Forever Yours

Chapter 10

Song: Ho Hey- The Lumineers

Day 47

Why am I nervous? He literally said two days ago that this wasn't even a date. I think he wants it to be though. Which is okay with me since he said he respects my wishes and just wants me to be happy. I mean not in so many words but that's essentially what he said and I know that's what he wants, that's all he's ever wanted. He's also hot so there's that.
I feel like a horrible person because I haven't even told Valerie about our not date. I know she'd never be anything but excited, but I just have this underlying fear that she's going to somehow make me feel guilty or somehow Lucas or Charlotte will find out and they'll make me feel like a horrible human being simply for wanting to spend time with a friend. I just don't want anything or anybody ruining our day.
I'm not sure when the next time I'm going to allow myself to take off work will be so I'm going to cherish the time I do have with Oliver. I'm still not sure how to feel about today or how to navigate it but I'm trying not to stress over it. Which is extremely difficult.
I decided to wear the dress I got to wear to my parents' funeral. It still hurts, I'm not sure if it'll ever stop but I'm at the point where I still want them to be involved as much as possible. When they first died I didn't want to talk about them at all, I didn't even really want to think about them. And I would do everything to not think of them if it meant a temporary reprieve from the pain that always trailed the happy memories. But, I'm trying to do better about it because I don't want to forget them and I don't want Evelyn or Henry thinking they can't even mention them in their own house.
I put on the dress and look in the full length mirror on my bedroom door. It feels good to use this dress for something good. This dress that looks like my mom designed it herself, the dress that is tainted with bad memories of one of the worst days of my life. I can almost hear my mom's voice as I inspect the dress,  I'm proud of you. Keep it up, kid. It'll all work out in the end, and for the record I always knew he was good for you.
It might seem stupid but I whisper back, "Thanks mom," because I need some semblance of hope that she can still hear me. That her spirit wasn't lost in that crash like mine was. That she's genuinely proud of me because I need to believe that I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing my best but I'm constantly questioning if it's enough, if it'll ever be enough.
And to be honest it makes me feel better knowing my mom always loved Oliver. Even in the years we weren't friends she would still ask me if I ever reached out to him or if he ever reached out to me and the answer was always the same answer. She always had a knowing smile though, like she knew we'd find our way back to each other. It makes me wonder if she somehow sent him to me when she knew I needed him most. It's stupid and naive but I wonder if that's what happens when a loved one dies. You look for meaning in anything and everything, desperate for any sort of ties to them.
A knock brings me out of my stupor. I look at the clock and it says 9:00. I go to open the door, confused because Oliver isn't supposed to be here until eleven. When I open the door it's his knowing grin that I'm met with. I used to hate that smile, he always looked as if he knew something nobody else did and it drove me insane. However, I learned to love and eventually miss it.
"Oliver," I say as ways of greeting.
"Amelia," his stupid knowing smirk is still glued to his face.
"What are you doing here?" I answer while simultaneously trying to make sure I'm blocking the camera's view of him because it's pointing right at the front door and I really don't need Lucas seeing that I had a boy here.
"To pick you up," he says like he didn't catch me completely off guard.
"You aren't supposed to be here for another two hours," I try not to grin back at him but he just has one of those smiles that is contagious. You think about his mouth an awful lot to be just friends, the voice in my head has to enter the conversation as well apparently.
"Well I know you've missed me so I decided to pick you up early so we can spend more time together," he says smugly.
My efforts of trying to tamp down on my grin fail miserably as I answer him, "Are you sure you're not the one who's missed me?"
"Well potato potato, I'll just wait for you until you're ready," he responds while, to my horror, he tries to come inside.
"No no, it's okay you can just wait in the car for me I'll be out in two minutes," my voice comes out panicky which just makes me more nervous because Oliver picks up on everything and I really don't want him to find out about how Lucas and Charlotte treat me.
"Okay, take your time," he scans my face for a hint of what's going on but after a couple seconds he turns around. I close the door behind me and exhale once I hear it latch. I don't understand why I'm acting like this. This is exactly what I mean when I say I push him away over and over again even though I already promised myself I wouldn't do that to him anymore.
*****
He's still smiling when I walk back to the car but I know it's fake. I know he doesn't want me shutting him out and I really don't want our day starting off like this but he has to realize it's inevitable no matter how hard I try not to. It has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me letting all the wrong people in.
I know he doesn't want to push me so he just pushes off the car and stalks towards me, "Ready to go?"
"Yup, where are we going anyways?" I ask, trying to keep the conversation directed away from me.
"It's a surprise," he's smiling for real now and something in my chest loosens at it.
"Okay, well let's go. I'm impatient."
He looks offended as he says, "You act as if I wasn't the one standing out here all this time waiting for you to get ready."
"You act as if you didn't show up 2 hours early," I retaliate. I walk to the car and reach for the door handle before he grabs my hand and leads me away from it.
"I figured we could walk," he says sheepishly.
I try not to let him know how that affected me as I follow his lead. He drops his hand, giving me space, but I find myself missing the warmth and weight of it. "You know my mom asked about you the other day," he says acting like he doesn't know exactly how much I dreaded getting into that car.
"Oh really?"
"Yup."
"Is there a reason?" I ask wondering how his mom would even know we're no longer ignoring each other.
"I may or may not have told her about our "not date" and I may or may not have told her you're even prettier than you were in 6th grade," he says completely unashamed meanwhile my cheeks are beet red.
"Oh did you?" He laughs at whatever he sees on my face and that just makes it worse. "I hate you," I mumble under my breath.
"Mhm, sure Ams," he's still laughing at me but trying to hide it. I bristle at the nickname that nobody's called me since my parents. I shouldn't really care since he used to call me that all the time but it seems significant.
"Are we almost there?" I try to change the subject.
"Yeah, it's just up here," I didn't even realize we'd already made it to Main Street with all the small town shops.
"Close your eyes."
"No, that's stupid," I refuse.
"It's fine, pleaseeee. You could never look stupid."
"Oh wow THE Oliver just gave me the best compliment known to man. Of course I'll listen to whatever you say, when you flatter me like that," I say with a roll of my eyes.
"Anything?" I catch the glimmer in his eyes and brush him off.
"No Oliver, I was being sarcastic. I'm not closing my eyes in the middle of town where everyone can see me run into things, walking around like a freaking blind man."
"I'm going to lead you the whole time Amelia, it's only a couple of steps anyways," he says convincingly.
"Fine," I respond, knowing this is a fight I won't win. I usually win most of them but I'll give him the one.
"May I?" He asks.
Knowing what he means I nod my head as he puts his hand over my eyes. However I wasn't expecting butterflies to gather in my stomach as his arm goes around my waist and he leads me from behind. Nothing has ever been as attractive as this moment and I can barely stay concentrated on not falling.
He was right and we're not far from our destination when he says, " keep your eyes closed," as his hand drops from my eyes and his arm around my waist lands in my hand. He opens a door and leads me inside. His hand drops from mine... again. For the second time today. But I know he wants to give me space and I have no right to miss it but I still do. He said he'd keep things friendly and I appreciate the effort.
I'm grateful for the hand he hovers above my lower back though. He leads me a few steps inside before I get impatient and ask if I can open my eyes yet.
"Geez impatient much? Yeah you can," he stays behind me even as I open my eyes as if he doesn't like too much distance between us at all. Even when we walked here he was still pretty close to me. But all of these thoughts vanish from my head as soon as I take in my surroundings.
"A bookstore?" I ask confused as I turn to face him.
"Yeah, I mean I know you liked to read when we were younger. I'm not really sure if that's still the case so I made other plans in case you wanted to do something else," he rambles.
"No no this is perfect I just don't have a lot of extra money right now. But I would still like to walk around and look if that's okay," I'm probably saying too much but I'm caught up in the moment and tell myself to worry and analyze his reaction later.
"Well good thing you aren't paying for anything today," he says like I should automatically assume that.
"No, I can't let you do that," I try to persuade him to save his money for something more important.
"Well good thing you're not letting me, I'm forcing you to buy things with my money. And I'm kind of offended you think there's anything else I'd like to spend my money on more," he says trying to lead me to the shelves.
"You're in college Oliver, whether you can afford it or not you shouldn't be wasting your money."
"First of all nothing would ever be "wasted" on you at all. Second of all I just got paid so I have plenty of money to spend," he tries to get it through my head but I still can't accept it. "If you don't start grabbing books I'm going to do it for you and it might not even be books you'll read so I'd rather spend money on things you want." I finally start towards the shelves with a roll of my eyes.
I grab three books within a few and he grabs them from my arms as I try to look at the other ones. "I can hold my own books Oliver," I respond, exasperated by this man.
"But you don't have to. Plus, I have nothing to do but watch you and people are starting to look at me so I need a job," he says matter of factly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you bored? We can go do the other thing you have planned." I start to feel bad for wasting his afternoon.
"Ams, keep looking for books. We aren't leaving until I have at least five books in my arms. I enjoy watching you pick up books and how your eyes light up when you read what it's about. I wouldn't have picked this as what we did today if I didn't enjoy doing it," he sounds sincere so I turn back to the books.
"I've been meaning to get some new books but haven't really gotten the chance so thank you for this," I don't elaborate anymore than that but I needed to thank him.
"Of course, you're pretty nice to look at anyways so thank you." The humor is back in his face and I can't help but smile back.
*****
After about two hours, because I'm indecisive and Oliver is really distracting, Oliver is holding four books and I'm holding 2, trying to decide between them. Oliver just grabs them both from my hands and adds them to the pile before looking at me expectantly.
"What?" I ask trying to figure out why he's looking at me like that.
"I'm just waiting for you to move on to the next section," he responds patiently.
"I'm done, let's go to the register," I say and start leading him to the front.
"You can get more Ams," he's still trying to get me to buy more.
"Trust me, six is plenty."
"Okay whatever you say," he knows he can't win this one.
When we get to the register he whispers in my ear, "I'll be right back," I shiver as he retreats back towards the shelves. When he emerges from the back of the store he's holding five more books.
"What are you doing?" I ask, completely confused as to why he has more books.
"You wanted these books, I could tell. However, your pride wouldn't let you spend too much so I got them for you," something inside me melts at that. That he can read me that well. That he's willing to take the time to grab them even though we've been her for over two hours. That he actually paid attention even though he didn't have to.
"You're absolutely ridiculous," I act unbothered but the gleam in his eyes as he sees me smile tells me he knows how I really feel.
"Well to be fair one of these is mine."
"Oh okay, obviously."
He just smiles at me as he hands over his card.