Ikigai

Dear Heart, I'm Sorry

"I think I want to care"

I whispered to my heart

"But I've also forgotten

The most essential part.

Which I still can't remember,

There's something lost inside.

I can't feel pain or sorrow.

I fear that you have died."

I look at the heart within me

And see it battered and worn.

The edges are flaky with ash, and

The seams are all dirty and torn.

I watch and I wait in the silence,

But still my heart does not reply.

I huddle in darkness and murmur,

"Why, dearest heart, did you die?"

The spark of a light flickers softly

In the depths, or perhaps in my eyes,

And within it I see all the reasons,

All the causes and lost memories:

Why, I killed my heart, but forgot it.

I killed it and killed it again

Because I knew if I let it live

Very soon I would only feel pain.

"Dear heart, nothing's worse than this silence,

Than this numb, broken, senseless gray state.

I would rather be drowned in your darkness,

I would rather be friends with my hate,

Than never feel courage or sorrow

Or joy at the coming of dawn.

Dear heart, I am sorry I killed you,

Please, would you please come back home?"

But the heart that was in me still knows me,

And it knows that I'm still so afraid.

I want to be human again, but

I fear to feel pain when betrayed.

The ghost of a grave's dying whisper