So Many Secrets.

maybe getting okay

When I wake up this time, I'm curled into Severus' side. He's very warm. I feel groggy. My head doesn't feel right. 

I let out a groan as I try to sit up. My head hurts an awful lot. So does my stomach. My vision is blurrier than it usually is without my glasses. It's all blobs and colors. Nothing else.

"Mmmm..." I groan, lying back down. I pull the covers above my head, burrowing back into Severus' side. I think he was reading me a bedtime story. That's why he's in bed. "Severus..."

It hurts. 

I let out a small whimper. I don't like being sick. I'm still afraid I'll get into trouble for being sick, even if I know Severus said it was fine. I know it's okay because he promised me that it was okay to be sick. It still sucks. 

"Severus...."

I feel him moving, and I feel a hand in my hair. I hear him groan a bit and sit up.

"Harry? What's the matter?"

"Don' feel good," I mumble. My arms wrap around my stomach tightly, trying to somehow stop the pain. "It really hurts."

I sniffle and close my eyes a little tighter. I want to go back to Hogwarts. I want Neville. 

"I'll go get a potion. Sit tight, you're gonna be fine," Severus says quietly. "Look on the bright side, one more day without History work."

I think it's supposed to be a joke- weird, coming from Severus- but it isn't very funny. Or, I don't think so. I'd rather be doing History of Magic work than throwing up all day or sleeping for hours. I don't like being sick at all. Everything hurts, my body feels weighed down and I don't like to move. 

"Wanna go back," I whisper. "I wanna go back."

"You can't go back to school yet, Hare. You're still very sick."

I frown, curling into a tighter ball. My stomach hurts, I feel nauseous. I want to go back to school. I miss my friends. 

"Come on. We'll go downstairs, you can sit on the sofa and watch the telly. Soup and crackers and you'll be fine in a few more days."

"Will not, I'm dying," I whine childishly. 

"You are not dying," he insists. "Now come on, sit up proper. Drink this, it'll make your stomach feel better."

I drink the potion with a pout. It tastes disgusting, the feeling of it in my mouth is icky and weird. 

"I want to go home," I say again. "I want to go to Hogwarts."

Severus frowns at me, screwing the lid back on the potion bottle. He helps me out of bed silently, bringing me downstairs to the couch. I'm still a little surprised that he has a Telly in his house, with him being a wizard and all, but it's not so bad since I get to watch it now. I never watched telly before. 

"Harry, I know you want to go back to Hogwarts," Severus starts as he begins with breakfast. I start getting comfy, laying out on the couch with my head on the armrest. "But this is for your benefit, and it's for the health of your peers. What if you got Draco ill? Neville? It's best to keep you here until you no longer have a temperature that makes you seem like you should melt at any moment. No fusses, no whining. I mean it."

He brings me over a water bottle with a straw so I down have to sit up. I take it gratefully.

"I'm trying not to be harsh here, Harry, I know how hard this is. I hated being sick when I was your age, too."

"Back in the dark ages?" I joke cautiously, but chuckle a little when I see him smile.

"Ha ha, very funny. Yes, way back in the 70's. Ancient times, those are." He places a plate on the end table, toast with jam, and hands the remote for the telly to me. "I'be got work to do. I'm going to be working on potions until lunchtime, but I'll keep the door cracked. Call if you need me."

He starts to walk away, then turns around with a stern look on his face.

"Do not move from that spot unless it's for the loo, understand? Rest, Harry, rest. I mean it."

I give him a thumbs up. He leaves, I turn on the telly to a random channel. It's really just there for background noise while I sleep.

I drink about half of the water bottle before setting it down. I curl into all of the blankets, successfully cocooning myself in them. I'm warm and toasty. I close my eyes, roll over so my face presses against the back of the couch, and promptly pass out. 

*                                *                              *

I wake up feeling very cold, very scared, and too... awake. I sit up straight away, sending a rush to my head that makes it throb. It's hard to catch my breath for a minute. 

Nightmare.

With a glance at the click, I notice it's well past four in the afternoon. I missed lunch, but I'm not all that hungry, so it's okay. I suppose I'm still used to not eating that I'm alright with it.

I wrap the many blankets around my shoulders, then slowly trudge my way to Severus' office. He said to call if I needed anything, but I don't think my voice would carry that far away. My throat is too sore. I find that the office door is open a crack. I nudge it open enough for me to slip in, feet not coming off the ground as I move.

"Sev?" I mumble, looking up. "Don' feel good."

I watch the floor as I wait for an answer. I hear a sigh, a few things being put down, and footsteps. Then, I feel a hand on my forehead.

"I told you to call for me," he says quietly. "I.... Oh, never mind. What's the matter, Harry?"

"Had nightmare."

"Ah, I see..."

He makes me look up at him, his finger under my chin making me look. I frown a little. The lights are very bright in here, nothing like his office back at Hogwarts. 

"Are you hungry? Did you eat the lunch I set out for you? You never ate breakfast." When I shake my head, he sighs again. "Harry..."

"'M sorry," is my immediate reaction, because he sounds disappointed and I hate when he's disappointed. I've grown to love any sort of praise I can get, anything kind and reassuring, and I hate it when people- but especially Severus- are disappointed in me. "Fell asleep."

"It's alright, Harry. You should just really eat more. Your body needs fuel to fight off the bacteria in your system. It can't do it with the power of water and ice cream alone."

He puts an arm around my shoulder, leading me upstairs and to the bedrooms. He tries to lead me to mine, but I shake my head and turn to his. Mine is too... bare. It isn't really mine yet. It's just empty.

Severus' bedroom is comfortable. It isn't just white walls with white blankets. 

"Please?"

He nods, steering me to his bedroom and helping me into bed. He sighs again. I'm not sure if he's upset, or maybe even tired.

"You should sleep, alright? You're safe. The nightmares aren't real. You're safe."

I climb into bed, burrowing under the covers. The pillow is cold on my cheek and it feels amazing on my face. 

"Want me to stay? I will."

He's aware of how clingy I've gotten in a few months. I think it's because I'm worried this is going to wind up being a dream, I'll wake up back in that cupboard with no Severus, no Neville, no Hermione, no Draco. 

He sits in bed next to me like he can read my mind. He knows I want him here, at least until I fall asleep, just like a little kid. He's got a book, reading as he keeps a comforting hand on my shoulder. My eyes close, and I'm out like a light.

Authors Note: Hi! It's been over a year since I've updated this, but now that my own mental health is in a much better place than it was last year, I'm prepared to update this AT LEAST once a month (hopefully every other week though). I will be finishing this story, along with Living In Safety, the sequel to A Safe Place (Blaise x Harry fanfic). See y'all!