Beetlejuice (Male Lydia x Maddie)

Opening Chapter (Start of ACT 1)

ENSEMBLE: Daylight come and we wan' go...

PASTOR, spoken: In times like these, we have no words. We have only each other. Today we come together to mourn the passing of Emily Deetz; devoted wife of Charles, beloved mother to Levi. Scripture tells us, "Sorrow not, for we do not walk alone."

LEVI: You're invisible when you're sad, clocks tick and phones still ring. The world carries on like mad, but nobody sees a thing. Whispering behind their hands, lost for kind words to say. Nobody understands and everyone goes away. Grownups wanna fix things, when they can't it only fills them with shame, so they just look away. Is it being greedy to need somebody to see me and say my name? Seems when you lose your mom, no one turns off the sun. Folks carry on, that's that. You're invisible when you're sad.

BETELGEUSE, spoken: Holy crap, a ballad already? And such a bold departure from the original source material! Hey, folks! Begging your pardon! 'Scuse me! Sorry to barge in! Now let's skip the tears and start on the whole Y'know, "being dead" thing. You're doomed! Enjoy the singing. The sword of Damocles is swinging and if I hear your cell phone ringing, I'll kill you myself. The whole "being dead" thing! Death can get a person stressed. "We should have carpe'd way more diems, now we're never gonna see 'em!" I can show you what comes next, so don't be freaked, stay in your seats. I do this bullshit, like, eight times a week. So just relax, you'll be fine, drink your fifty-dollar wine and take a breath!

ENSEMBLE: Welcome to a show about death!

MADDIE: You're, you're gonna be fine on the other side. DIE! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE! I'll, I'll be your guide to the other side.

ENSEMBLE: Well in full disclosure: it's a show about death!

BEETLEJUICE: Everybody gets on fine here, like Rodgers, Hart, and Hammerstein here. The women's bathroom has no line here, just pee where you want, the whole "being dead" thing! You're just gonna love the folks here. Yeah, I know you're woke, but you can take a joke here and every show I do, like, a TON of coke here. The whole— [Snorts loudly.] PAH-HAH! The whole "being dead" thing! Nobody is bullet-proof. "I work out, I eat clean!" Jesus, pass the Dramamine. Time to face the brutal truth: (Dies Illa) 'Cause we're all on a hit list, might not live 'till Christmas, choke to death on Triscuits, hey, that's just statistics. So take a little break here, kinda like a wake here. The scenery is fake here, but there's a giant snake here!

(sandworm roars)

LADY: You guys? Help, you guys!

MADDIE: See you later, lady!

ENSEMBLE: Welcome to a show about death!

BEETLEJUICE: You're, you're gonna be fine—thank you! On the other side—how you doin'?

(woman cries)

MADDIE: Oh, not good! Ba-be-ba-ba-be-bo-boo-bap-boop! I'll—hey! I'll be your guide too the other side. Seriously, though, this is a show about—

ENSEMBLE: Death is taboo, but it's hardly something new. There's nothing medical professionals could do 'cept maybe just bill you.

BEETLEJUICE, spoken: IF YOU DIE WHILE WATCHING THIS PERFORMANCE, THE SHOW WILL NOT STOP!

ENSEMBLE: There's no destiny or fate, just a terrifying wait. Filled with people that you hate and on a certain date, the Universe kills you!

MADDIE AND (ENSEMBLE): That's the thing with life: No one makes it out alive. Toss that body in the pit. "Gosh, it's awful, ain't it tragic?" "Blah-blah, Bible, Jesus magic." When you're dead, who gives a shit? "No pilates, no more yoga!" "Namaste", you freakin' posers. From the cradle to cremation (Dies Irae) Death just needs a little conversation! I have mastered the art (Dies Irae) Of tearing convention apart (Dies Irae) So, how about we all make a start (Dies Irae) On the whole "being dead" thing!