my brother's best friend

chapter xvi

“my big world”
through elise hampton

"elise"

my gaze contacted with a warm one, warmer than the rays of sunshine that hit my back as i hovered over the balcony.

"devyn" my calm voice resembling his own. i connected the gold pieces of jewelry on my ear, firming their hold.

his soft hands closed the door, silently locking it before his footsteps reached my frame. i glanced at his eyes through the mirror, taking notice of the way his gaze touched mine with a care i have never seen.

glancing down, i avoided the sudden pressure i established between the simple act of eye-contact. the low words escaped my rosy lips "don't look at me with that stare"

his gentle fingers connected with my waist, turning me around, face to face with him. he laced our hands together, am amused smile taking over his silly face "can't i stare at a beautiful girl?"

girl?

i closed my eyes for a second. i was being paranoic since the suspicions of devyn's intentions with me came over my thoughts the other night. i knew my reasons were bad and i acknowledged them but his? i couldn't imagine his mind changing opinions about his best friend's sister over some stupid years.

i felt as if my worth was based on sex.

that would explain some things like his final say on our relationship years ago. he wasn't getting anything more than kisses so he left. however when i saw the caring brown of his pupils, my arguments became worthless.

i wish i was used for sex, maybe that way i wouldn't be guessing myself over a problem i created, like always.

i have been feeling so insecure about our relationship, it was killing me on the inside.

"where are you taking me again?"

the interrogation bought a boyish smile to his lips.

"it is a surprise, from me to you. be patient"

and his lips connected with mine, cutting my following questions out of my mind. he really does know how to kiss.

-

we were at a very fancy lunch restaurant.

"this is very fancy"

i was starting to feel empathetic about devyn, if he couldn't afford a place like this we could eat at any normal restaurant where a plate of chicken isn't 60 euros.

"let me guide you towards your table, follow me please" a young woman spoke.

we followed behind despite my protests.

as we sat down, i could feel the words bubbling on my mouth to be freed.

"so why are we here?"

the sun shone on his face, brightening even more if possible the little curves of his lips and his cleft chin.

"you wanted to meet some people"

and just as my eyes ran through the restaurants, two familiar faces met my gaze. i quickly glanced away, gulping down as my manicured nails hit the keyboard of my phone. the phrase read elsie_barness on my instagram, and i found my heart quickening its pace. the smiling girl on my phone was exactly like the one that walked towards my exact table, along with catherine of course.

"hello"

i kept my gaze down, clicking my iphone shut and rapidly glancing at devyn's figure besides me.

i took notice of how his eyes were directed up as he stood up, shooting an awaiting-to-be-shaken hand. i couldn't help following it, my gaze meeting theirs.

a gulp made its way down my throat as i stood up, scraping my soft yellow manicured nails against each other. a smile of round teeth meet me face to face, catherine's glossy lips forming a carefree expression.

they sat down next to devyn who touched a light hand to my bare leg, i felt my skin crampling at the contact.

we ordered some entrees and while we ate the artesanal bread, i managed to gather the courage to speak.

"so how did you got to know we were lunching here?" they elevated their gazes, a weak voice responding mine "devyn invited us. didn't- didn't you tell her?"

"it's a surprise" he mustered a soft smile my way.

i surveyed their expressions and soon the waitress met us. we ordered, mine consisting of an over-filled salad. catherine and elsie both ordered a steak with egg on top. i pushed the heavily-decorated fork into the quinoa, guiding its content to my mouth. my gaze found their plates, devyn had ordered the same menu. i cleaned my lips with the fabric napkin, glancing at the possibility of having ordered the same plate, yet i didn't. on some part, i would blame it on my mother – every tuesday, it would be obligatory to only eat salads. today was a wednesday.

"so how has life been treating you, elise?"

my gaze elevated and my hand found my gold earrings. my pandora bracelet clinked at the movement.

"it has been very intriguing for sure. what about you, catherine?" i shook my head up and down softly. my eyes found devyn's ones nervously.

"i finished my degree in economics" she smiled shortly "and i actually am settling down" she twinckled her finger, a very clear pearl ring adorning it.

"oh you're engaged?" my eyes widened for a slight second. it was a difficult thought to accept. caty was getting married and i am still blacking out in bars with men i don't recall the names. i glanced down.

"with sebastian" a squeak escaped her lips, her freckled cheeks contorcing in a full smile.

"sebastian? as the sebastian ellison, our next door neighbour, that kissed you on the elevator on your first meet" a similar smile made its way to my face.

i was happy for her. as happy as when we were roommates and she first told me the story with this girlish laugh. not as the woman i had become. the envyous one, that took notice of the way her pearl ring shone. how the only rings i had were gifted by lovers that would marry me but make me somehow the other woman.

elsie held herself quiet through our whole meal.

in the middle of our lunch, i whispered a sweet thank you to devyn. he gave me a quick smile, which confused me for a second.

soon our lunch was over, as slow as it began. i felt strange, after all i was seeing friends i haven't talk in years. the ones that one day were part of my big world, which, i must say, shrinked over time.

they were a part of me one day just as my teachers, my classmates, at this point, anybody i ever met, even nicholas. they altered my life to the better, even if they were bad people, they changed me.

now my life resumes to being around people who can't stand me – my parents, christopher, my co-workers, maybe devyn – and i don't blame them because i became unsufferable. i became so unbearable because i completely lost myself along the way, i lost everyone that had changed me. i became just a depressive alcoholic who was too afraid to get back into her life, afraid of being rejected again, afraid of ending up as her mother and father, afraid of becoming what she was.

they opened my eyes, which once lost their sight, to a new old. an old where i was happy, happy with the way my expensive clothes gave me hope, happy with the way devyn couldn't help but kiss me, happy with the way my brother annoyed me but liked me and finally content with the destiny i had been granted – a big house with too much space, a husband who would dinner with his mistress instead of me, a child who would grow in the arms of a stranger and a mother who would cry in the chest of a self-interested lover.

yet i hated it, i hated it all.

the house, the husband, the child, myself.

i would get lost either way, wouldn't i?