Before the Ever Green (BTEG #1) ✔️

Chapter 45

I couldn't sleep last night. When Allison went to bed, I just stayed on the couch in thought. I have so much to think about, though. And I can't get the last thing Allison said to me out of my mind, "A life with magic is a much harder one." In a way, I have known this all my life. I knew a life with magic would always be harder than one without, but I never thought I would have a choice. In fact, until a month ago, I didn't think I would ever have magic. I guess Mom was just too scared to tell me the secret, but why should she have been scared? What was there to be scared about?
I pull my knees to my chest, and put my head in my hands. My brain hurts. I hurt. I don't want to have to choose. Where Allison is concerned, there is no choice, but for me-I have a choice. The stone is still out there. There are still options, even if they may not seem the most wise. There are a million options.
But, I can only choose one.
One out of a million. And, I have been entrusted to make the right choice. But, in this, how am I supposed to know what the right choice is? I have to make up my mind. I have to choose good or bad, but each option isn't put into a category, so I know which I am picking. I want to pick good, but what is good? What is bad? Doesn't everyone have a reason for what they do? Shouldn't we believe that everyone has good intentions? Everyone's mind goes to what we think to be good. But, we don't think of the bad things.
If you stole an apple, you were thinking that you were hungry and didn't have any money. But, you didn't think of what it does to the apples owner. Usually our thoughts lead right to our person. So, how can I be entrusted to make a good decision for the world?
I hear footsteps coming down the stairs. Thump, thump, thump. I see Brit turn the corner. I look at the small clock on the wall, 3:08 a.m. "What are you doing up?" I ask
"What are you doing up? You never came in, I was getting worried." She sits on the couch next to me
"Oh...I just needed to be alone. The couch is comfortable."
"Everything okay? You seem...sad."
I shrug, "I'm fine. I just have a lot to think about."
She pulls her brows together in confusion, "What is there to think about? We are learning to use our powers, so we can live some-what normal in the world. I don't get how there is anything to really think about. Unless there is something I don't know."
I am looking at her.
"There's something I don't know?"
I nod.
"Can you tell me."
"I wish I could, but I really don't know how, or if I even should. And, it's not that I don't trust you, Brit, but I just can't...I promise I will tell you as soon as I know how, but for now...I just need you to trust that I am making the right decision not telling you."
"Okay." She puts a hand on my leg, "Tell me if you need anything, okay?"
"Okay."
She walks back up to the room. I hear her yawn. She must be tired. She's been working really hard lately, with the magic. She's learned so much. Her and Jaeger, but Jaeger doesn't seem to need to focus as much to do it right. He is more fluent. But, he is also older, and had a few more years of practice with Amelia, before she died.
I have no more thoughts. I pull myself off the couch, and grab a light sweater Allison put on the chair for me, incase I got cold. It is white. I slip it onto my shoulders, before walking out into the cool night. The moon is shining down on me. I look at all the different colors on it's surface.
I am not thinking. Not really. But, it's okay. I take a few steps farther, and before I can think about anything, I at a full speed run. I have to get away. I don't know where I am going, but I just have to go. I will know where I am going, when I get there.
But, for some strange reason, the only thing really caught in my mind is the stone. I can change everything with the stone. I could loose my destiny. Allison would make a much better leader, anyway. I could loose my powers, and live like a normal human-being for once. I could move far away from Placerville. I could leave everything I have ever known. I could start fresh. Be a new person.
I come to a halt. I fall to my knees. I don't know where I am. My eyes sting. My head hurts. And, I-I just sit here, and let everything out to the open night sky. I have so much to think about, but my mind can't hold it all in. My mind needs to let it out to the air. The air is much larger. It can hold so much more information. It has held so many of my secrets that have ate at my soul. It has kept them, too.
Tell a secret to the wind, and let it blow away. The wind will never tell.
I have to let go of everything. That is my duty, right know. I need a clear mind, and the wind will take my thoughts. It will hold them. Harness them, and then blow them far away.