Welp... Now What?

God? Are You There?

Hello. My name is Patrick Nilan and I am an aspiring author. This year I have challenged myself to become a more consistent writer by writing a short story every week. Every Sunday of 2024 I will be posting a new entry to this collection. Let me know what you think of each story so I can improve as the year goes on. Wish me luck!

Considering how I am conscious once again I take it there must be some sort of higher power in this universe. If you can hear my thoughts now God, please spare my soul from eternal suffering. God? Are you there? 

I realize I did not live the most religious life on Terran. Up until a few minutes ago, I thought the idea of there being a god was foolish. How couldn't I? The idea of there being a man in the sky makes no sense, no offense.

Now my soul rests in darkness begging for your forgiveness. I will not lie. I have not lived the life of a role model. I've always considered worship to be a waste of time. Sure, I've lied to my wife about the drugs and the cheating, but that is a victimless crime, right? Yeah, I've never really given back to the community other than a few dollars to homeless people, so they leave me alone in the street, but who does? In the last days before the asteroid hit Terran I indulged in the desires of my flesh at the Eternal Jubilation rather than seeking a connection with you. Now I see that was wrong, but in my defense, you gave me no reason to believe in any sort of higher power, or whatever you are. Who would give up a seven-day bender and the Infinity Orgy to kneel for a god they had absolutely no reason to believe existed? Can you blame me? Would you not do the same in my position? Of course, you wouldn't, that's why you're a higher power.

I want to say if I had twenty more years I would have done better, but the truth is I don't know that. I don't even know what better in your eyes means. Is it kindness? Climate preservation? Prayer? For all I know you're a god of warmongers, you did create humans after all. Can you really blame me for not being better when it is you who created all these temptations that drag me down in the first place? What would you have wanted me to do better? Can you hear me? Are you even there? Is there even a you out there to talk to at all?

I wonder if this cold dark existence is my punishment. Maybe the underworld isn't a burning pit but an eternity of solitude to reflect on my shortcomings in life. An endless string of questions never to be answered. Who doesn't despise a question without an answer?

How long have I been pondering this? Is there even time beyond the physical world? What is time? Is this the first time I've even wondered this? Who is to say this is not some infinite loop of torture where I am doomed to never remember my previous thoughts? I cannot think of a torture eviler than that, but that is the point of the underworld. 

Surely this has to be purgatory. Maybe that religion where you do your time in purgatory before ascending to the overworld was the correct one, or perhaps there is only one final divine judgment? Was there a correct religion at all? Were they all correct? Were none of them?

I may not have been a good man, but in my thirty-four years I have not been a bad one. Have I? What makes a man bad? Is it even my fault or am I simply a product of my genetics? If it is all genetics does that mean there was never free will? Was I always doomed to gamble my savings and drink till my kidneys ached? Was cheating on my aging wife with younger, more beautiful, women simply in my nature?

If it was free will all that time it would serve as a perfect test of character. Maybe that's why I'm here because I surely would have failed that test. My character was not pure.

Wait. Surely this is some sort of test of character now. Why else would you leave me alone in the dark to reflect on my life with no divine intervention?

Yes! A test! This has to be some sort of test of character. Perhaps I am supposed to judge myself in order to show my true character.

If the decision is mine, I say I am worthy of ascending into the overworld. Of course, I am. Why wouldn't I be? Everyone deserves to be happy.