So Many Secrets.

Not getting okay

(y'all im very confused rn so for my own sanity im gonna say in this chapter, it's mid march in the story bc i honestly have not kept track, a lotta shits goin on. k byeeeee)

When I wake up, I feel like death itself.

Everything hurts.

I trudge to the dorm bathroom and sit on the floor in front of the toilet. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I am going to throw up. I need to stop it, I'm not allowed to be sick, I'll get in so much trouble, my Uncle's going to-

But I can't stop the bile from rising up my throat and I vomit. I also can't stop myself from crying. I'm going to get killed. I'm gonna die, I'm not allowed. I'm not allowed to be sick.

I don't know what Snape's rules are about me being sick, but I bet it's not allowed. Nothing is allowed. I have to hide, I have to get out of here. He'll send me back, he's going to send me back to my Uncle and my Aunt and they'll kill me for telling people and-

I take a breath, flush the toilet, grab a jumper, and then I leave the dorm. I don't know what time it is, I just know it's really bloody cold and I don't have anywhere to go.

I climb up stairs, a lot, and go down random hallways until I stop in a corridor, out of breath, scared...

Is it bad that I almost want my cupboard right now?

...

I look up, and my cupboard door is at the end of this hallway.

The hell!?

I run to it even though it terrifies me, because at the same time I want the small space because it's comforting and I just don't know.

It's the same as the one back home, too. My drawings are on the wall, my shitty cot is here, even my stuffed rabbit-

I forgot to grab him when I left! Bloody hell! It's been there for months, I can never get it back now! They probably burned it! They lit it on fire!

I climb inside and I hold my rabbit and cover myself with a few quilts that weren't here a second ago. And it's a bit dimmer, too.

Maybe I'm delusional.

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When I wake up I'm even colder but my pyjamas are covered in sweat and the fabric feels like a million tiny little nails digging into my skin.

I take my pyjamas off and wrap myself in the quilts again.

I want Draco.

I want Neville.

But I can't get caught being sick. I can't.

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When I wake up again I throw up into a bin that was not there when I first got here. This cupboard is weird.

I just want Draco.

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This time I'm not in the cupboard.

This is the Hospital Wing- Wait, no, the beds aren't as comfy in the Hospital Wing. And there aren't any other beds.

And I'm alone.

I don't want to be alone! I want Draco, I just want Draco. Draco, Neville...

And as much as I'm sure he hates me I want Severus, too.

I start crying for what has to be the billionth time today and I hate myself for it but it's fine because I hate myself anyway and no one's here to see me because they all left and I don't know where I am and I'm scared and alone and goddammit my head hurts and I'm going to throw up again-