This is me trying

Begin again

~You pull my chair out and help me in
And you don't know how nice that is
But I do~

Tw: mentions of abuse, eating disorders and panic attacks

We arrive at Taylor's house, and get out of the car. "Welcome to your new home!" I laugh, she is so enthusiastic, it's hard not to. "Come on, let's go inside." We walk over to the door and she opens it.  "So, do you want me to show you your room?" "Sure." 

"It's right up the stairs." We walk up the stairs and she points to a room just to the right "This is going to be your room, and my room is that one right across the hall." she points to another door. 

She steps in front of me, and opens the door to "my" room "It used to be a guest room, but we can decorate it if you'd like?" "Yeah, we could." I say, I probably won't stay here long enough, something always happens, and then they send me away.

"So, I'll let you unpack, and then we could have a snack and chat downstairs?" "Sounds good!" "See you in a minute!" she walks out the door. Sounds terrible.

~

I have finished unpacking, but I don't want to go downstairs because
a) We are going to have a snack
b) We are going to have a chat
c) I know she read my file
Pick your favorite option

So I have been procastinating, and to make it sound believable to Taylor, because I don't know how well noise travels through this house, I have been walking around and moving my things. But I have been up here for over an hour, and I think she'll get suspicious soon.

And just like I predicted, I hear footsteps on the stairs, and a knock on the door. "Are you almost done in there Grace? Can I come in?" "Almost done, you can come in." she opens the door and leans against the frame, crossing her arms.

"You know, that was a long hour for the small bag that you brought." "Well I was folding all my clothes, so that took a little while." she walks over to the dresser and opens the drawer, "A little while for the three hoodies and leggings that are in here. Come on, what is really going on."

I look down at the floor and start fidgeting with my fingers, avoiding eye contact. "Grace? You are safe here, you can talk to me about anything." I turn away and zip up my bag, which was still on my bed, and put it in the drawer she just opened. After doing so, I close the drawer again. I still don't look at her, and hope she drops the topic. 

"I'm not going to drop it, so if that's what you're hoping for, you can wait a long time." "Fine, it's just, you read my file. My social worker is the only person that writes stuff in there, so nothing good ever comes out of it." I whisper the last part. "Yeah I noticed, that file does not match with you at all."

"Want to come downstairs with me?" "Sure, why not." we walk down the stairs into the living room, on the table is a bowl of cookies, and I feel panic settle down in my stomach. Taylor sits down on the couch, and I decide to sit on the same couch, but way on the other side.

"So, since our first meeting, have you had any more panic attacks?" I shake my head "Like two small ones, but I got myself out of them before they got bad." that's a lie, I had them almost every day since. "Good, that's good. And from now on, I can help you if you do get them." "Right."

"Do you want a cookie?" "No, uhm, after everything that happened lately, my appetite has been down a little, so I'm good." I quickly make up, at least that lie will be good for a little while. 

"Okay, as long as you eat something for dinner, I wouldn't want you skipping any meals. But talking about everything that has happened. Look I read your file, and I don't know what is real and what is not, but a lot has happened to you while in the system. Have you ever gotten any help?" I know where she is going with this "No I have never gotten help, but I've dealt with it just fine on my own, other than the occasional panic attack, I'm fine."

"Occasional panic attack, and constant anxiety, Grace, shaking hands, your shaky breaths that I see you take all the time, those are signs of anxiety, and too much of it, is not healthy." "I'm fine, just a shaky person. I'm tired, is it okay if I go take a nap before dinner?" "Yeah sure, go ahead." Taylor says quietly.

I get up and walk up the stairs, digging my nails into the palm of my hand, so I don't start to panic. I walk into my room and close my door, I slide down my door to the floor and start crying softly, so Taylor doesn't hear. The last thing I want right now, is for Taylor to make any promises I know she can't keep.

Because she said I was safe here, but my social worker could come take me away any second, plus Taylor is going to realise any moment that she made a mistake taking in a teen, and starts hurting me.

I get up from the ground, incase Taylor comes to check on me. I grab my phone and turn on some music on my earphones, I climb in the windowsill and look out the window.

~

I've been sitting here for a while, forgetting that I'm in the house of the most caring person in the world, so suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder, and instinctively I flinch away from the hand, not knowing who it belongs to.

"Hey, it's just me, you're okay, you're safe." Taylor, I should've known. "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "You and I both know, you are not fine, you don't have to talk to me, but it is okay, not to be okay. As long as you are with me, it's safe to admit that you are not fine." I don't know how to respond to that, but she didn't expect me to. "I came to call you down, dinner is ready." I nod and get up from the windowsill " I really am fine."

So fourth chapter, once again, I have been sick so it took a little longer than I wanted it to. I hope you like the chapter, and if you have any suggestions or tips, they are welcome:)

Sorry for taking so long, I don't know what to write the next chapter about. I'll try to get the next chapter out as soon as possible.