CLOSER (SAM FENDER)

TWENTY

Sam

I wanted to sit down and tell Violet everything, but it took me a few days to actually figure out how to explain things to her.

I knew if I went all in and just started tossing out confessions, she'd dismiss me entirely. I also knew telling her about Jake would be the hardest part, and there was a good chance she wouldn't believe me, but it was the part of the story she probably needed to hear more than anything else.

By Thursday, I had a plan for action. I'd tell her when she got home from work while Jake was still at work himself. I gave myself the deadline of Thursday because I knew I'd hold myself accountable. I'd kept busy Tuesday and Wednesday with studio work for the final mixing of the album, and the band kept me preoccupied. Jake hadn't been in the studio much since we returned home and I wondered if he had completely fallen back into his old patterns. Part of me wondered if he even wanted to be in the band at all. He seemed uninterested at a handful of our American shows. It was almost like he was stringing himself along to get by but none of us could ever figure out why. He never told us anything, just blew it off and pretended he was always fine and would go into his bunk or his hotel room and call Violet. The memory of hearing him on the phone with her every night tore me up. Those were some of my worst days. Struggling to keep her off my mind while Jake got all the good parts of her, only for him to come home and fall right back into his old ways.

I shook the thoughts from my head as I walked up the sidewalk to our house and met myself in the front door. Typically, I'd have a few hours until Violet would be home but it caught me off guard seeing her wrapped up on the couch in a blanket.

"Hey..." I said nervously as I closed the door behind me. She half smiled and I noticed the bags under her eyes. "Ya'lright?"

She shook her head. "Feels like I can't breathe. Chest cold." I could hear her wheezing as she spoke and frowned.

"Need a tea or anything?"

She shook her head again. "I'm not really in the mood. I have some water."

I nodded and shoved my hands in my pockets nervously. "Jake around?"

She shrugged. "He didn't want to get sick so he went to work early this morning. I haven't heard from him."

She rolled over, her back facing me as I nodded once. "Well...let me know if you need anything."

She mumbled a thanks as I retreated to my room, rubbing the back of my neck along the way. I couldn't tell Violet anything while she was sick. That wasn't fair to either of us, but I was bursting at the seams to get my truths out. I sank to my bed and grabbed my acoustic guitar, strumming it lightly and singing some of the new songs we'd added to the album quietly. I grabbed my notebook off the bed and flipped through some pages, jotting words down here and there and reading through have written songs that never made the cut. I was surprised to find so many about Violet. Once I started looking through them, I couldn't look away. There were fragments of our friendship everywhere, and pieces of my feelings left like a paper trail. I dug out a few older notebooks that were buried in my drawer and began flipping through those, only to find more of the same there.

She'd been in everything I'd written for a long time. How had I noticed realized I was in love with her?

When I finally glanced at my phone, a few hours had passed. I stretched, immediately hearing my stomach growl in hunger. I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast and it was nearing six now. I wondered if Violet would want something to eat, and maybe that would be a good way to initiate a conversation with her. I left the bedroom casually and walked into the living room. The television was on low and when I neared the couch, I could see Violet shaking.