come out and play (billie eilish christmas story)

21

"Maybe we should talk about that,"

"I-I didn't mean- I mean, I'm sorry," I mumbled lamely, turning away as tears brimmed in my eyes.

"But you're right though. We're not together and I have no claim on you," Billie pointed out calmly. I could feel her eyes boring a hole in the back of my head, but I didn't turn back.

When I didn't respond, Billie continued.

"Do you not want this?" She asked. It was well concealed, but I could hear the hint of nervousness in her tone.

"Of course I do, I just... well, don't you think it's maybe a little fast?" My voice sounded hoarse. I glanced at her briefly.

"I thought we both agreed we didn't care," Billie's tone was harsher now, and I cringed at it.

"W-well, I don't but I just feel like maybe we haven't known each other long enough to be in a real relationship," I argued weakly, scared to look at her.

"What's the point then?" Billie retorted. We were parked outside of the café now. "Why not be in a real relationship if we both want it? What's holding you back?"

A tear slipped down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away, not wanting Billie to switch up if she saw I was crying. "I'm just worried about what other people might think- your family," I stammered out.

"My family doesn't care!" Billie scoffed, her voice raising. "They just want to see me happy. You make me happy, Willow!"

"I just think it's too soon," I repeated, breath shaky.

Billie scoffed again. "Why, Willow? What are you so afraid of?"

I stayed silent.

Billie sighed, sounding more defeated now. "You won't even look at me. If you don't want to be in a committed relationship with me, then why'd you kiss me? Am I just an experiment to you?"

I shook my head frantically but didn't respond verbally. I was too afraid of my voice giving away my held back tears.

"I think you should go now, and think about what you really want before I see you again," Billie said quietly.

I swallowed, nodded, and exited the car, mumbling an "I'm sorry," as I shut the door behind me.

***

I wanted to scream and throw things. But I couldn't, so I just leaned my head against the wall, eyes blurry while I stared at mine and Billie's text conversation.

I have to apologize. But what do I say? Going a day without even a little bit of Billie, not even a single text, had made me realize even more harshly what an idiot I'd been. I wanted her so badly. I needed her, after less than three weeks.

Stop thinking that way. Billie doesn't care about that. Why should I? I reminded myself, frustrated.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, waiting until my vision cleared before I opened them again.

Just tell her how you feel, I told myself, beginning to type.

Me

I'm so sorry about yesterday, can we please talk? I miss you so much

I hit send before I had second thoughts, then threw my phone on the couch chair, knowing I had to get ready for work before I got stuck staring and waiting for a response.

I cringed at my own reflection as I walked into the bathroom. My eyes were still red and my hair was messy from crying last night. I still wore Billie's massive hoodie; I practically swam in it. I couldn't bear to take it off last night for bed when it still smelled like her, and I wasn't sure how long it would be before I got anymore of her.

I sighed, glancing at my watch. I had about half an hour before I had to get out the door to walk to the café in time for my 9 o'clock shift.

Hope it's enough time, I thought glumly, reluctantly stripping out of Billie's hoodie so that I could shower. I wish I could comfort myself by putting it back on after, but I knew it wasn't appropriate for work and Leah would probably have to have a talk with me.

Once I had freshened up enough to be presentable for work, I hesitantly checked my phone, holding my breath as I read the text on the screen.

Billie

what time do you get off work? I'll come by then

She doesn't seem angry, I attempted to console myself as I texted back a simple '5'. Text tones are the worst to decipher.

Swallowed by nerves and anticipation, my whole 8-hour shift I worked on autopilot. It went by much too fast, and before I knew it I heard the door bell ringing and glanced up to see Billie walking in.

I quickly looked back down, scared to face her. Thankfully, Leah was on cashier and someone new who had just been hired had just come in to relieve me and so I had an excuse to go to the back room. Leah gave me a smirk when she crossed to take Billie's order, but it faded when she saw the look on my face.

I stalled back there for way too long. I picked at the hems on the nicer sweater I had thrown on for work, wishing it was longer and baggier. Despite being almost entirely covered, I felt exposed and vulnerable.

I can't stay back here any longer. I grabbed my winter coat and left the tiny staff room, taking a deep breath as I walked into the seating area to prepare myself when I lifted my gaze and met those piercing blue eyes.