This is me trying

The very first night

~I miss you like it was the very first night~

~Grace's version~

The second I leave Taylor's house, every sense of security fades away, leaving me terrified for what's about to come. My social workers demeanor also changes when we are out of sight. I honestly didn't expect otherwise, this life I had here with Taylor was to good to be true.

As we are driving, my social worker is rambling on and on about how I should behave when I get to the new placement, so I won't give her a hard time and she won't have to move me again. I just sit there in silence. I guess I have to get used to never feeling safe again. I didn't realize how safe Taylor made me feel.

~

About 2 hours later, we arrive at the new placement, I have no clue why it's so far away. My social worker marches up to the front door and rings the bell, me trailing behind her. Before the door opens she puts a smile back on her face for the new foster parents.

The door opens and reveals a middle aged couple smiling at us. They seem nice but I have learned that first impressions are not to be trusted.

"Hi, I'm Kelly, this is Grace, she is going to be staying with you for a bit." "Hi Grace, I'm Jack, this is Ava, it's so nice to meet you." Kelly nudges me with her elbow, obviously to get me to introduce myself. "I'm Grace, nice to meet you." I say while giving a slight smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes.

After introduction are over, Kelly leaves and I stay there with my new foster parents. I have seen the switch between with my social worker there and without, so the second that door closes, my body is filled with anxiety.

Surprisingly they still act nicely, not quite as nice as they were before but nice enough. "So, shall I show you to your room?" Jack asks, as Ava has wandered into the kitchen. I nod and follow him upstairs. "So this will be your room for the time being, I'll leave you to get settled." "Thank you." I mumble.

Jack leaves the room and I turn around to look at the room. It's not that big and very simple, so it's a good room, especially after past placements.

I get the clothes that I packed out of my bag and put them away. When I finish, I grab my phone and sit down on the bed just as there is an incoming call from Taylor.

I just let it ring out, since the chance of me getting back to her some day is extremely small, I should stop being attached to her. When I see the incoming call notification dissappear from my screen, it swaps out for a text notification, and I feel extremely guilty for ignoring her. 

Suddenly I hear Jack call me downstairs, so I get up and walk down the stairs. I see both of them sitting on the couch, Ava motions for me to sit down on the chair opposite of them, so I do. "We wanted to go over a few rules for the time you are going to stay with us. First, you are going to have a bedtime, no going to bed later than 10. We also have set meal times, to make things easier, breakfast at 8, so no sleeping in, lunch at 12 and dinner at 6, it's simple, if you're not here at meal times, no meals for you. Now you don't seem like the yelling kind of kid but no yelling, ever. We also have a list of chores you will need to do while you're here. Obviously doing your laundry and cleaning your room, but also the dishes and basic cleaning like vacuuming and mopping.

I simply nod in response, because I don't think I have any say in this.

"Now we also heard that you were homeschooled in your previous placement, but we will not be doing that, we are going to enroll you in the local highschool here. You are not obligated to have a side job, but we do encourage it, so if you want to look into that, you can." That stresses me out more, I wouldn't mind getting a job, at least I would be busy, but I'm terrified about the school part.

"It's already past ten, so I suggest that you go to bed quickly and we will see you in the morning." I nod and leave the living room to go to my room. Once there, I pick up my phone and see that Taylor has sent me a couple messages.

Taylor

Hi babe, I think you might be busy unpacking or something, give me a call back when you can?

It's been a while, are you okay at the placement? Are they nice to you?

You are probably asleep by now, call me tomorrow?

I am about to respond to her when I hear a knock and the door opens to reveal Ava. "I forgot, no phones after bedtime, we won't just take it away, but if we catch you on it, we will." I nod and turn it off. "Have a good night." She says before closing the door again. I sigh and put my phone away, before getting changed into sweatpant and a hoodie. I quickly set an alarm on my phone, so I am up by 8 and get in bed.

The whole house is filled with unfamiliar noises and people talking outside, I forgot how hard the first night at a new placement is. I start thinking about everything that could go wrong, and before I know it, I'm spiralling. I don't realize a panic attack is starting before it's too late. I pull my legs in and try to follow the breathing excercises Taylor taught me, but it's not working. Eventually I decide to violate the no phone rule and call Taylor, I don't expect her to, but she picks up after two rings.

"Hey babe, what's wrong?" I can't talk, but Taylor quickly picks up on what's happening. "Hey Grace? I need you to breathe for me, can you do that? In and out, can you try for me?" I try to breathe but nothing comes in "I- I can't." "Yes you can, just keep trying, in and out, in and out." I finally feel air coming in, but I am still very panicked.

"Can you copy my breathing?" I hear her exaggerate her breathing so I can hear it, and I try my best to copy it.

We keep going like this for another 15 minutes before I hace finally calmed down. It is that moment when I realize that it's two am and I just woke Taylor up for no reason. "I'm so sorry I shouldn't have woken you up." "No babe it's fine, remember when you first came to me and I told you that you can always come to me if you need me, wether it's the middle of the night or not? That still counts and will always count." 

"Did something happen? Are they good to you?" "Yeah, they are fine, I just couldn't sleep and started overthinking everything that could go wrong and I just spiralled." "Okay, do you think you can sleep, or do you want me to stay on the phone?" "I'm not even supposed to be on my phone after ten, so I'll just try to go to sleep now." "Are you sure?" I nod, before realising she can't see me "Yeah." 

"Alright, if anything happens or you just need me, you can always call, day or night. Alright?" "Yeah." "I mean it Grace, you can always call, stay safe please. I love you." "Thanks, I will." I say before ending the call.

Talking to Taylor has calmed me down so much, that I'm asleep within 10 minutes.

Can you all believe the new ttpd set? It's amazing. I mean, I have only seen it on livestreams but it still is amazing!

I'm sorry for taking so long, but school and work and everything has been crazy and I just haven't had any time to update.

I for once know how the upcoming chapters are going to go, so don't worry, the next chapters will probably be out a little quicker, let's just say I'll try my best. Can everyone just pretend the cats have always been there if she ever gets back because Istg I can't figure out a way to bring them in.

Anyway, stay safe everyone