried to voice out that this was an insensible decision to separate you all, what did you do? Manhandle her! And you want her to live? For what? Have you given her a reason to survive? To fight? Have you give her a reason to persevere? No! Then for what reason should she return? Shiva Pandya... You and your family have ruined this woman. You have taken all her cheer and gifted her with tears and grief. And even after that what did she do? Love your family unconditionally. Tried her best to move on with whatever was handed to her. She defended you and stood up for you when your clothes were degraded. She helped your bhabhi in managing the kitchen and the house when Rishita lagged off. And yet after everything she was warned by your bhabhi to be on best behavior and not tell your mother the happenings of the haveli or she would be punished along with you, while you stood mum and watched as she was warned unfairly. And Rishita who was actually the source of disturbance in your lives due to her brattiness was let off easily. If Dhara Bhabhi's words of bearing the punishments equally due to being spouses held true then why wasn't Dev warned for Rishita's deeds? Why? Every single time why is Dev let off so easily? And yet you want her to return? To what? To her cage! Where you are clipping her wings so she fits in the mold your bhabhi has created? Shiva Pandya... you in all your love for your bhabhi have been the most unfair and unjust husband to your wife. You have failed. Have Gaumbi ever left Dhara bhabhi alone in her battles? And you who are inspired by them can't even support her when she needs you the most. Have Gaumbi ever let bhabhi suffer before Ma? Then how could you let Raavi suffer before bhabhi?'
And beneath the rubble as his senses started become disoriented, his world and it's axis had shifted. His existence which had been tilted towards his bhabhimaa righted itself and began to revolve around the person who he had vowed to protect and stand by during their wedding. His heart which had been the temple where his brother and sister in law resided became the scales where just and unjust could be balanced justly for anyone and everyone and a corner of that heart became the wilderness where the woman beneath him had taken her residence for eternity. Shiva sobbed as he felt himself letting go and placed his forehead over hers.
"Mera waada hai tujhse Raavi Pandya. Agar hum yahan se zinda nikle na to main tujhe wo saari khushiya dunga, woh saare haq dunga jiski tu haqdaar hai. Bas ek mauka de dena mujhe! Laut kar aa ja mere paas. Abhi to bahut zindagi baqi hai." He promised. And just as he let go, the help had arrived.
•••••
Zindagi ka sira,
Hai mushkil se mila,
Jane denge na ab is ka hum aasra...
Nazren hatthi nahin,
Dil samajhta nahin,
Laut aaye ho tum, ye hai sapna nahin...
Badli badli zameen,
Badla ye aasmaan,
Jane kaise aur kab, badla mera jahan...
Shiva watched as she was revived by Rishita, he watched as Rishita and Krish tried to lift her unsuccessfully off the ground. He watched and just as she was about to loose her balance, he supported her and held her waist, securing her strongly. He began to limp with her towards the exit and deposited her gently in the tractor in Anita's arms.
After a short ride on the tractor, he and his brothers along with Raavi and Rishita reached the haveli. And throughout this journey his eyes had remained on her form, refusing to move away even for a second. He was drinking her in and his parched soul was being wuenched with just watching her safe. Nothing else mattered now... Did it? In the most basic fight for survival, no one had been by his side but this woman, whose presence had pushed him to try harder. Her form crushed beneath his as she slipped away had been his inspiration to live. Was anything more intimate than that? In those ruins as everything around them was coming undone, his weakly forged bonds to her were being strengthened.
They arrived at the haveli and he had defended his bhabhi to save his family from being shattered. He had declared her decisions to be right but his heart and his brain didn't agree to it anymore. No. Shiva Pandya had grown up and accepted that Dhara Pandya was a human. She was his mother, his inspiration, a major part of his world but she was human and she could be wrong. He didn't love her any less with this knowledge. He would still stand by her in her decisions. But now he could differentiate between the right and wrong. He could see for himself and judge for himself. Had he still been a bachelor, he would have ignored the discovery of her humanness and followed her blindly and credit her for the movements of the earth too. But now, another soul, another person who was connected to him would be affected by his decisions and blind trust. So no... He wouldn't do it anymore. Where she was concerned, he would have to be strong and steady. He had to be the support she relied upon and she had to be the water that warded off his fire. They had to function... together. And someday they had to mold as one. He had accepted her as his own and he would stand by his decision forever. For his bhabhi he had without a word married a girl he had thought he hated. From now on, for this girl, he would move the world if he had to. Maybe not love, but a sense of belonging had taken roots and for him, what belonged to him needed to be appreciated, by himself and others. He would make sure of it.
He watched her throughout the day. His body adjusted it's stance according to her movements. He orbited around her and her winces and groans as she moved around pushed him into motion to make her feel better. As they took pictures, he watched her fondly. As she completed the pooja, he stood with her watching and being content in her smile. He just wanted to keep watching her twinkling eyes to make sure that she wasn't slipping away. He wanted to hear her voice to erase the silence that had haunted him in those ruins. He needed her.
He watched her as she cooked despite his objections and reluctance. He had walked over to her and helped her in whatever she had needed, ignoring the surprised looks of the three ladies. His brother had credited Bhabhi for their changed stances. The truth was that the time was a healer and the disaster a catalyst. They hadn't needed a partition of families, they had needed time to understand each other which had been denied to them as unrealistic expectations had been piled upon them. Years he had despised her. Would the years of despise wash away within days? The expectation of such had been very unrealistic. And to communicate with each other and to clear their hearts, the disaster had been a blessing in disguise. But he didn't object when Gaumbi uttered those words. Sometimes the truth didn't need vocalization, it needed realization. And he had already realised.
He watched her serve and winced as she winced. His eyes still refused to move away. They had been magnetized towards her since nearly losing her today. He was scared that if he looked away for longer, she would be snatched away by the claws of death, from where she had returned today. He would take no chances. He pulled her down as she came around to serve him, and as she watched him with wide doe like eyes, he silently piled her plate with food and signed her through his eyes to eat. She smiled slightly and filled both their plates with the curry. He just retorted so she would argue with him and restore their normalcy and his mother gave them some beautiful advices which he stored away. He assured her through his eyes regarding his food and began to eat, making sure that she was eating too. All the while he missed the eyes that were upon them both. They both had already returned to their mutually orbiting world.
•••••
Tujhse nazren hati hi thi ki achanak,
Mujhe khauf ki parchayi ne aa ghera...
Meri neendon mein bhi ab tujhe khone ka gumaan hota hai,
Ye batao ki koi Raanjha iss dar mein kaise sota hai?
Shiva woke up with a start as his nightmare came to a stop. He got up uneasily as his breaths became harsher and filled with an unknown fear. He tried to calm himself unsuccessfully before his eyes landed on her sleeping form and fixed themselves there. Her peaceful breaths as she slept, regulated his own haywire exhales. He chuckled with a sob and observed her with a satisfaction.
She was here. She was safe, right by his side where he could protect her. The last of his nightmare began to fade away as her face lighted up and chased away his fears. He had seen her in his dream, pleading to be saved as he unsuccessfully tried and with each second she had become more and more weaker and breath her last before his eyes right underneath him as he looked on helplessly. All that had remained of her had been the memory of her dimming eyes. He shuddered as he remembered her unseeing eyes as they finally lost the spark he had come to associate with her. Till her last second she had expected him to save her and he had failed.
He extended his hands and put a tress of her hair behind her ears and caressed her cheeks in the process, disturbing her into awakening. He laid down in haste and just as she questioned him if he was awake and got up wincing, he closed his eyes.
"Thank You Shiva." She murmured. "Aaj agar tu na hota to-" She had left the words unsaid but he had heard them clearly. She would have died. He shuddered, his nightmare flashing in his mind again. He swallowed thickly and when he was sure she had laid down, he had lifted himself off the bed with effort and observed her with a soft smile. She was acknowledging his efforts to keep her safe. He laid down again. Sure that this time he wouldn't be plagued by the nightmares again.
•••••
Disaster brings with it,
Connections...
Forged in the moments of,
Reflections.
It twist your hearts and turn your brains,
It changes you until only the truth remains...
It kisses your soul and forces you to see,
Which otherwise you thought could never be,
And at last as it departs,
It gifts your tired and achy hearts,
The will to move on and build amidst the ruins,
A palace of your dreams, free of illusions...
Raavi scribbled in her diary as she watched Shiva sleep. The occupants of the other rooms were peacefully sleeping in their partners arms or dreams of safety and happiness but she had slept fitfully after waking up in the middle of the night. Sleep had been bestowed upon her in installments and just as the dawn had touched the sky, she had woken up and gotten ready for the day. And now as she sat down to pen down her thoughts, she couldn't move her eyes off her husband, reminiscing yesterday's disaster.
Her whole body ached. Shiva had forcefully called a doctor yesterday who had thankfully arrived at the haveli with a small team that had treated them. Shiva had suffered many wounds on his back and his leg had been slightly hurt in the rubble but the sheet of the strong and sturdy wood that had hit them harshly at first had thankfully covered and shielded them from the heavy stones that had fallen upon them later. She had hurt her leg too and had many cuts and bruises but they both would recover along with the rest three with sufficient care.
Raavi smiled as she remembered yesterday. He had been so worried for her. First he had revealed to her about his intentions that had been misjudged by her. He had asserted to her that he did care and she mattered to him. He would never leave her alone in trouble. And then he had proceeded to prove his words. Her husband could bear her weight and the weight of their responsibility quite well without much of her effort. She started. Her husband? She watched him as she traced her mangalsutra slightly and tried to get used to those words and the thought.
He had been persistent in his efforts of protecting her and keeping her awake. He had been persistent to keep her conscious as he muttered to her about the lyrics of that song and she also remembered how his eyes had caressed her, how his hands had gently tried to wake her up. She remembered how his eyes had been so helpless and exhausted as she was slipping away. They were reflecting thousand things in a moment of time and she had been unable to read them all in her haze. But one thing was certain, something in his eyes had shifted and something in her soul had settled. She was no more a free kite blowing away. She had been anchored and yet left free to fly. She had been suffused with a new life and hope to start afresh. And just as she had almost lost it, she had heard him-
"Mera waada hai tujhse Raavi Pandya. Agar hum yahan se zinda nikle na to main tujhe wo saari khushiya dunga, woh saare haq dunga jiski tu haqdaar hai. Bas ek mauka de dena mujhe! Laut kar aa ja mere paas. Abhi to bahut zindagi baqi hai."
And at that moment, nothing else had mattered. She was home. Where she belonged. What was in the past didn't matter anymore but the future did. So when the claws of death had seemed to close upon her, she had fought ... for herself, for him and for them as a whole. Because they both deserved a chance to see where this would lead to.
Now all she had to do was to tell him.
•••••
He had caught her red handed as she thanked him through a message. And when he was about to get up and leave after declaring that he didn't want her thanks, she hastily held his wrist and pulled him back. He settled on the bed with a surprised huff. She watched him with a trepidation and gulped.
"Shiva Sun na..." She called out unsure. He rolled his eyes at her tone but raised his eyebrows in question. "Thank you." She told him and hugged him gently, fearfully. She thought he would push her away, but as her action sunk in his brain, he exhaled and pulled her closer surprising her delightfully. She was craving for human contact. She wanted warm hugs that made her feel safe and cherished  and she got just that. "Maine tujhe ghalat samjha. Teri insult ki. Tujhe bahut bura bhala kaha. Aur fir bhi jab zaroorat padi to har baar sirf tu hi tha jise maine apne saath khada paaya. Main janti hoon ki mujhe apnana tere liye koi aasan baat nahin rahi hogi par tune fir bhi mera haath thaama. Mujhe aage badhne ka hausla diya. Aur mujhe kisi fragile doll ki tarah na treat karke aur aage badhne ka lecture na deke na hi mujhse sab bhulane ki umeed karke, mujhe bas normal treat karta raha. Shiva... tu mere liye iss dunya ka best human hai. Kal jab main apne aap se tootthi ja rahi thi woh tera hi wajood tha jisne mujhe khud se bandhe rakha tha. Tune agar mujhe sambhala na hota, to main to bas ek yaad bankar reh chuki hoti." Raavi declared softly. "Kal un khandaron mein mujhe ehsaas hua ki sab pyaar krte hain mujhse par saath sirf tu de sakta hai. Aur jab tu mere saath hota hai na? To mujhe dunya ki zaroorat nahin hoti. So thank you ki tune mujhe mere itne shak karne par bhi akela nahin choda. Main apni zindagi jeena chahti hoon. Tere saath. Pyaar ka to maaloom nahin par main chahti hoon ki tu meri jeene ki, aage badhne ki, behtar banne ki aur har khushi ki wajah zaroor bane." He tightened his hold on her. Her acceptance regarding their relationship and his position in her life was a welcome surprise. It was a beautiful thank you and even though he ached to feel her in ways different than this, he still accepted her gratefulness. That would come too... later. But the healing had begun.
"Kal un khandaron mein tu apna dimaagh bhi gawa kar aa chuki hai Maami ki behen ki beti." He whispered. She stiffened expecting an insult. "Kal maine tujhe tere liye nahin. Apne Liye bachaya tha. Tu zaroori hai ab mere zindagi ke liye." She smiled slightly as she relaxed. "Main ladunga kisse?" She huffed again as he chuckled. But they were all right. They would survive.
She separated from him amidst his protests and smiled at him sweetly. She pinched his cheek and patted it lightly and then kissed him hurriedly on his cheek as she fled away from the room.
_________