This is me trying

Jump then fall

~Don't be afraid to jump then fall
Jump then fall into me~

TW: Mentions of abuse, eating disorders and panic attacks, this chapter also describes an abuse scene in a nightmare.

I wake up in my bed, confused, I don't remember going to bed last night. I hear Taylor's footsteps on the stairs and freeze, because I do remember what happened last night. 

The door opens slowly, she probably thinks I'm still asleep. Taylor pokes her head around the door "Hey, you're already up!" "Yeah, I woke up a minute ago." "Good." she walks into the room and sits on the edge of the bed "Do you want to talk about what happened yesterday?" I look down and shrug.

"Do you know what triggered the panic attack?" I still look down, I know but I don't want to tell her. "Was it the guy mentioning your foster father?" She asks quietly. I nod, a tear slides down my face. 

"How often do you get panic attacks?" "I don't know, maybe once or twice a week." I say softly. Taylor doesn't say anything, but just pulls me into a hug. "Do you want help from me, or do you want to get professional help?" 

"I don't need help, I'm fine." and I pull out of the hug to get up. Taylor sighs a little "It's okay not to be okay. You don't just have to tell me you're fine if you're not fine." 

I start randomly organizing stuff on the desk to try and drop the topic, but suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder. I quickly turn around, afraid, because I didn't hear Taylor walk over. 

"I didn't want to scare you, but you are not fine." I look down at the floor and shove my shaking hands in my hoodies pocket. "You are safe here, you can talk to me about everything." I don't believe her, everyone says that at the start, but in the end, they all turn against you.

Taylor seemed to know I wasn't going to respond "Do you want to go eat some breakfast?" I nod, at least she dropped the subject. "I'm just going to change first." Taylor nods and leaves the room. 

I change into my jeans and a different hoodie, before heading downstairs. 

I walk into the kitchen and see Taylor already sitting at the table, with her head in her hands. I freeze, not knowing what to do. I mean, this is my fault, I'm giving her too much stress, she deserves better than this.

I think Taylor realizes I'm downstairs and looks up "Hey, you're already here!" she almost jumps up to grabs the toast, that was on the counter. "You can sit down, I made us some toast." at least it's toast, I can manage that. 

Taylor places the plate in front of me and sits down herself. "So I realized I never asked what you like to do, like hobbies and stuff." "Oh- well, we were required to do a sport until we were twelve in the system, so I used to dance, but i quit when I was twelve." I quickly say, dance does not bring the best memories. 

"Why did you quit?" "Well the placement I was in did not have time to drive me there all the time and I never picked it up again after that placement." "Did you ever feel like dancing again? Because I have a little studio in the house." "Not really, it was not always a good experience, so I just like to leave it behind." 

"Why was it not a good experience?" "Uhm-, I never really had friends at dance and in one placement, the uh- foster mom thought I danced well, so she would force me to dance competitively and I always had to practice, and it got really exhausting, and I think I lost my love for dance that placement." 

"Oh babe, I'm sorry that happened. If you ever feel like dancing again, you're welcome to use the studio." "Thanks, but I'm good." "You sure?" "Yes, sure." 

"Okay, well you should eat, you fell asleep before dinner yesterday." I nod, and start eating my toast. With small bites and chewing for a long time on every bite.