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Chapter 38

**A/N: Hi guys. I can't apologise enough for how longs it has been. I'm sorry I stopped replying to you all, there were just so many comments and messages. I want to thank you all for your patience, and your messages of concern. It has been a hard couple of years which I will try and explain at the end of this chapter. It's short, and nowhere near what you all deserve, but it is all I could muster at the moment. Much love.**

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Chapter 38.

The room had never felt as big as what it did in that moment. So vast and empty. So cold. She was totally gripped with fear, her blood running like liquid ice through her veins as she took in the familiar room. Nothing had changed, not a single thing out of place. And yet it felt so foreign to her. It made her a little sad. She barely heard Hanji clicking the door shut behind her, head spinning towards the sound of the soft noise and realising the spectacled woman was not in the room. She was totally alone. Well, not entirely. Levi was there.

She silently turned back to the captain. There he was, the man she had been so desperate to see all month and yet had wanted to actively avoid in the same breath. He was sat hunched over his desk, scribbling away, no doubt working on some of the never ending paperwork he seemed to have; not a single hair out of place, clad in his usual uniform, eyes fixed on the paper in front of him. He had either not heard Illyria enter the room, not heard Hanji’s knock; or he was choosing to ignore her for the time being. Illyria wasn’t sure which one was worse. She swallowed hard, her heart pounding wildly in her chest, threatening to break through her ribcage at any second. She pinched the tips of her fingers nervously, focusing on trying to breathe as silently as possible so as to not attract his attention. God this was torture. Waiting. Not knowing what he was going to say, how he was going to react, what he had called her here for. And yet she did not want him to look up. She wanted to talk to him, wanted him to say something to her... anything... yet she was terrified of what he would say. She had thought long and hard about everything she wanted to say to the man, thought about how to express herself, to try and explain the situation. And yet right now in this moment, her mind was blank. Everything she had tried to prepare herself for, thrown out the window in his presence.

The silence seemed to stretch on between them for an eternity. Every second seemed to linger, causing her anxiousness to only escalate. A part of her thought he was doing this on purpose, making her stew in her emotions for a moment or two. Maybe he was trying to figure out what to say himself? She doubted it though. Levi wouldn’t call her to his office unless he already knew exactly what it was he wanted to say. Eventually she couldn’t take it any longer. She cleared her throat, swallowing hard and took a small breath.

“Sit down.” The sound of his voice made her breathing hitch in her throat, cutting through the thick atmosphere of the room. His tone was stern, detached and authoritive; leaving absolutely no room for question or compromise. He was still writing, his eyes not yet leaving the sheet of paper in front of him. Illyria took timid steps forward, breathing out a breath she didn’t realise she had been holding and took a seat opposite the raven haired man, silently waiting.

Levi’s eyes finally lifted from his work, piercing silver orbs glancing at her for a lingering second before averting again. He straightened, sliding the sheet of paper out of the way with a sigh.

“You look a fucking mess.” He states, locking eyes with the woman in front of him. Illyria immediately felt intimidated, averting her gaze and licking her lips nervously. What was she meant to say to that? Of course she looked a mess, she hadn’t been allowed clothes, barely allowed regular showers, there was only so much she could do in that shitty cell. She thought for a moment that maybe Levi was just trying to get a reaction out of her, trying to upset her and make her feel small. It had worked. She knew she looked like shit, and sitting like this in front of the man who she had previously been sleeping with was humiliating beyond belief.

Levi reaches into the drawer of his desk, seemingly done with the conversation for now and pulls out several sheets of paper and a pen, sliding them across the desk to the woman in front of him.

“A formal letter of apology. A verbal apology will follow, in the presence of two superiors, and stable duty for the next four months.” Illyria’s eyes narrowed slightly, a small defiant frown fixing itself onto her face as she turns her glare back to the captain. He holds her gaze with an unreadable one of his own.

“Problem, Light?” he queries, his tone almost threatening, as if challenging her to say something, daring her to give him a reason to unleash his anger which was obviously still simmering away under his cool exterior. She swallows, eyeing the paper in front of her for a moment, contemplating her response. She had just spent a month locked up in a dirty grimy cell. As far as she was concerned that was punishment enough. It seemed like the captain was purposefully trying to make her suffer unfairly for her actions. She licked her lips, shaking her head as her fingers curl around the pen.

“No.” She replies, her voice hoarse and raspy, barely audible. She resigned herself to the punishment. It wasn’t important. If this was what she had to do in order to return to a bit of normality, she would do it. She just wanted the opportunity to talk to him. She picked up the pen and slowly began writing, taking her time. Her eyes flicked up to Levi. Once, twice, three times. He saw it, but did not respond. She stared intently at the paper.

“Levi, I want...”

“You will address me accordingly, Light.” She froze, snapping her gaze up to the man before her, a look of defeat etched onto her features. His tone had been the same emotionless timbre he always had, but there was a definite bite to it. That had hurt. A lot more than what she thought possible. Did he really hate her that much? Was he really well and truly done? She swallowed hard, struggling to hold his intense eye contact but fighting to anyway, ever resilient. She needed to talk to him, needed to apologise, to try and explain.

“Please? I am so, so sorry.” She whispers, her voice threatening to break at any moment, eyes pleading with him to just hear her out, just give her a second to try and say something... anything.

“Save it. I don’t want to hear your apologies.” Levi snaps out, eyes cold and unforgiving. Illyria felt her heart jump into her throat at his tone, but she couldn’t just give in. God only knew when she would be able to talk so freely to the captain again; she had a feeling he certainly wouldn’t be calling her to his office on a regular basis anymore.

“Levi, I made a mistake. I- I jumped to conclusions and... I don’t know what came over me.” His eyes narrowed slightly, expression twisting into a mix of anger and disbelief, like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“I’ll tell you what came over you, Light. You let your emotions spiral out of control based on a hunch. You beat the shit out of a woman, out of pure jealousy. Your mistake, did irrevocable damage. And if nothing else, it showed me exactly what you think of me.” Illyria shook her head, desperately.

“No... it’s not...”

“Yes. It is.” He cut her off again, eyes hardening even more.

“You doubted my integrity. You were so convinced that I was fucking around with another woman, you beat the shit out of her without even talking to me about it. Without any word or warning, just jumping straight to conclusions and deciding to deal with the matter on your own. You purposefully avoided me, disobeying a direct order to meet me in my office. If you had actually done as you were told for once, the whole incident could have been avoided. But instead, you were defiant. Your mind already made up. And now, you face the consequences.” Illyria felt her shoulders sag slightly in defeat. He wasn’t wrong. If she had gone to his office like he had requested, maybe, maybe, things could have been resolved. If she had returned to his office later that night, maybe Petra would have left and she would have gotten her answers immediately?

But she had been hurt. Hurt and angry and confused. What did he expect from her? For her to not care? She sighed a little. She doubted very much that Levi would have been open and honest with her even if she had gone to his office as requested. He had danced around the subject when it had been breached in the cell; avoiding questions, refusing to give direct answers. She remembered how angry Levi had gotten seeing her with Nile. Why was it he was allowed to feel jealousy and she wasn’t? Though, in all fairness... Levi had not exactly been supportive of the plan with Nile, and he had made it quite known. And even though the creepy man had danced with her and flirted with her, even kissed her, he had kept his cool. He hadn’t let his thoughts and emotions spiral out of control and attacked the man... not like how she had... and there hadn’t even been anything going on. She had fucked up. Really, really fucked up. Levi regarded her coldly, shaking his head a little; that one little gesture telling her so much. He couldn’t believe how she had reacted, couldn’t believe she thought these things about him. She could feel the disappointment radiating off him in waves, the anger; and underneath all of that, perhaps, a little hurt. He grit his teeth, tearing his gaze away.

“Are you finished?” he asked, eyes now glued to the sheets of paper in front of her. She blinked, glancing down at the very few words she had written.

“N-no... not...”

“Get to it.” He stated, cutting her off and picking up his own papers, starting to read silently, no longer giving her the attention she clearly desperately craved. Illyria pressed her lips together, looking down at the sheet, hand trembling as she started to write. She was so overcome with emotions, tears stinging her eyes, trying so hard to not let them fall, letting her hair drop to cover her face a little. She didn’t want him to see her so upset. Though she knew he would probably get no satisfaction from it, she was far too proud, especially considering how cold he was being. A few minutes pass, her mind full of thoughts and questions.

“What happens now?” the words left her lips without her permission, one of many questions that she had been thinking of being voiced aloud. Levi blinked, gaze flicking to her.

“What do you mean? I thought I was quite clear?” he replies, tone neutral, no humour or light hearted teases present. It was cool, calm and collected; as ever. Illyria gives a subtle shake of her head.

“I don’t mean with the apology... or with Petra...” God she couldn’t... she couldn’t ask him. She wanted to, god she wanted to; she wanted to know where she stood, was there any way possible she could make things right? Anything she could say or do to make him stop looking at her like he hated her, like she was shit on the bottom of his shoe. She didn’t expect him to return to normal, brush everything under the carpet and forget everything that had happened. But was it an option that they could even work towards something amicable, with all absence of antagonism? Or was even that asking for too much?

Levi’s eyes narrowed slightly, expression hardening.

“Nothing happens now, Light. You return to your duties as a soldier, and I to my duties as your superior.” The words cut her deeply and she can’t help but smile humourlessly.

“Right... so that’s it then? You’re going to cut me off because of one silly misunderstanding? One mistake?” her upset was quickly being replaced with rage. How could he do this? Did he really not care for her at all? Had what they’d  been doing really meant so little to him? Did she really mean so little to him? She saw the man’s jaw clench, eyes shining with contempt.

“Your silly mistake put a woman in hospital, Light. Do you have any idea of what you caused?” he spat venomously, his own blood boiling. “What do you expect me to do? Hm? Just forgive and forget? Pretend? Act like you were justified in your actions? Like the things you said and your assumptions didn’t bother me at all?” Illyria snapped, slamming her palm down hard on the desk as she jumped to her feet, eyes fierce, jaw set as she glared at the man across the table from her.

“I expect you to give me the chance to make things right! To explain! To talk! Isn’t that how relationships work? You don’t just act like this as soon as one person does something you don’t like!” her voice seemed to have found its strength again, coming out much louder, much stronger than she had anticipated, though it still held a slight tremble, the hurt seeping through just slightly. Levi’s reaction was instant, his face showing his obvious disdain, twisting into a vicious enraged scowl as he also stood.

“Sit down!” he bellowed back, his voice twice as aggressive as hers, eyes piercing, threatening her to push him just that little bit further. His expression reminded Illyria of last month, back in her cell. She had never seen him look at her like that. She had seen so many expressions on the captain’s face during their time together; she had seen him peaceful, seen him indifferent and yes, seen him angry... but this was different. That had been different. His wrath had been all consuming, much like now. His reaction had surprised her and she struggled to find words, but the raven haired man didn’t allow her time to speak anyway.

“You have no right to come in here and demand anything from me. Where was your desire to talk last month, Light? Or do you only choose to communicate when it suits you? I do not owe you a damn thing. Not an explanation, not closure, and certainly not a justified reason for my decisions. We are not in a relationship. We never were. You will do well to remember that.” Illyria felt his words smother the fire inside her. Her heart hurt. She grit her teeth, holding his cold gaze with a heated one of her own, fire meeting ice.

“So that’s it?” she asked almost disbelievingly, eyes showing her hurt for the situation. The embers of her fury finally cooling, dying out and turning to ashes.

“That’s it.” Levi responded with a subtle nod of his head, immovable in his decision, his resolve never wavering. Illyria was defeated. Swallowing thickly she felt the remaining fight in her disappear. She had really thought if she could just talk to him, just explain, he would understand. But the man wouldn’t even listen, wouldn’t even hear her out.

A thick silence formed. Illyria didn’t know what else to say, what could she say really? She finally averted her eyes, looking back at the papers in front of her and resignedly sat down, picking up the pen with a shaky hand, proceeding to continue trying to write her letter of apology to Petra. Levi sat once she had started writing and the silence continued, neither one of them knowing what to say, or not wanting to say anything, Illyria wasn’t sure which one it was.

Finally she placed the pen down, sliding the papers across the desk to the captain who was staring at her intently, watching her every move. She didn’t even look up, keeping her eyes fixed to the desk.

“Will that be all, Sir?” her voice was quiet and soft, hands holding onto each other and resting in her lap as she waited patiently for further instructions or to be dismissed like a proper soldier should.

“That will be all. Go and take a shower and get breakfast. After that Hanji will talk you through the necessary steps moving forward.” She gives a small nod and gets to her feet, saluting weakly, purposefully avoiding meeting his stare and turned on her heel, exiting the office. The cool air of the corridor was a welcome sensation across her skin, cooling down her burning cheeks. She took a deep breath, trying to not give in to her emotions. That did not go well... at all. She ran a hand through her matted and dirty hair, groaning a bit as her fingers get caught in the knots. Fuck. Fuck! She blew it. Whatever it was that was going on between them, she had ruined it. Was there anything there for her to ruin to begin with though? Really? She didn’t know. There were times where she had thought things were more than what either of them were letting on. Times where she had felt it. Times where it had felt more than just sex. More than just fun. The night he had tended to her wounds after the whipping, the night when the two of them had rowed about her involvement in the plan with Nile. The time he had let her stay over, had asked for her to stay with him. The kiss. Was it all really nothing to him? Had she read far too much into it?

Illyria didn’t know, and she doubted she ever would. She let out a heavy sigh, turning to head through the corridors to her room, desperate for a shower and a clean change of clothes.

She was grateful that nobody was in her room. She wasn’t sure if she could face people right now. Honestly she felt like she could burst into tears at any moment, her eyes stinging, stomach twisting with nausea. She felt like an idiot. How on earth could she allow herself to get wrapped up in this? Allow herself to fall for him? He had quite categorically stated that their arrangement was just that...an arrangement. Something that they would both benefit from, but he was her captain first and foremost. He had not ever given her reason to truly believe it was anything more than that. Fine, he might have been softer towards her, but that could be due to several reasons.

Maybe he actually did care for her, but not to the extent that she wanted him to? Maybe he was trying to rectify his actions due to her being so upset with him after he had kicked her out the first time all those weeks ago? Maybe he realised he was being too hard, and was just trying to make things less awkward? Or maybe he just got swept up in it too, just like she had, wrapped up in the moment and forgotten just who she was and what they were. She clearly had. It was easy enough to do. But never, not once had he ever clarified that what they were doing was serious, or even could potentially turn serious. God, Illyria wondered if that could have ever happened? Could his feelings have developed with more time? Could he ever have seen her as more than just a bit of fun? She would never know now...

She bit the inside of her lip hard as she gathered up her shower essentials and a clean towel and clothes, making her way to the showers. It felt so good to stand under the warm water and wash all the filth from her body that had built up while she had been in the cell. It wasn’t that she hadn’t been able to wash, but it was hardly the same rinsing yourself down with a damp rag and a bowl of water, which is what she had had to do most times. She allowed her tears to finally fall freely as she cleaned herself down, needing to let it out and preferring to do it now while she was alone. How was she meant to face everyone? She was so embarrassed... people would want to know why she had gone to such drastic measures; what was she meant to say?

She had no idea. She dreaded the thought of facing everyone again, answering their questions, putting up with their accusatory and disappointed stares. She wondered if she could convince Eren to bring her food to her room for her; that way she wouldn’t have to sit in the mess hall with everyone else. But what about training? Was she even allowed to train with other people now? Hanji would probably have the answers...

Once she was clean and dried, dressed in clean uniform she tried to pull herself together, rubbing her red eyes and wiping away her tears. She felt pathetic. Crying over a guy who didn’t even care about her. This wasn’t who she was. She gave her head a quick shake, putting on a brave face and made her way out of the showers. The walk back to her room felt like it was never ending. It felt like every person she passed was looking at her oddly, giving her a strange look or whispering or laughing about her. She had no idea if that was actually the case or not, but it certainly felt that way. Like she was being talked about, judged; like everyone knew exactly everything about her. Like they knew she had been sleeping with Levi and had just gone crazy with jealousy that was so unnecessary. She picked up her pace, eager to get to the sanctuary of her room.

“Hey! Illyria!” she stopped, turning to the voice and was immediately wrapped in a tight hug. She couldn’t help but smile as Eren squeezed her reassuringly. He pulled back and looked at her with a beaming smile.

“You’re finally out.” He stated, giving her a playful jostle. Illyria appreciated his normalcy, how he didn’t seem affected by what she had done. He still saw her as her. Not some crazy woman who would attack at the drop of a hat. He didn’t give her odd or cold stares, or whisper behind her back. She was grateful to have Eren.

“Yeah, finally. It... feels weird though.” She admits with a small smile, arms wrapping around herself almost defensively. He gives a sympathetic smile.

“Well, yeah... I guess it will for a few days. But it’s great to have you back among us.” She gave a small smile, glancing over his shoulder and noticing Levi rounding the corner, walking towards the mess hall. Eren follows her gaze, turning back to her with a sheepish smile.

“So... have you two spoken?” he asked and Illyria sighed, nodding her head, a sad expression crossing onto her features as she lowers her head to look at the floor.

“Yeah...” Eren didn’t pry any further. Despite popular belief, he was far from an idiot. He could read the room pretty well and could clearly see judging from her response that the talk with the captain had not gone well. He smiles softly.

“You want to go and get dinner with me?” Illyria glances at him. Eren was such a kind and sweet boy, and right now, she really needed his company, even if a part of her felt that she really didn’t deserve his kindness. She shook her head.

“Actually, can... we eat in my room? I’m not really ready to face everyone just yet.” She admits, shuffling a little on the spot. Eren nods.

“Alright. I’ll go and get us both something and meet you there.” He wraps his arms around her again, hugging her tightly.

“It’s really good to see you, Illyria. I’ll be back in a bit.” He gives her a kind smile, letting her go and heading off towards the mess hall. Illyria sighs, running a hand through her hair and turns back towards her room. She steps inside, closing the door behind her and making her way to her bed with a loud grunt, staring up at the ceiling. It felt like it had been forever since she had last lay here, in a somewhat comfortable bed. She felt her muscles relaxing slightly, eyes closing as she took in the silence, waiting patiently for Eren to return.

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**A/N:
I'm sorry it is short. But I really wanted to try and put something together for you all. Unfortunately I don't have much time to write right now. We lost my grandad, and in between working two jobs I'm also caring for my nan. His death also hit me pretty hard and I have been struggling a lot with inspiration.

I think a part of the delay is also because I wanted it to be amazing considering how much time has passed, and was nervous of posting anything incase people were disappointed. But I've decided to bite the bullet so to speak.

Unfortunately I can't advise as to when the next chapter will be up. I have made a start, and I have plans for what I want to do. But I am struggling for a suitable ending considering this was meant to be just a self indulgent, smutty one-shot and somewhere along the lines, somewhat of a story started to form 😂

Always happy to hear your thoughts/opinions etc, though I'm not on this specific app much, I love reading your comments. I'm also going to try and be more active on Tik Tok in the new year so feel free to follow me on there.

Merry Christmas all!