Forever Yours

Chapter 1

Song: All I Want - Kodaline

Day Of

Why is it so difficult to keep living? Living is truly so much harder than dying. Breathing is so much harder when you don't want to anymore. Getting out of bed is so much harder when you never wanted to wake up in the first place. Complaining is so much harder when you're told you should be grateful.
When you're taught to always be grateful for what you have you start to feel guilty for wanting the things you don't. Even if it's things that should be okay to want. Like, oh I don't know, parents. This is exactly what I'm feeling as I set down the phone, and soon I'm feeling guilty for that too.
"I am sorry to inform you that your parents have been in a car accident and were sent to our hospital," the voice on the line says in fake sympathy.
"Are they okay?" is my stupid, naive response.     
"I'm so sorry..." I blocked out the rest of the conversation. This can't possibly be happening right now. It's my birthday. How the heck am I supposed to come back from this? How am I supposed to tell Evelyn and Henry? I don't know what I'm supposed to do about anything right now.
I walk out of the bathroom with tears streaming down my face as Valerie asks if I'm okay. No, I'm not okay. I just lost the only thing I've always known; how am I supposed to be okay? A broken whispered, "No." is all I can manage without completely breaking down.
She comes up and puts her arms around me knowing I don't want to talk about it at this moment. This is a big deal for us considering, even though we've been best friends for years, we've hugged maybe twice in the entire time we've known each other. So naturally I start completely breaking down in her arms. This goes on for an embarrassing ten minutes before her curiosity and worrying wins out and Valerie asks the question I've been waiting for. There's an awful lot of questions going around lately. "What happened?" she whispers.
"M...my parents," I respond before I force myself to stop crying so I can go talk to my siblings and actually string a few sentences together. Luckily, somehow, she understands because I don't think I'd be able to talk anymore without crying again.
"Oh Amelia, I'm so sorry," I can tell she doesn't know what else to say but it still means a lot to me that she's trying. Quite frankly, I wouldn't know how to respond either.
I know she's on the verge of tears as well, I mean Valerie is genuinely the closest friend I've ever had and is practically a part of our family. I wish she knew she doesn't ever have to be strong for me. "You know it's okay to cry right, I know you loved them too," my voice coming out steadier than I expected. And there she goes breaking down which sends me unraveling until we're holding each other, both trying to hold the other one up until we slink to the floor.
In some weird way it comforts me knowing I'm not the only one hurting. We both sit there until she realizes something, "how are you going to tell Henry and Evelyn?"
"I don't know Valerie, I really just can't think about that right now."
"Okay," was her response. There's nothing left to say and we just sit there with grief surrounding us and I can feel it, it's as if there's this physical force pushing a pillow against my face trying to suffocate me, and I really wish it would just put me out of my misery.
Living was hard enough before this and now... now I'm expected to do it alone? I'm expected to wake up every day knowing when I walk downstairs it won't be my parents rushing to make us breakfast, get us out of the door, and to school on time so they can make it to work? I'm expected to WANT to get up and go to school where everybody looks at me with pity? I'm expected to have to live with Evelyn who is a spitting image of my mom and look at Henry everyday, just yet another reminder of my dad? I love my siblings so much but how am I supposed to look at them without hurting.
And suddenly I hate my parents. I hate them for leaving us like this, for leaving me like this. I'm the oldest, I'm the one expected to tell my siblings, I'm the one expected to stay strong for them, I'm the one expected to move on and act like nothing ever happened. I know deep down it's not their fault but all I can feel right now is blind, hot rage. Then I hate myself for hating them. They didn't do anything, they didn't "leave" me. It's so much easier to hate than to grieve. Grieving hurts so much worse than you expect it to and I already want the hurting to stop.
It hurts so much I refuse to believe they're actually gone. They wouldn't have left me. Not some of the only people who've ever truly loved me. They couldn't have. I'm crying again, damnit. "I'm not telling them, they aren't gone, they can't actually be gone," is what I tried to say but I'm not sure if Valerie understood it or not.
"Oh Amelia."
I didn't mean to make her cry again. "Shit, I'm sorry," I'm saying.
"Don't you dare apologize, you didn't do anything." I don't believe her. Surely I must've done something if God doesn't want anyone in my life. "You're crying again." She responds, "You seriously think that's your fault? You didn't do anything and I can promise you that." It's really sweet she's trying to reassure me but it doesn't help much when I know she's lying to my face.
"Thanks," is all I can manage to say.
Valerie's dad walks in and sees us on the floor before he asks, "What happened." There's no mistaking the worry in his tone. And there's no way I'm saying it.
"Amelia's parents are... gone," a hesitant Valerie says from beside me.
"Oh no, I'm so sorry," was his response and I can tell he's trying not to cry as well. I really wish people would just cry if they freaking wanted to cry. I know I'm not the only one who's going to miss them and it makes it so much worse when they're trying to be strong for me.
I hear "I'll go make some tea," before he leaves the room. I know damn well he's never even had a sip of tea before and the thought almost makes me laugh.
"I don't think he even knows how to make tea," Valerie says on the verge of laughter.
Before I know it the dam breaks and suddenly I'm laughing because this is some kind of sick joke right? Nobody loses their parents like that. Not at the same time. That's simply too much for a child to deal with. I just turned 17. How am I supposed to explain to a 6 and 12 year old that they're going to live with someone else for God knows how long because their parents are dead. It simply doesn't make sense. Someone make it make sense because I can't. I refuse to let it.
"I have to go tell Evelyn and Henry," I whisper when I suddenly stop laughing.
"Do you want me to go with you?" Valerie responds.
"No," yes, God yes. "I need to do this on my own," it would be so much easier if you were there with me.
"Okay, call me later alright?"
"Alright," I respond as I'm opening the door.
I don't think I'm calling her tonight. I'm on my own now and I can't rely on anybody anymore. This realization hits hard as I'm driving home and I realize nothing's ever going to be the same again. The thought makes me want to go barreling into a tree and I can't breathe. Unfortunately, I can't let myself just end it, I can't just run into the damn tree so it'll all go away.
I have to keep driving and keep going forward for Evelyn and Henry. They're all that matter right now and I have to make myself get to them. Instead of just staring straight ahead like I probably should, I'm staring at the line in the middle of the road, watching it change from dotted to whole and back again and again until I'm finally home. I take a deep breath before heading inside.
As soon as I open the door I hear, "Hey, why are you back so soon?" from Henry and they both come running up to me, confused.
"Hey guys," was all I could think to say back.
Evelyn says, "Hi Amelia," and seems really excited I'm home early. It makes my chest hurt thinking about having to break their hearts.
"Did you guys eat?" was my response, I mean seriously was that the best I could come up with? At the moment I guess it was. It's not like it matters anyway because Henry refuses to let anything go and said,
"Are you gonna answer my question or continue to avoid it? I can tell when something's wrong and I'd really like an explanation."
I sigh, "Let's go sit on the couch so I can explain."
A whispered, "Ummm.. okay," comes from Henry. I lead the way to the couch with him beside me and Evelyn behind us. I decided it's best to just bite the bullet instead of dancing around it.
"Mom and dad... t..they got into a car accident," I say before taking in a shaky breath. I can tell Evelyn doesn't quite understand but it's starting to sink in for Henry.
"Are they okay?" Oh Henry, I said the same thing.
"Um... no they aren't okay," I'm on the verge of tears right now and I really need to keep them back. I haven't said it so directly and all these words are doing is breaking the two kids sitting in front of me. Henry immediately stands up and marches to his room to slam the door but Evelyn still seems confused.
"So t..they're dead?"
It takes everything in me to look in her eyes and say, "Yes Ev they're dead."
Now they're both breaking down and I don't know what to do and I just want my parents but I can't want that anymore. They're gone, they're truly gone and I don't know why the realization just hit me now but it's such a forceful revelation that I don't know how to handle it. I won't cry in front of them anymore, I need to be strong for them and it's so many emotions at once that it's almost impossible to push them all down but I manage.
I debate checking on Henry but I let him go because I think he'll handle it better on his own rather than with someone hovering over him but Evelyn crawls in my lap and cries there. It physically hurts holding her knowing this isn't supposed to happen. There's no way anyone or anything needed them more than we do. It just doesn't make sense. I want to make sense of it all, but I know there isn't an answer.
We just have to do our best to move on.
God, this is going to hurt.
Not to even mention the funeral. Will I be expected to say something? I mean probably, they were my parents. But what am I supposed to say? That I loved them, that they're in a better place? Because I don't believe they're in a better place for one second. We need them here, on Earth, with us. At least one of them. If one of them could've stayed I wouldn't have to do this on my own, Evelyn and Henry wouldn't have to grow up completely without parents.
I don't even know what's going to happen, where we're going to live. I just turned 17 so I have one more year before I can move out or I'm out of the foster care system. I doubt we'll end up in the system though, I mean we have other family. But I'm so confused, I don't know anything about anything right now.
I'm overthinking and I really need to calm down or I'm going to worry Evelyn. I take a few deep breaths to calm my breathing and blink away the tears. All of this is almost for nothing when Evelyn says, "Why did they both have to leave at the same time?" in between sobs. I choke back the tears again and again and it's never enough, they always threaten to overflow again.
"I don't know Ev, I really don't and it's not fair and I'm sorry and I wish I had all the answers but I don't."
I'm still not sure she fully understands but I don't know how else to explain it. And I'm starting to worry about Henry, he still hasn't come out of his room and I don't know how to help him. I really don't know anything without my parents do I? Just then my phone rings so I look and realize I don't recognize the number; I answer anyways.
"Hello?"
"Hi, is this Amelia Callahan?"
"Yes."
"This is Aubree Levine, I was your parents' lawyer and I have their will in front of me."
"I was your parents lawyer" meaning she isn't their lawyer anymore. There's going to be a whole lot of past tense words being used when someone talks about them from now on. "Amelia?"
"Yes, sorry. What did you need from me exactly?"
"Well I just wanted to let you know that it looks like Lucas Callahan and Charlotte Callahan are yours, Henry, and Evelyn's godparents which makes them your legal guardians as of today."
"Oh okay, thank you," I respond before hanging up the phone. "Who was that?" asks Evelyn. "That was the lawyer, we're gonna go live with Uncle Lucas and Aunt Charlotte from now on," I say while forcing a smile. "Oh okay," she responds before she lays back down.
A few minutes later and Evelyn's now asleep in my lap but Henry's still in his room. I really should probably check on him but if I move Ev will wake up and I still don't know what to say. I'll check on him later.
Why is this so hard? It shouldn't be this hard right? I feel like I should know what to do. I should know what to say and how to say it. I mean people lose their parents all the time, this isn't any different. Except, it's different for me. I've never been through this before, this is new for me. I wasn't taught how to act in this circumstance. Although, I still don't think it's fully set in yet. Will it get easier when it does or just harder?
Will I be able to get out of bed tomorrow? I mean I'll have to, for Evelyn and Henry. I'm assuming Uncle Lucas will pick us up soon. I don't imagine they'll keep us waiting too long.
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It's been 4 hours since the lawyer called and I still haven't gotten so much as a call from Uncle Lucas or Aunt Charlotte. I guess they're grieving too but they have a responsibility now. Actually 3 responsibilities and they haven't even tried to check in on us. That makes me feel real good about our living situation.
I have to get started on dinner though. If they aren't going to pick us up it's my responsibility to get food in Evelyn and Henry's stomachs. I force myself to stand up and walk to the kitchen. Just one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. It'll be okay. I repeat this like a mantra over and over again in my head.
I open the pantry and of course my parents were supposed to go to the grocery today so we have no food. The thought makes me want to break down again. I grab the box of mac and cheese and start making it before the tears start to fall again.
I call Evelyn in when the mac and cheese is done. While she's eating, I take a plate to Henry's room and stop outside his door. I take a deep breath before knocking, "go away," is the only thing I hear before I push my way in anyways.
"You need to eat," is all I say before setting the plate down on his desk.
"I'm not hungry," comes from the direction of his bed.
"Mom and Dad wouldn't want you to stop taking care of yourself just because they're gone."
"Well Mom and Dad aren't here are they? They don't get a say in how I choose to live."
"I know it's hard and I'll leave you alone but please at least try to eat," was my final response before I walk out his door. As soon as I close the door, I look up and see Uncle Lucas is standing in the living room. "Hello," is all I can think of to say. God, I'm so stupid.
"Get your stuff Charlotte's waiting in the car."
Crap, I didn't explain everything to Henry yet. "Okay, I need to talk to Henry then we'll be right out," I get a curt nod in response before he walks out the front door. I turn to Evelyn, "Ev go to your room and pack everything you want to take to Uncle Lucas and Aunt Charlotte's."
When I walk back into Henry's room I notice that the Mac and cheese still sits uneaten on his desk. "Aunt Charlotte and Uncle Lucas are here, they're our godparents apparently. We need to pack so we can leave," I try to explain, but I'm not even finished when he starts blowing up.
"I'M NOT LEAVING, THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE I CAN FEEL MOM AND DAD. I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!"
I'm trying so hard to be understanding but it's been a long day and my patience is running thin. "I know you don't want to leave, I don't either but we have to. We can't live here by ourselves."
"What are they going to do with the house?" he whispers so quietly I almost missed it. I'm taken aback because it's so out of left field I don't know how to answer.
"I'm not sure, they'll probably end up selling it though."
"I don't want them to sell it, Mom loved this house and Dad put everything he had into fixing it for her."
"I know Hen, I'm going to do everything I can to save it but I'm not sure what can be done."

                              
My first chapter! I hope you enjoyed it. I'm not very good when it comes to writing grief so any changes or commentary would be greatly appreciated.
The first few chapters aren't my favorite but I promise it gets better.

Word Count: 3,178 words