Apéritif [ Carmy Berzatto || THE BEAR FF ]

Chapter 13 - Reservation for Two, Party of Three

Carmy took a long drag of his cigarette, trying to fight off the biting cold wind as he stood outside the recovery center. Natalie had helped him find this AA meeting space not too long ago. It was hard in the beginning, there was a discomfort Carmy felt while being in there, hearing all those fucked up stories that people shared. It definitely wasn't somewhere he'd want to spend an hour or two in, but he pulled through for the most part. And he did notice an improvement, it helped.

"You coming in baby?" The invitation came from one of the AA directors, an older Black lady with salt and peeper curls that fell right below her chin and a permanent red lip that complemented her skin tone perfectly. She carried a sort of sadness in her eyes but unlike the other volunteer directors she genuinely enjoyed her job. It was easier to relate to her, especially after revealing her own struggle. A widowed mother of 2, husband got in a drunk driving accident with the only casualty being him. Speeding straight into a light post, died on impact.

"U-Uh, yes. I'm coming." Carmy cracked a soft smile at the corner of his lips before taking one long final drag of his cigarette. His chest burned at the thought of Mikey. The AA director watched patiently as his hands shook when he took the cigarette butt from his lips and tossed it into the ground. Crushing it underneath his boot.

•••

"Im trying to get better. Honest. Especially 'cause... my parents kicked me out so it's been tough. Uhh... yeah." The words escaped the lips of one attendee, a young man whose attendance was average at best. Carmy had caught him behind the church once, lips cradling a crack pipe. A collective unamused sigh was shared in the room, maybe Carmy wasn't the only one who caught him.

"Thank you Carlos for sharing." She turned her head to face the right side of the room. "Carmy?"

His eyes widened like he was snapped out of a trance.

"Oh before you share— introduce yourself, we have some new faces today." She smiled.

"Okay." He cleared his throat. "Um my name is Carmy. I'm a chef and Uh yeah." His eyes shifted around the room.

"My family has always been pretty rocky, my mom is manic ummm my brother, Mikey, he uh... killed himself not too long ago. He was addicted to painkillers." The air in the room went stiff for a bit.

"Actually um his anniversary— God anniversary." He let out an awkward chuckle before breathing in deeply. "His death is coming up and my girlfriend, I think, we're taking a break. I guess she thinks I-Uh need one?" His bottom lip tucked tightly between his teeth.

"Um she's great actually. She's everything i've wanted. She understands me and uh she's always there for me. But I'm not always there for her... the restaurant is doing okay and I've been so focused on that, like I'm afraid of fucking it up. That it's too good to be true. Like ahh I can't mess this up." He continued, the weight of unease evident in his words. "On top of that, there's this new uh friend I've been talking to. They're pretty cool, seems to like me a lot. I thought maybe giving it a shot would help, you know, fix things a little. Making a complete new um friend? But there's still this... fuck, I don't know. Like I'm putting a bandaid o-on...on a open wound." He laughed. "I just keep losing things I love – Claire, Mikey, and, uh, I haven't heard from my mom. There's that too." He rambled on. A few heads hung low blinking at the ground, while a few others nodded in support.

"And with Claire, I miss her so damn much, but I'm..." he brought his hand up to his forehead, grasping onto the roots of his dirty blonde curls.

"I'm scared."

"I'm too much of a coward" he admitted.

"I don't want to hurt her, I don't want to hurt anyone. And sometimes I feel like I should just focus more on being a chef. That I don't deserve all these things at once." He huffed. The room stood silent for a few seconds which felt like an eternity. He felt like he just poured himself into the middle of the circle for everyone to gawk at blankly.