My Marketable Mind

Made-up you (explicit)

Summer this year was cold
Kept my feelings to myself but the look on my face made it feel overexposed
I thought of not going back to our places so I always ended up on the wrong floor
Recalling the main details
About that scarred face
Those class gatherings with a shared group of friends
Everything is perfect about your absence
But the reminiscing makes it real big of an impact
Knowing I'm very sensitive and delicate
I still thought you'd come back

I've been having a hard time
Rekindling my charm
Trying to bring us back to life
Every heartbeat, every new person entering is an alarm

I'm slowly pacing, replicating your steps
It's not you who
I miss, it's the made-up you, I miss
How long will it take to resurface
The damage that you did
Took away my halo, my innocence
You said you'd come back soon
But never knew that you'd come back into my memories and pull off this bitchy move
It's not you who I miss,
It's the made-up you

You're probably having another highly privileged monsoon
With those thick-layered umbrellas
Not having any patches or stains
You just couldn't call me, the attitude you were fed in that silver spoon
I know all of these feelings are hard to articulate
Give me some suggestions to skip the January showers
Next year, when the grief will be overpowered

I've been having a hard time
Rekindling my charm
Trying to bring myself back to life
Yet I see your ghost, I hear those echoes
Capturing our memories whispering in the school corridor
But the real you would never-ever take the courage to even pick up my phone

I'm slowly pacing, replicating your steps
It's not you who I miss
It's the made-up you, I miss
Like a poignant prose lost in Lana Del Rey's poetry book page
This pain will intensify with each passing age
Every classroom, every bench room whispers your name
You said you'd come back soon
But you're a mirage, a dream I can't pursue
It's not you who I miss
It's the made-up you

(Get out of my head)
(Come back instead)
(Get out of my head)
(I'm not ready to move on yet)
Can we just talk about it
Rather than me losing my mind over it
Having auditory, visual and God knows what sort of hallucinations
This new phase doesn't feel real with your seclusion

In easier words, I'm trying to erase
My schoolboy error
It's like me and you in a fool's paradise
Working out on things, getting better
Your touch makes me feel alive
I miss your voice, I miss those eyes
And a made-up you would never suffice
You showed me the best of what love is
I could've had the best of you
Only if I was aware of the term that
"Time is of the essence"

it's almost fall, I'm still Rekindling my charm
Ayesha saw someone just like you near the junior wing
The only person being aware of our short-lived fling
The only time I got away with my obsessive oversharing

I'm pacing slowly, replicating your steps
It's not you who I miss
It's the made-up you, I miss
Would've been better if life offered me death
At least you would come to my funeral
Cremation wasn't, but a closure was definitely an unfinished business
Hoping that you'll come back soon
But keeping that hope alive was the only thing I couldn't do
It's not you who I miss
It's the made-up you
The one I made up in my head
The one who probably missed me too, to make the heartbreak seem fair
I see the real you on my screen
The real you doesn't even think about me

It's been 5 months, 13 days
I'll probably catch up with you on your birthday
With a "happy birthday" text
How long will I keep the made-up you in my head

written by vikshar varma (26/9/23)