Experiment of the cursed walls (Dc Universe)

Memories

Mariyan POV

Waking up, opening my eyes for the 6th time...The 6th time in this place and I still find it unbelievable to think less than 16 days ago I was sitting down in a Orphanage eating grits and less than a month later I'm eating  rice, soup and toast... I wouldn't mind if the proportions of the rice weren't so stingy but I'm surprised the food is at least half decent and I asked for water but apparently soup is all you drink.

I mumble under my breath and decide to stop complaining and keep eating and the first thing I think of is a joke a streamer made...Not a very good one, but she was an animator of sorts and would animate on steam.

I remember trying so hard to be like her, I wanted to draw and animate and do so many things but in the end I was never talented enough for that stuff and now I'm here..."Fitting for me is it not?" are the only words I can think to myself and to some degree I deserve to be in here or dead.

It's not even just animation, I wanted to get into Singing, Martial arts, sports and at one time I even wanted to get into ballet or gymnastics.

It's considered really feminine but I wanted to get into it, I  remember watching clips online of the Olympics in Russia and Japan and all I could think was... I wanted to be one of those people, imagine having so many people admire you and having something that few people have.

"Talent"... That's the word for it, from so young I was always told that everyone had talent and something they are good at but how many people end up working a miserable job and dying worthless and obscure.

A part of me wants to believe that's true, from birth we are always taught to ignore the bad things and a part of me wishes that I simply...Couldn't think at all, just sitting down and being unable to comprehend anything from the most basic of speech to even matter or feeling itself...Just imagining the entire world as one eldritch entity I cannot possibly comprehend at all.

That way I wouldn't feel like this, I wouldn't feel jealous, anger, happiness, sadness and I'd just... Exist without even partially comprehending my own existence and everyday movements. What is happiness or emotions and anything in general if you cannot comprehend them?

Almost as if it's on a completely different color spectrum that animals can see but we cannot no matter how much we possibly try or want to see and describe the color we cannot...Or how a blind person sees nothing, not black but simply nothing and no one but that blind person can understand what "nothing" really is. No, nothing is the absence of something and in order to understand what nothing is you have to understand what something is and if you cannot understand what something is then is "nothing" simply nothing or simply something that others may view is nothing?

God I feel so weird, my mind is fucking with me...Man I wish I was back on Ibuprofen, 3 or 4 pills hurt my chest and made it ache but I felt...I understood myself, I felt like the pain made me realize who I am, the small aching pain in my chest and the thoughts in my mind for once clear...For once the thoughts felt clear and pain turned from something I feared to something I felt like was a part of me.

The first time I realized myself I had taken about 3 or 4 pills...600ml of Ibuprofen per pill and a part of me hoped I would overdose and die but that didn't happen and I should've expected that from a pill mostly used to treat pain. I laid down in bed and all i could do was laugh but why did I laugh?

The hell did I know but I felt like i could understand myself,  I couldn't think and I didn't have pants on but that didn't matter, nothing mattered and when I looked around everything felt like a dream and I can remember it...

Grabbing the knife from the kitchen and inspecting it, not even putting a thought into what I was doing until I put it in the palm of my hand and pulled the knife fast...But the first time it didn't scratch me but it hurt and so I did it the second time but it did nothing.