Breathe in, Breathe out • F Odair² •

IX

"This was the easy part,"

•∘♔∘•

On the day of Calypso's first Reaping, Athena threw up twice. Once almost as soon as she woke up and thought about what was ahead, about what might happen, and then again moments before the Reaping began. She had been overwhelmed by the fear and anxiety, and the relief she felt when someone else's name had been called was almost dizzying (it was a relief that came every year when it was not Calypso who was Reaped, and it was a relief that Athena hated herself for every year when she watched someone young and innocent get sent into the horrors of the arena instead). On the day of the Reaping of the seventy-fifth Hunger Games, the third Quarter Quell, Athena nearly threw up again. She sat hunched over the toilet, retching and retching and retching, but nothing came out. Before long, there was a knock on the door and Calypso was asking her if she was alright, and Athena hastened to say that yes, she was fine, she'd be out in a minute and made herself stand again.

Breakfast was had in near silence. It felt quite like the final meal before an execution. Athena could barely taste what she was eating, and soon she had to stop in fear of actually throwing up this time. She was just glad to be around her mother and Calypso, glad to have them physically there near her, living and there and breathing, in then out. She barely took her eyes off them, determined to memorise every single detail of them in these final moments. She was terrified she'd forget them, that in what may be her last living moments there would be something about them she could not remember...

They all sat together after breakfast, huddled close together. Calypso's clothes were still rumpled from sleep, and there were a few streaks of steel grey in her mother's messy hair. It almost hurt to look at them, knowing how soon it'd be before she was away from them again... she could already feel their absence so painfully that it almost felt like she was already gone, like she'd never really been there, never been real. In a way, they were the only real things left. She was tainted and scarred and different now, a Capitol doll, and before long she would look like one again. She wondered how they could still recognize her. She wondered how they could still love her. She shifted so that she was closer to the both of them, her head dropping onto her mother's shoulder, her hand on top of Calypso's. She didn't want to think about it just then.

She tore herself away from them with immense difficulty when it was time to prepare for the Reaping. She dressed carefully, in a form-fitting periwinkle blue dress and shoes to match. She adjusted the blue spinel pendant her mother had given her six years ago today, and let her mother come in to do her hair in the same style as always, two braids tied back like a circlet over loose hair. Athena closed her eyes while her mother's fingers worked through her hair skillfully, taking in the comfort that her touch brought. When she felt her hands leave her hair and opened her eyes, her hair was done and Calypso was there, too. She was looking at Athena through the mirror.

"You've always been so beautiful," she murmured, her eyes shining.

"Come on, Lypso," Athena said with a weak smile, reaching out to take her face in her hands briefly. "I've got nothing on you."

"You should know," her mother said suddenly, her hands on her shoulders. "You should know that... no matter where you go... no matter what you do... we're gonna be here, on your side. Waiting for you to come home. We love you no matter what."

"Yeah, we're on your team until the end," Calypso said. "We'll always be rooting for you."

And Athena's throat felt tight, because this felt awfully like goodbye and she was not ready to say goodbye to them yet, but she still managed out, "I love you too."

She wanted to say something else, something that would make the awfulness of this better for them, but she was at a loss at how to do that when she couldn't even make any of this better for herself. She was being torn away from them, this time perhaps for good, she likely only had a few weeks left to live and she'd be trapped in another arena, away from them, while they watched her die. She had no idea how to minimize that, how to make the weight of that any smaller.