CLOSER (SAM FENDER)

THIRTEEN

Sam

I couldn't get enough of Violet.

Every chance I had, I'd steal a glance or a kiss, or let my hands find her waist, her arms, anything. Passing her in the hallway while Jake was in the kitchen or sneaking out back for a smoke late at night only to find her out there waiting for me. It was all so incredibly wrong and we were dangerously close, but nothing mattered. Nothing mattered except for her.

We were treading on thin ice, but neither of us seemed to care. Anytime I thought I was talking sense into myself, I would find a way to justify what we were doing. And the justification lied within the way we felt about each other. Every time we touched, it was electric. It never fizzled and never faded. It was a high-intense energy that left us burning for more for days. That had to mean something. At least that's what I told myself. I reminded myself of it daily when I would start to question the morality of the situation.

The only time I struggled was late at night when I was asleep in my room, and Violet was on the other side of the wall asleep in hers. I'd stare at the wall as if I could see straight through it to her and I wondered if she was doing the same. Did that electric current travel through the plaster and the drywall for her in the same way it did for me? Were Jake's arms wrapped around her the way mine would have been if I was the one in bed with her. Those thoughts were the ones that sent me over the edge. The thoughts where truth and reason came into play and I realized, she wasn't actually mine. Not all the way. Not yet. And we needed to talk about it.

But every time we tried, Jake showed up. We'd scatter quickly anytime we heard him. We'd become masters at sneaking around, and it made me feel terrible. It ate at Violet the same way it ate at me, but not enough to stop us. The gnawing feeling that clutched my stomach at night and twisted it into knots, didn't stop me from finding her in the morning while Jake showered, and pressing my lips against hers.

I knew it was terrible.

Deep down I knew how awful this was. When the news would finally be discussed, I'd lose a bandmate and a lifelong friend over this whole thing. I wondered if it all was worth it, and then I'd look at a Violet and realize it was. It definitely was.

Jake was just as guilty as us. He was sneaking around with the same girl I'd seen him with at the bar. I followed him late one night when he said he needed to head into work for an emergency. It was a night when the band was going to rehearse as a whole even, but Jake dipped out on all of us, and I needed to see why. I found him at a posh restaurant downtown, with the woman from the bar. It hurt me for Violet, but not as much as before we started our...whatever it was we started.

What should have happened was we should have all told each other the truth. We should have sat down and admitted our tryst, and let Jake admit to his own. But we hadn't. At least not yet. And there was no reason to keep going like this. Violet and I needed to have a serious conversation about everything. I think we both knew it deep down inside. I knew I'd eventually have to tell her about Jake, and I knew it would hurt her, even though she had me to run to.

But...what was I to her exactly?

Sometimes the thought rattled me. Did I mean as much to her as she did to me? Is that why she hadn't pressed the issue of Jake more? Was this just...fun?

We'd been doing this for weeks. This casual little dance where we would secretly wind each other up and sneak around routinely. It was risky and it was hot, but it didn't satisfy everything I wanted, when all I really wanted was for her to be mine.

"Sam, did you hear me?" Dean shoved a slice of pizza in his mouth from the sofa as I sat in the chair lazily adrift in my thoughts, my eyes darting to Violet who sat at the kitchen table. Every once in a while we'd hold each other's gaze and I'd half smile and bite my lip. The need for her burned inside of me like a forest fire. I couldn't control it, and what's worse was I didn't want to.