Forever Yours

Chapter 9

Song: This Love (Taylor's Version)- Taylor Swift

Day 45

It's been five days since I've seen Oliver. I told him I needed space and I'm grateful for it, but in all honesty I miss him. I'm just worried we'll fall into our old habits of codependency.
I was a wreck when he moved away all those years ago. I know this time around when we inevitably break each other's hearts it'll be all that much worse. We're older, it hurts more. We grow more attached. I know he cares about me and I will always care about him but it's complicated.
It's complicated with Evelyn and Henry involved. With Lucas constantly breathing down my neck, just waiting for me to screw up. Not to mention, I don't have the time.
I'm barely passing school because I work double shifts at the coffee shop almost everyday, then have to pick Evelyn and Henry up from school, get home to make dinner, then drive them to wherever they need to be that night. The panic attacks every time I get in the car don't help. I have a feeling Henry's starting to catch on but luckily he hasn't said anything yet.
Lucas is pretty much just MIA most of the time. Weekends are the only time I'm home because I refuse to leave the kids alone with Lucas. He's never done anything more than yell or slap me but they don't need to deal with any of it. We've seemed to come to an unspoken agreement, he doesn't even say a word to Henry or Evelyn and I keep his secret of how horrible he is at being a guardian.
It seems to work for now. I just hope Henry doesn't realize how badly he treats me when they aren't around. I know he notices a lot so I'm not sure how long I can hope for that. I'm doing my absolute best to raise these kids and I just don't have the time for anything else. I don't think I've even talked to Valerie since the funeral. She got a new boyfriend since then and she's been busy anyways.
I'm glad she's happy. It just doesn't leave a lot of room for me but that's okay. I've been emotionally unavailable to anyone that's not Henry or Evelyn, and even then I can't say I've been there for them like I should. I wish I knew what to say or do to magically make everything better but once again, that's my parents forte.
Lately I feel like being selfish, like making time for Oliver and taking his offers of friendship but deep down I know we could never just be friends. Yeah it was easier in elementary school because we never truly understood those kinds of feelings but looking back we taught each other how to love. At the very least he taught me how to love and what it was like to be truly loved.
It's bit me in the ass in past relationships because I always loved guys better than they could love me and I was constantly looking for the kind of innocent love that Oliver gave me. It just never happened. I think the worst part is at least some of my heart will always belong to him. I could be getting married and still be thinking about what Oliver is doing at that point in time.
He's that person for me, the one person that will always be my best friend no matter the distance or the amount of time that has passed. I think that's what's making me hesitate so much. Every guy I've been with or talked to I had no emotional attachment to, if I broke his heart or vise versa no harm done, right? Yes, sometimes I would start to grow fond of them but they never had that grip on me that Oliver did. If everything gets messy with Oliver now it'll shatter me all over again and I haven't even begun to heal over my parents death yet.
"Hello Amelia, how are you doing?" I look up from the coffee I was making to find Oliver smirking at me.
"Hi Oliver, what are you doing here?" I ask confused.
"I know we agreed to a week of no contact but I really miss you and I just wanted to see you."
"No it's okay I was just confused," I respond not wanting him to think I'm mad at him.
His face lights up when he realizes I'm not upset. "Does that mean you'll come do something with me on Wednesday?"
"This Wednesday?"
"Yup, I'll plan everything and pick you up and stuff, I just need you to occupy me," Is he nervous? I kid you not I've never seen him this nervous he's always swift confidence and cocky grins and it's throwing me off.
"Do you mean accompany?"
"Dammit yes, I practiced this in the car I swear like thirty times before I came in here and still messed up," he responds sheepishly.
"Wow nervous and embarrassed, I don't think I've seen you this worked up since well ever actually," I try to ease some of the tension while I think of a response.
"Well to be fair you've already rejected me multiple times and you're really pretty so," his confident demeanor slides back into place as a hot blush creeps up my neck and into my cheeks.
"I would love to... as friends obviously but unfortunately I have to work."
I feel Andrea as she brushes behind me and says,  "Oh don't worry girl I'll cover your shift, I need overtime anyways." I really am grateful for that because I did want to go with Oliver but I really need all the extra money I can get at the same time and it just feels extremely selfish to take even a day off. But, I also need that money. I guess she kind of made up my mind for me.
I don't know how to say no so of course I say, "Oh wow thank you so much I really appreciate it Andrea."
Oliver turns to me with the biggest smile on his face and I know I'd still do anything to see him smile. There's a certain smile he always reserved just for me and even all these years later I can still imagine it perfectly. "Great, if you could just type your number right here into this nifty cell phone then I will send you all the details."
"And does that happen to be your cell phone?" I ask.
"Perhaps, but it's strictly for business purposes," he's still smiling, but it's that one smile and he's looking at me like we're still kids and I'm completely overwhelmed and I'm convinced this was his plan all along as I type my number into his phone.
"Of course, it definitely has nothing to do with the fact that you've been trying to get my number since you first walked into this coffee shop," and it feels so good, natural to fall back into the rhythm of our old banter that the guilt ebbs for just a second and I don't think I'm going to regret Wednesday. I have no idea what he has planned but I let myself get excited for the first time since my parents death even if it's just the smallest bit. "I do have to be back by 3:30 though because I have to pick up Evelyn and Henry."
He looks confused for a second, probably about the fact that I'm the one picking them up and not Lucas or Charlotte but luckily he just says, "Okay, I gotta go cause I have class but I'll talk to you later to get everything figured out," he looks like he want to hug me but just turns around towards the door and walks out.
Before he even pulls out of the parking lot I get a text.
Oliver: Hey Amelia
Oliver: Just to let you know whenever we hang out I know it'll always be as just friends. I will never expect anything else from you whatsoever. I would absolutely love to be more with you but I know you're not ready for anything else and that's more than okay. I just want to be there and support you in whatever way you'll let me.
I know it might not mean much to a lot of people but it does to me. That reassurance that he knows I just want a friendship and that he doesn't expect anything else from me fills me with a sense of relief. The last thing I want is to lead him on.
Me: Thank you Oliver
Oliver: Woah, how'd you know it was me?
Me: Umm well it was either that or my pimp so lucky guess apparently.
Oliver: Ohhh okay yeah that makes sense.
Oliver: You don't have your pimp's number saved?
Me: No, it's too easy to track
Oliver: Oh okay that makes sense
Me: Are you driving and texting?
Oliver: ...No
Me: Oliver please don't.
He stops texting me and I start to get worried after a few minutes. I know it's stupid because I literally just told him not to text because I was worried about that, then I start worrying about the fact that he's not texting me and I'm a mess about the stupidest things since my parents' accident. I don't relax until ten minutes after when he finally texts me back.
Oliver: You're right, I'm sorry I won't text and drive anymore.
Me: Thank you.
I don't know how he knows but I know he does. I know he somehow knows about the anxiety and maybe how driving makes me feel and he always knows exactly what to say to make me feel better. Maybe I'm constantly reading too much into everything he does or maybe he's the one constant in my life. Maybe he's the one who never gave up on me. Maybe he just knows exactly who I am and how I work and maybe he always will. And maybe I just need to learn to be okay with that because obviously pushing him away is never going to do either of us any good.

***
Heyyy it's been awhile...
Like a couple weeks and it's not like anyone reads it anyway but I like to pretend so sue me.
The other day I was rereading ACOTAR in my room by myself at like 1 am and the next morning my mom asked who I was talking to. I was genuinely confused for a few seconds until I realized she heard me ranting to my invisible camera man about Tamlin. Like mom please... who would I be talking to? She didn't understand when I told her I was talking to myself basically but not basically.
Anywaysss thanks for reading and love you lots... ❤️

Word Count: 1,682