Forever Yours

Chapter 14

Song: I Found- Amber Run

Day 49

"I'm sorry," comes straight after those three words I haven't heard in what seems like forever. I wish he didn't. Follow them up with an apology right afterwards but I understand why he did.  He feels like. He's pushing me too hard too fast but I've known him my entire life, and yes we've both changed but I've come to know eighteen year led Oliver and I've found I love this version as well. I have a feeling I'd love any and every version of him.
"Please don't be.  I need you to mean what you said and not take those words back," I answer, letting myself be just a little bit more vulnerable around him. I feel him breaking down the defenses I've spent so long building brick by brick. Every day the thought of just placing my heart inn his palms and letting it rest there for a little bit becomes a little more appealing. I'm tired of trying to protect my heart from ruin when my overthinking brain is destroying it even more.  Honestly I think it would be safer in his hands than my own.
"I do mean them, I mean every word. I've loved you since before I even truly understood what the word meant Amelia." He pauses for a second and then takes a deep breath as if preparing himself, "Can I come over?" He sounds unsure like he's worried I'm going to turn him away. It hurts knowing he thinks I have the power to. Ever reject him in any way. Even if my brain wanted to, my heart just doesn't have the ability. I haven't really given him any reason to believe otherwise though.
"Yes, I have work later tonight though," Lucas' pissed off face flashes in my mind for just a second before I shut it down. Even if Lucas does see Oliver, I know with unwavering certainty I'm safe with him.
"Okay, I'm on my way now," he hangs up and leaves me alone with my thoughts while he drives over here. It's extremely anxiety inducing knowing anything could happen at any moment and I can't do anything to stop it. It's like a ten minute drive max from his house to mine but that doesn't stop scenario after scenario from playing out in my mind. They all end up with liver either injured or dead.
I pick up my phone to hopefully give me a distraction from my thoughts but my body is still riddled with tension until I see his car pull up to park down the street. I texted him right after he hung up and asked him to park down the street so Lucas didn't see his car in the driveway.
I check the hallway for Lucas or Charlotte but I don't see them anywhere. When I pass their room I hear the tv on so I pray they don't come out for at least a couple of minutes. That should give me enough time to get Oliver up to my room without notice. I creep down the stairs, desperate to not make any sort of noise.
I pass Evelyn and Henry on the way to the front door. They're arguing over Henry's Legos and the normalcy  of it all manages to bring a smile to my face despite my worry over getting caught. "Who's here Amelia?" Evelyn looks up from the Legos long enough to notice me. Creeping towards the front door.
"Oh just a friend," I answer nonchalantly.
"I see Henry's eyes light up and already know he jumped to the right conclusion.  "Is it Oliver?" I don't answer him, instead going to open the door before he has the chance to knock.
Henry jumps up to see Oliver before he's even made it through the door. Eager much, I joke internally but deep down i know I'm just excited to see him. "Ollie! What are you doing here?" Henry asks enthusiastically. Evelyn's just as happy to see him. They got to bond a bit when we went out for ice cream but it doesn't take much for Evelyn to warm up to people in general.
Oliver looks up from Henry and Evelyn to give me a warm smile, "I came to see your sister." Our eyes lock, green on blue, and it feels like we're locked in our own world. The air around us seems to get heavier and time seems to slow down as his eyes drop to my lips for the briefest second before they dart back up to my eyes.  I can tell he hopes I didn't notice but I'm so in tune with him I notice the smallest, most insignificant movements he makes. There's no way I wouldn't notice.
I offer him a smile back and I swear his breath hitches. My heart rate increases as we stare at each other, unmoving. Neither of us want to disrupt the charged silence, worried about breaking the spell. Nothing else seems to matter as we stand there and I completely forget about my sibling's presence until Evelyn's voice knock me out of my stupor, "You just saw her the other day, silly."
"I know but I missed her. Is that okay with you?" The teasing note is back in Oliver's voice as he breaks away from my stare and looks down at Evelyn and Henry.
"Yes,  you're my favorite Ollie," Evelyn looks at Oliver like he hung the moon and my heart drops. My mind and heart start racing like they're trying to see who can finish me off first and it's getting harder to breathe.
Oliver seems to notice the shift as his face drops. "I'm going to take Amelia up to her room now, okay? I have to talk to her about something really important," he's pulling away from her before he even finishes his sentence and grabs my hand.
I pull him to a stop before we get to the stairs, "Wait, we have to be really quiet, my uncle can't hear you go up the stairs." He doesn't even blink as he practically drags me up the stairs. He seems upset but i can't figure out why. It's not the I told him what I was feeling in the living room.
We get to my room without getting caught luckily and Oliver closes the door softly before turning to face me. Oh he's mad. "Why do you keep doing that?!" He's not yelling but I can tell he's barely holding back.
"Do what? I didn't even say anything to you," he's confusing me and I'm so overwhelmed by him I can barely breathe, let alone think. Why does HE do that? He makes it so had to shut him out. He can't ever just shut up and let me try to piece together the walls he keeps obliterating over and over again. He always wants to talk. Well I'm sick of talking and communicating. And if that makes me immature then so be it.
"You're stupid fucking walls, Amelia. It's always one step forward and two steps back with you. I get through one wall just for you to build up another three. I'm trying to be patient but you told me you loved me," his voice breaks on the last couple of words and I feel my resolve crumble. I feel his pain throughout my whole body and I can't deal with knowing I'm the cause of it. "You can't just say that and look at me the way you did downstairs then turn around and shut me out again," I can see his entire body tense from barely concealed rage but i know deep down it's to cover up the hurt from MY actions.
"I wasn't shutting you out!" I'm practically screaming at this point and i pray that Lucas doesn't hear it over his tv but I'm past the point of caring.
"Don't even start with that shit. I SAW you. You do realize that your eyes convey every emotion you've ever had, right? And i can't even figure out why you keep doing it. Why are you so determined to punish me?!"" He gets louder with every word.
"I'm not punishing you Oliver! You're the one so hell bent on talking about everything. Us, me, my parents, my feelings. Why can't you just let me build my own "stupid fucking walls" in peace?"
I don't know why I'm so upset about this, i like his honesty and I like how easy it is for us to communicate but I'm so terrified of making mistake nowadays and he doesn't even give me time to think about my actions. It feels like I'm constantly on the edge of a cliff, one wrong move and I drag not only myself, but my entire family, down with me. And every time we have a conversation, especially a serious one, I want to take the freaking dive more and more. And deep down I know he'll catch my in his stupid arms.
You love his stupid arms, my inner voice chastises. Now is seriously not the time for her to show up.
"Oh sue me for CARING Amelia. I just want what's best for you but you keep pushing me away and it stings a little bit more every time because the closer I'm get, the more you push me away. I understand why you do it and i understand why you're scared but I LOVE YOU AMELIA HARPER CALLAHAN! I don't understand why you can't get that through your thick fucking skull. I'm not walking away and I'm tired of you trying to force me to. It didn't work in the past and it's not going to work now." He's still agitated but his breathing is slower and his shoulders aren't as tense. Exhaustion lines his features in his anger's place, which compels me to walk up to him. 
I know my actions are the cause and the last thing I want is for him to be in any sort of pain, especially if I'm the cause of it. "I just want you to be happy Ams," he whispers. I press my lips to his as the last words leave his mouth, unable to take how defeated he sounds. He freezes for a second, no doubt in shock before he presses me to my bedroom door and deepens the kiss. Holy cow. It's frantic and desperate at first, like he's trying to make up for lost time. But, when he slides his tongue against mine and slows down I. Hear the hidden meaning behind it. We have plenty of time, Sunshine. apparently I'm so in tune with him that i can read his thoughts now.
I panic for a second when he pulls away, terrified of rejection, but my heart rate steadies again when he leans his forehead against mine. "I'm so scared Oliver, I can't mess anything up. I can't lose you and my siblings can't deal with another loss either. Evelyn already looks at you like you hung the goddamn moon and Henry acts like you're the brother he's always wanted. I know you're the brother he's always wanted. I can't afford to mess that relationship up. They need someone to look up to but what happens if you walk away-" he cuts off my rambling and grabs my chin, forcing me to look him in the eye instead of our shoes. That's a shame, they're my favorite.
"First of all, nobody could pry me away from you again. Second of all, your siblings will be fine. I know you need logic and not feelings at the moment so I will give you a hypothetical scenario in which we don't work out. In this HYPOTHETICAL scenario, I would continue to see Evelyn and Henry as long as you were okay with it and they still wanted to see me. But most importantly they just want to see you happy, baby." Hello butterflies. "Not to toot my own horn or anything but I think it's safe to say I make you happy. Not once in any of your speeches about why we can't be together did you say that I didn't make you happy."
He's right of course, although I hate to admit it. But, that's why I kissed him. I couldn't have him standing there in front of me, thinking anyone would ever come close to making me as happy as he does. Nobody's ever affected me the way that he does and I showed him in the only way I knew how.
"You can't always control if you leave or not," I voice my biggest worry out loud. What if he dies? You're already in too deep, you can push him away all you want but in the end you're just hurting yourself more. Great, now my inner voices are arguing as well.
"You're right, I can't but I can't control that and neither can you. Why are you denying something that makes you happy because of what-if's? If I died today would you care?"
"What?" I splutter, shocked that he even had to ask. "Of course I would, it would destroy me."
"So what does it matter if you let me all the way in or not? Either way one day i will die, but today's not that day. We might not have a lifetime together but I'm damn well going to do everything in my power to make sure we have our forever. Whether it's a two day long forever or eighty year long forever I want that with YOU. There's no one else, Sunshine. I'm so irrevocably yours. My heart refuses to beat for anyone else, my brain refuses to think of anything but you, and my soul refuses to untangle itself from your grasp. I'll wait as long as I need to but please stop pushing me away."
His vulnerability alone proves to me that he's here to stay. He carries his no caring attitude and sarcastic remarks like a shield and I'm one of the few people I've seen him lower it for. I know he's here to stay. It's getting harder by the second to keep him shut out and I'm so tired of fighting it. I don't have the energy anymore, and it's so much easier to just sink into him. He pulls me closer to his chest and kisses the top of my head. "My heart belongs to you Oliver, a part of it always has but over the past couple of months I can't imagine my life without you. I felt like I was missing something until you walked back into my life. You feel like home," I sigh and let myself melt into him for the first time.
"I love you, Sunshine," he whispers.
"I love you too," I whisper back. "You know I just kissed you like five minutes ago right? Don't you think it's kind of soon for I love you?" I try to lighten the mood and it works.
"Actually I've been waiting like ten years to say that again so," Oliver's signature teasing tone is back and even though it's extremely annoying at times, I kind of missed it.
"It was not ten years."
"It felt like it," he retorts. "Actually if felt like at least twenty."
"Thanks for the clarification," I smile to myself. "Can we watch a movie?" I've been wanting to watch a new show but haven't really let myself sit down and enjoy it so if I force him to watch it with me I'll feel less guilty.
"Sure, what do you want to watch?" He seems so much lighter than when we first walked into my room and I feel guilty once more for dragging him down.
"I've been meaning to watch Bridgerton," I explain as he leads me to the bed and grabs my remote. He settles on the bed and pulls me against him. He puts his arm around me so I'm laying my head on his chest and I don't think I've heard a more reassuring sound than the sound of his steady heartbeat. It's the only thing that's calmed the anxiety and quieted the sound in my head that's been unwaveringly present since my parent's death. For once I didn't have anything to worry about. I would have to get up in a few hours to get ready for work but I could breathe for now and that's all that matters.

***
So for starters I'm pretty sure this is the longest chapter I've written which I'm pretty proud of. Secondly, my book is at over 50 reads which is kind of crazy to me. I never really expected anyone to actually read my book so I'm quite proud of myself. Thank you guys so much ❤️

Unrelated but I started PT a couple weeks ago and it seriously sucks. If you ever thought about tearing your ACL 1/10 would not recommend.