Forever Yours

Chapter 2

Song: Bigger Than The Whole Sky - Taylor Swift

Day 3

"Please just put the dress on Evelyn, we have to leave in 10 minutes," I sigh, trying not to lose my temper.
    "I don't want to go Amelia," she's crying again.
    "I know but we have to, and then it's all over. After the funeral we're done with plans and surprises okay?"
    "Okay, fine," she finally concedes slipping into the black dress. As she's doing that I go into my room to get ready. When I walk into the bathroom to brush my hair and teeth I look in the mirror and see someone who resembles me but with hollow blue eyes and dull brown hair. I never was particularly pretty but at least I looked more alive than I do now. I lower my eyes to the dress I'm wearing, daisy's cover the entire thing. Mom loved daisy's and when I went shopping to get something for the funeral considering I didn't have anything to wear I knew that she would've loved this dress. It practically screams her name.
    By the time I'm ready to leave Henry looks like he just rolled out of bed. He surprisingly put the clothes on considering I fought with him last night about going but he still looks pretty rough. "Can't you at least do your hair or something?"
    He knows better than to fight me right now and silently turns away and stomps up the stairs to fix his hair. While he goes to do that I go and check on Evelyn. She's ready to go even though I'm not sure she even understands what a funeral is. It's only been three days since they died but I'm still worried about Evelyn and Henry.
    I feel like I'm not letting them grieve properly or I'm going to screw them up. That's the last thing I want to do and I can already tell Uncle Lucas and Aunt Charlotte are going to be zero help whatsoever. They simply just don't care. I don't know what to do because I can't put them into the system but I'm not old enough to move out and adopt them yet.
    My first goal is to graduate. If I graduate then I won't have to worry about school anymore and I can figure everything else out. I've been working constantly the last 3 days because if I stop then my mind starts again and I just can't handle that. I'm almost grateful our "guardians" have been neglectful, it gives me something to do. Whether it's making dinner or going to the store or calling our teachers, it keeps me distracted.
    "I'm ready," Evelyn's words cut through my thoughts and I plaster on a smile. I haven't truly smiled since the accident.
    We walk downstairs and see Henry standing by the door waiting for us. This feels so so wrong. The whole thing feels wrong and it's never going to feel right again. We walk out the door before I can elaborate too much on this. That's how it's been lately, go go go, like I'm trying to outrun the noise in my head.
    I've been terrified to get into a car since the accident and I have to remind myself to breathe before I start driving. Henry used to be able to sit in the front seat and Evelyn used to be able to sit without a booster seat but I make Henry sit in the back next to Evelyn while she buckles up in her booster seat. A lot of things have changed since they left.
    It's weird because I was completely fine when I was driving home from Valerie's a couple days ago. I mean I wasn't completely fine, I was still a wreck but not because I was in a car, rather because my parents had just died. Now, I can't sit in a car without having a panic attack.
    I begged Charlotte and Lucas to not make me drive today but they said they had to go in early to help set up and they didn't need a bunch of kids running around. So, I had to take Henry and Evelyn to the funeral at the same time everyone else is going.
    I've been walking everywhere these past couple of days but the funeral home is too far for us to walk. Driving should give me a sense of control but all it does is remind me that I've only been driving a year and the fact that it's my fault if we wreck and how if I make one simple mistake I could end these two kids lives before they even start.
    It's terrifying having someone else drive me but it's so much worse driving myself and I can feel my breath quickening and my heart rapidly beating in my chest like it wants to jump right out of the car. I'm once again focusing on the dotted line in the middle of the road because for whatever reason it makes my heart slow down just enough where I'm not afraid it's going to actually jump out of the car.
    I cannot have a panic attack right now, it'll just make everything worse and then we'll actually crash, I think to myself. And of course this does absolutely nothing to calm my fears but luckily it's only a 15 minute car ride and we're already there.
I make Henry and Evelyn go inside the funeral home while I sit in the car with my head in my hands trying to calm my breathing. I take a deep breath in for four seconds, hold it for seven, and breathe out for eight. Eventually, my heart rate slows and my hands aren't shaking anymore.
    When I walk in everyone is already there, having their own conversations and I even hear laughing throughout the crowd. It angers me so I focus my attention on the two caskets in the front of the room. The caskets apparently cost too much according to Lucas, as if we could just bury my parents in a wooden box and forget they ever even existed. Which I'm sure both him and Charlotte would be perfectly fine with.
    People walk up to the said caskets to say their goodbyes and whatnot, and as I look around the room and see people I've met maybe once in my life if at all, I realize that funerals aren't for the dead. They're for the living. Whether it's for closure or because you knew someone and didn't treat them how you should've, or to say things that should've been said long ago, and even apologize like you should've done way before they died.
    The dead people aren't here, they don't care who's here or what they're saying. It's to make the living feel better. And suddenly I don't want these people here at all, the only people who should really be here are me, Evelyn, Henry, and maybe a couple other people.
    Once, the ceremony actually starts and the preacher's saying words from the bible and how they'll be missed even though he's never actually met them, I make a mental list of who truly deserves to be at their funeral.
    Whoever comes to my funeral better not be people I couldn't care less about, and who care even less for me, but I know that's not how death works. I know that I don't get to decide who gets to come to my funeral even if I am the one dead.
    I was asked to say some words about my parents but I was very strict on the fact that I wouldn't say anything. Now I know I made the right choice. I genuinely do not want to stand up there in front of these people that never cared about my parents and tell them how great they were. If they didn't see that when they were alive, they don't get to realize it at all and especially don't get to feel guilty for missing out.
    Before I know it there are twelve people, six on each person, carrying my parents to the car and out into the graveyard where they're lowered six feet into the ground followed by more words from people who never truly knew them, and now will never get the chance.
    I take "I'm sorry for your loss" and "our condolences" with a fake smile on my face followed by a "thank you" until my cheeks hurt and my heart feels heavy. I think everyone expected me to cry because they kept looking over at me like they were waiting for me to break.
    Well, little did they know I already broke three days ago and the last time I cried was the night of the accident. I just feel numb and my heart, like I said, feels like it wants to fall right out of my chest and into the ground with my parents. It hurts to breathe and I feel like I need to cry but no tears fall from my eyes.
    "Come on Amelia we're going to dinner," Lucas says, of course we're going to dinner. Why would we go home and grieve? That's ridiculous, why would we dedicate an entire day to my parents? They've had to talk about them for two hours now.
It's not fair, my mom loved them both wholeheartedly and would do anything for them just for them to turn around and not care at all about the fact that they're gone. Both Mom and Dad would've been devastated if the roles had been reversed and Charlotte and Lucas can't even be bothered to feed us.
    Thank God I'm older and know how to cook and function on my own otherwise we'd be completely screwed. I seriously don't have the time or energy for dinner, I have a job interview tomorrow morning and I really need to get to bed. It wouldn't be as big of a deal if I didn't have to get Henry and Evelyn to bed as well but I'm not even going to ask our supposed "aunt and uncle" for help.
    Although they've been acting like the amazing, heartbroken guardians since the funeral started so maybe they'll be a bit more willing to help if I asked in front of everyone. They'll most definitely go back on their promise as soon as we get home though so it doesn't matter very much.
    Answer, I have to remind myself everyone's waiting for me. "Okay, um do you think you could take the kids with you?"
Lucas looks behind his shoulder to everyone watching us before answering, "yeah sure, come on guys." At least that's a weight off my shoulders. I wait until I think everyone's gone before getting in the car. I sit there for a solid thirty seconds before it sinks in and I start hyperventilating. I can't do it, something will go wrong, I'll crash and they'll be left alone, these thoughts and more are running through my head a million miles a minute and I can't make it stop this time.
    Apparently I'm not alone because my heart fully stops when there's a sudden knock on my window. I look up to feel Valerie's brown eyes looking into my most likely terrified blue ones. Crap, how much did she see? I roll down the window so she can talk to me. "Amelia what's the matter? Are you okay?"
    I slow down my breathing as best as I can, forcing my voice to be steady, "yeah I'm fine just about to leave for dinner. Are you guys coming?"
    "Yeah we were about to leave and I saw you in here and you looked... not okay. Are you sure you're alright?"
    My throat closes and I can't tell if it's from panic or the overwhelming need to cry but I squeak out a yes before she goes back to her car. I wait until they leave as well, buying time by pretending to put the restaurant address into my phone before throwing it into the seat next to me and putting my head back in my hands, laying it on the steering wheel in front of me.
    The stress of her possibly finding out about my panic attacks just seems to make it worse. I'm getting lightheaded at this point, either from too much air getting to my brain or not enough. I'm not sure but it's definitely not helping the situation at all.
I don't know what to do, I've already been here for eight minutes since Valerie left and my phone keeps going off and I think I've calmed down enough to at least drive when my phone starts ringing for the millionth time which just sets me spiraling again. They're waiting on me and they're going to see right through me as soon as I walk through those doors. I do my breathing technique, in for 4, hold for 7, and out for 8 for about ten more minutes and eventually I'm calm enough to grasp the black steering wheel with my shaky hands.
    The breathing technique continues as I stare at the dashed line, turn to solid and back to dashed over and over again until I safely get to the restaurant. My breathing is still heavy and my heart's still beating in my chest but it helps when I'm out of the car so I stand in the parking lot for another five minutes before getting the nerve to actually walk into the restaurant.
    I'm pushing through the glass doors when someone grabs my wrist and pulls me to a far corner in the old restaurant, "Where were you, we've all been waiting. You made me look like an idiot, especially when you wouldn't answer the damn phone."

                                               
Chapter 2 done! What's your favorite food? I'm genuinely starving right now and I don't have any food. Do you ever want food but like you have no idea what you actually want? I have no idea what exactly I want but I'm so freaking hungry.
Sorry, I'm rambling.

Word count: 2,306